Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

I hate politics.

But too many of you damned "grown ups" have sent me e-mails and nudgess and messages reminding me to vote. You take your politics seriously, and you want to make sure that everyone's voice is heard.

You guilt me into somehow feeling less American because I don't want to wait three to four hours in line to cast a vote because we FOUGHT for our right to vote. We FOUGHT for independence, and there are millions of people out there who couldn't vote even if they wanted to. (Which they don't, because three to four hours in line with a bunch of frigging political nuts is enough to drive anyone insane.) You want my opinion, you want me to do the right thing, and because it is my duty as an AMERICAN, you want me to vote.

But only for your guy.

If I'm going to waste my vote on that other jerk, I might as well stay home and watch TV in my underpants, which is what I intended to do before you started bugging me ANYWAY.

No one REALLY wants you to vote. They just want you to vote for *their* candidate.

And THAT is the stark difference.

Oh sure, you might get the odd person who tells you to vote anyway, even if they don't agree with WHO you are voting for...

But they totally don't mean it.

They give you the little "your vote counts even if I don't agree with it" speech, but then they make this face like they just noticed that you have a booger on your lip - a booger that you not only know about, but enjoy having there and occasionally move around with the tip of your tongue - and they eventually walk away in disgust. Because of your opinion, not the booger.

Although it might play a bit more into it than we're admitting.

But I digress.

So in lieu of the video game related column that I had ready to go for today, I instead have decided to go the more political route by discussing the candidates and their running mates to prove that yes, I am an adult.

So with that mucus encrusted prelude, I bring you:

"Who will play McCain, Palin, Obama, and Biden in the made-for-TV movie about the election."

Barack Hussein Obama

You have to add the Hussein part in there when you mention Obama. Why? Because that's the old white folk's way of hinting that EVEN THOUGH he is running for President and EVEN THOUGH he has had a pretty thorough background search including a pen light shoved up his ballot box...

...he still MIGHT be a terrorist.

Might. Hey. We're not saying that he is, we're not saying that he ISN'T. We're just saying "Hussein" a lot and giving you that knowing head nod. This gesture goes a LONG way with old white people. Old white people who remember the good old days when women didn't talk back, black people had their own "special" drinking fountains, and it was okay to smoke because everyone pretty much thought that cigarettes were good for you.

Who will play him:

Will Smith.

Big Willie Style baby. I think that he has the years, the experience, and the acting chops to pull off playing a black guy with big ears.

I bet he even gets an Oscar.

John "Get off my god damn lawn you little bastards, I'm keeping this Frisbee and you're not getting it back you damn hooligans, go ahead and cry you hippy larva, I didn't cry when Charlie had me in a box and poked me with sticks for three years you tree hugging baby who was concieved during a smoke out at a John Denver concert" McCain

You have to say HIS middle name because he's old.

Really old.

Really REALLY old.

And while he might look good now under the lights with a staff of make up artists and image consultants shooing away the circling buzzards, he's not aging well. Of course, when 900 years old YOU reach, look this good YOU will not.

McCain is the "logical" choice for President, and the person most of the people who send me angry e-mails about not voting are backing. He's got the experience, he's got the age and wisdom, and most importantly of all...

He's old and white.

Which seems to be key to being president.

If you look back through time, or more easily - on those rulers that show all the Presidents on the back side - you'll see that MOST of the people who became President look like John McCain. And if you look CLOSER at those pictures, (dating as far back as Washington) you'll actually SEE John McCain in them.

He's also in the background of "The Last Supper" bussing tables as a spry youth, but that's more religious than political so we won't get into it.

Who will play him:

EmperorPalpatine.

They both have weird faces, both are really old, and I'm pretty sure that they've both choked the life out of the innocent in order to prolong their own twisted existence. (Although, I don't honestly remember Palpatine doing this.)

Joe Biden

Joe doesn't get a middle name because no one knows who the hell he is.

In fact, if you had to pick him out of a police line up RIGHT now, you probably couldn't. Hell, I know that I couldn't, because other than smiling smugly at Sarah Palin for almost crying during the Presidential debates, I don't think I've ever seen him before.

He just isn't memorable.

I'm TRYING to picture him right now, but I'm just getting an image of that dude from Saturday Night Live doing what could be the best or worst impression EVER of him, and I wouldn't know.

Joe Biden is like an assistant to the assistant football coach. He's the back-up place kicker. Sure, he's on the team and he has a Jersey and probably lots of experience (or..not..) but at the end of the night, you end up calling him John instead of Joe.

And he doesn't mind or correct you because "Hey, someone is talking to me!"

Who will play him:

Um...

No clue. Since no one really knows what he looks like, we'll just use any virtually unknown old white guy from the JC Penny's Fall Catalog and no one will know the difference.

Either that, or we can get John McCain. They're both old and white right?

Sarah Jessica Parker Palin

Stop calling her a MILF. Just stop.

Stop winking and hinting and suggesting that she is "hot" or "sexy" or "doable" in any way. Seriously. We get it. She was very attractive when she was young. Yes, she was sexy when she was young. And yes, she didn't have that weird veiny turkey-neck when she was young.

Well guess what?

She isn't young, and gobble gobble.

She's a walking talking bobble head cartoon, and I don't care WHAT party you are affiliated with - you have to see this. Of COURSE she wants to be Vice President, of COURSE she's going to jump at the chance. She's a mean old rich white chick who craves power like a meth head craves drama by pretending to find god so that he can drive up hits and revenue on two sites. (Hehe.)

Hell, *I* want to be Vice President.

That doesn't mean that I'm qualified for the job, (even though I totally am) should be considered for the job, (even though I totally should) or unofficially announcing my candidacy in 2012. (My running mate will be Jessica Alba's ass clad in spandex.)

She's a mean old racist hockey mom from Alaska and that's where she should stay, because SOMEONE has to keep an eye on those pesky Russians.

Who will play her:

Since she's a bobble headed cartoon, I felt it was appropriate to suggest...

...a bobble headed cartoon.

Creeeeeepy isn't it? And weirder still? Her HUSBAND Todd is a PROPANE SALESMAN! (Shut up, you don't know either. He totally could be.)

Still, by the end of the day today TWO of these people have to end up in the White House, and its up to US to pretend that a secret society comprised of alien overlords who control the United States doesn't exist and that our votes actually count.

Now, GET OUT THERE AND VOTE!

Or don't. Seriously. THREE to FOUR hours in line. With retards wearing pins and those crappy wicker hats with political slogans on them. Three to FOUR hours.

WHY can't we do this online yet? Oh yeah. Frigging aliens investing everything in anal probe technology and not budgeting for online voting.

-Coyote

(Oh, and the site was totally up all day today with no down time or issues. It was probably just your computer. Really.)