Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

Welcome back to yet another edition of Coyote Action News. The hardest hitting, most ground breaking, and least fact having news source on the internet today.

Our top sources from around the internet have brought you the gaming and geek news that you want to read, when you want to read it. Unabashed, unbiased, and totally abashed and biased, let's get to the news.

Scientists working on force fields, cloaking device next

While scientists around the world are working on robotic prototypes to explore the surface of Mars, our very own NASA is approaching a more unorthodox method of probing the mysterious red planet.

"We're going to have the first man on Mars if it KILLS us." A NASA official was reported to comment before quickly amending his statement. "Not that it will. Pffft. We'll give them like, force fields and stuff. Like in the jails cells on Star Trek. Remember those? Yeah, those Klingon chicks had HUGE...um...force fields. Definitely force fields."

NASA is indeed working on the prototype for a "mini-magnetosphere" which will mimic Earth's own magnetosphere and protect would-be space travelers from cosmic rays, solar radiation, and "romulan disrupters". The idea is that the force field would generate a protective shield not only around the astronaut, but the entire vessel, allowing it to travel through the blackness of space with no threat of damage.

Plus, it will look really REALLY frigging cool.

US Navy building video game power suit

Taking inspiration from the popular video game series "Half Life", the United States Navy has announced that they are developing an actual working version of the environmental suit that the game's main character is outfitted with.

"The system will monitor a few biomarkers for deviations from safe levels, at which point it will automatically medicate its wearer..." Comes an actual real quote from the article, which just gets us giddy with excitement. When reached for further comment, one Navy developer had this to say.

"Dude. This isn't Cosplay baby, this is the REAL DEAL. You get hurt? BLAM! You get morphine injected RIGHT into your ass. Who wouldn't want a crack head suit?"

Indeed, the suit's environmental protection will be designed to keep its wearer both safe, and fully healed up to 100% health without forcing him to rely on health packs or the odd charging station. Obviously this unit will have unparalleled value in the field, and will guarantee that its wearer is protected from any negative stimuli.

When asked what the suits primary function will be, or in what situation it provide the most protection, the developer responded with:

"Head crabs man. Head crabs. Those f***ing things are EVERYWHERE. You guys think it is just a game but...man..I..Wait. You've got security clearance right?"

More on this story as it develops.

Charity fails saving throw vs. being a dumbass

Over $17,000 dollars was raised in honor of late Dungeons and Dragons Co-creator Gary Gygax at this years famed GenCon event in an effort to support his favorite charity "The Christian Children's Fund. The CCF is one of the world's most recognizable charities and familiar to anyone who has ever tried to watch TV while eating dinner only to be shown pictures of children with flies on their lips living in what seems to be a urine coated shoebox. For the price of a cup of coffee a day, you can support a child and give them hope, light, and happiness.

Unless you're a dirty filthy gamer.

When it was discovered by the CCF that most of the money came from the sale of Dungeons and Dragons merchandise, they quickly returned it and refused the generous offer.

"Keep your devil money Frodo, those kids might be starving, but they're not THAT hungry." One Christian Children's Fund representative was reported saying as he held up his hands and quickly did that weird "cross himself" maneuver.

"Do you really think that these kids want to eat food that they KNOW came from the sales of Dungeons and Dragons stuff? Do you really think that they'd want your charity just so that they could EAT you blasphemous demon worshipers?" He laughed rhetorically as he nervously fingered his rosary beads.

Several reporters were sent into the field to get the reaction of these starving children, but they were never heard from again as they were attacked by a pack of ravenous toddlers and stripped to the bone in a matter of minutes.

Japanese Man to marry Comic Book Character

A Japanese Man has started a petition in hopes of allowing him to marry a woman he met in a comic book store. The only issue is:

The woman is actually in one of the comic books.

"She GETS me, you know? She's not like those other girls, and when I turn the pages she's there for ME and only me." The man stated in what was surprisingly clear English dialogue with obvious American inflections.

Japan is easily the comic book capital of the world as Manga (The style in which tentacles are drawn reaching DIRECTLY for the hoo-hoo) is a household name and is often described as more popular than both music and television. The marriage however, seems to be on hold - not because it is illegal, silly, or just plain "weird", but because the comic book vixen who holds his heart has reportedly said "No" in all caps with one of those dripping chat bubbles to imply disgust.

"Do you see this chest? This leather strap bodice? This ASS? Do you REALLY think that I'd be saddled with some comic book nerd? As if. Even drawings of girls have standards. Damn. You ain't drawin' a ring on THIS finger, mmmmhmmm." The cartoon woman stated flatly before giving two snaps and a "pissssh".

Woolly Mammoths to be cloned for good reason

When not trying to marry comic books or assaulting each other with tentacles and phallic shaped vegetation, the Japanese have been working on how to successfully clone the long extinct Woolly Mammoth. Working with samples of DNA from this no longer living giant, they estimate that it is only a matter of time before we can breed and bring back this furry beast.

When asked WHY they would want to bring back from extinction a species of animal that died out naturally, and threaten to upset the balance of the world ala Jurassic Park, one source had this to say:

"Burgers man. Burgers. Woolly Mammoths are frigging DELICIOUS. Our ancestors knew it, THEIR ancestors knew it, and that's why we don't HAVE any Woolly Mammoths walking around today. They were just too god damn tasty."

Upon successful cloning and breeding of these hairy monstrosities, Japan is planning to open a chain of "Mammoth Burger" franchises in order to compete in the fast food market with both McDonalds and Burger King.

No word as of yet if they plan on having a form of "Happy Meal" or what the toy will be.

For Coyote Action News, this has been Coyote reporting - and remember.

Boobie pictures don't send themselves. Hint hint.

-Coyote