Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

With the X-men movies making billions of dollars, and the success of movies like Iron Man, who managed to make Tony Stark likeable, superhero movies are becoming the latest trend in sucking the money directly out of the wallets of geeks everywhere.

And it HAS to stop.

Why? Because they've run out of GOOD superhero ideas, and now they're starting to scrape the bottom of the comic book barrel. Don't believe me? Here are five up and coming movies, based off of superheroes that shouldn't be ever be made, but sadly are:

Ant-man (2010)

Summary: Doctor Henry "Hank" Pym discovers a bunch of subatomic particles that he labels "Pym Particles" that allow him to shrink to the size of an ant. With a cybernetic helmet of his own design, he's able to both communicate with, and control the insect of which he takes his name.

Ants.

Why it shouldn't EVER be made: Because Hank Pym is King of the douche bag people.

We HATE Hank Pym.

First of all, the guy isn't even a mutant - he's some arrogant scientist who names a newly discovered subatomic particle after HIMSELF. Ego much? This guy is worse that Lou Gehrig naming that disease after himself - but it gets even better. Second of all, he gets bored with being "Ant-man" and magically develops OTHER formulas that give him all sorts of different powers whenever his A.D.D. starts acting up.

Giantman, Goliath, and the every impressive "Yellow Jacket". A bee suit wearing version of Ant-man. Only some cocky bastard would think that shrinking down to the size of an ant and controlling them is impressive.

They're ants.

Unless you are planning on ruining a picnic, or creeping me out when I sleep, an army of ants isn't exactly impressive. It's hard to be scared by something that you can stop with a can of raid, or distract with a discarded cookie. Ants suck. Ant-man sucks, and with luck, someone stops on him, or he gets stuck in a wad of bubblegum.

Stupid Hank Pym....stupid ants.

Silver Surfer (2009)

Summary: Norrin Radd, in an effort to stop his planet from being devoured by the eater of worlds, Galactus, offers to work for him and scout out other worlds for the intergalactic fat-ass to munch down. He is transformed into a creature of living metal and rides through the galaxy on a giant silver surfboard in search of worlds for Galactus to devour.

Why it shouldn't EVER be made: Because it's a frigging retard on a surfboard.

I've ALWAYS hated the Silver Surfer, and while other comic geeks will tell you how amazing he is, or how he represents an inner struggle, or how he betrays Galactus - all I can see is that stupid god damn surfboard. You're telling me with unlimited cosmic power, knowledge of alien technology and superior science, the BEST frigging thing he could come up with is a surf board? How do you pick up chicks on a SURF BOARD?

"Hi, wanna fly through cosmos with me on my magical surf board?"

"What happens if we fly through a miniature meteor storm?"

".... .... You'll probably lose most of your face."

Space isn't some big empty black mass like you learn in Mrs. Peterson's 3rd grade science class. There's stuff up there. Debris, small meteors, asteroids, soda cans from those littering god-damn astronauts - SPACE is cluttered. And if you're on a giant god damn surf board, chances are you're going to be hanging ten into SOMETHING painful.

Plus, it's a god damn surfboard.

This is like an acid trip gone wrong. A bunch of stoner beach bums giggling around a drum circle and trying to hold in the sticky icky smoke giggling about the ultimate superhero. Well guess what potheads? HE SUCKS. I hope a gigantic cosmic shark takes a bite out of his silver hippy ass.

The Green Hornet (2010)

Summary: A masked vigilante, the Green Hornet fights crime and strikes fear into the hearts of evil doers everywhere by having Bruce Lee kick their ass while sitting back and trying not to get dirt on his green fedora.

Why it shouldn't EVER be made: Because Bruce Lee is dead.

Bruce Lee played "Kato", the Green Hornet's man servant. It was Kato's job to drive him around, run his errands, and occasionally karate chopped someone in half, which scared the living crap out of the bad guys. No one was scared of the Green Hornet himself, but like the owner of a really nasty pit-bull, he got the reputation of being a badass because everyone was afraid of Bruce.

But now that Bruce Lee is dead, the Green Hornet is just some middle aged white dude in a green mask and fedora. He doesn't even have any super powers other than being rich and white. (Which seems to be the hall mark of most early superheroes. Back then, money WAS a super power.)

And besides, how hard would it be to track THIS guy down? Green fedoras aren't exactly "common place" and I'm seriously doubting he's an accomplished tailor, so he didn't make it. A couple of quick search engine googles and boom - you have the maker, his records, and the name of the old white dude with the verde noggin cover.

The Green Hornet sucks. His sidekick does all the work, kicks all the ass, and this guy gets all the credit?

Hey JACKASS! It's hard to hide in the shadows when you look like a leprechaun in bondage gear!

Dumbass.

Luke Cage (2009)

Summary: Gang member Luke Cage is framed for a crime he didn't commit, and in order to get out of jail he agrees to undergo experimental procedures that give him super strength and near invulnerable skin. With his new powers he fights crime under the super clever alter ego of "Power Man".

Why it shouldn't EVER be made: Who frames a gang member?

If you are a gang member - chances are you've already done something worth going to jail for, which is probably WHY you are in a gang. Gang members aren't traditionally known for their kind-yet-misunderstood ways, and despite what television or after school specials might lead you to believe:

There are no "good" gangs.

And even if there were, they'd all be killed in the first gang fight because guns and knives do a lot more damage than hugs and turning the other cheek. Oh, and dancing. If you are in a gang and you dance like the retards from West Side Story?

You are probably involved in a WHOLE DIFFERENT type of "Gang Banging" that we can't get into here because Radar will faint.

Luke Cage is strong, but not as strong as 99% of the other superheroes out there, is "kinda" invulnerable, but not really because he gets hurt a lot, and would be an AWESOME superhero if there were no other heroes in the comic book world. Up against you and me, he's a living god. But put him with other superheroes and he shuts up and tries not to draw attention to himself lest he earn a good ass kicking.

He's like the college kid who hangs out with high school kids and seems really cool until OTHER college kids show up and point out how big of a loser he is.

We hate Luke Cage.

Superman: The Man of Steel (2010)

Summary: The last son of Krypton (**until you know, other Kryptonians show up, repeatedly) Kal-El came to earth as a child where the radiation from our yellow sun gave him super human powers. Adopted and raised by the Kents, he assumed the role of their son, and learned values and morals and respect. Taking those lessons he puts on some blue tights and a flamboyantly gay red cape and flies around fighting crime while distracting bad guys with his obviously outlined junk poking through his unitard.

Why it shouldn't EVER be made: HA! Bet you didn't see THIS one coming!

I *love* Superman. He is easily one of my favorite heroes and as much as I'd love to see him hit the big screen, I have to pray for this movie to tank before it truly gets off the ground.

Why?

Because I HATE what they do with Superman. It is always the same plot, and the same story, and nothing NEW can ever come from it. (Except for making him GAY in the last movie, which I have to admit was pretty new.) The plots always follow this formula:

*Superman shows up and stops bad guy.

*Attractive female lead falls in love with Superman.

*Superman falls in love with attractive female lead, but it can never be because he belongs to the world, would put her in danger, and because of the last movie - may very well be gay.

*Villain bests Superman who loses his powers (or is crippled by Kryptonite) , almost wins, but right at the end Superman Triumphs.

Every. Single. Time.

That's the plot. And while you might be thinking "But the villain had kryptonite!", I'm thinking "Yeah, but Superman could have melted his frigging head with his heat vision". Superman has heat vision, cold breath, can move faster than light, can fly around the world and reverse time, and yet EVERY SINGLE FRIGGING TIME the bad guy manages to get close enough to him to weaken him with kryptonite.

THIS is probably what drove Margo Kidder insane.

Christopher Reeves was the last TRULY good Superman, (1 and 2, everything after that was just tripe, and yes, that includes the Richard Pryor movie, although the fighting himself scene was cool) and there just hasn't been anyone to capture that spirit since. So unless they're digging him up and slapping the suit on his still-strapped-to-a-wheel-chair corpse, I'm not interested.

Because I would totally watch that.

Totally.

-Coyote

(MONDAY!!! I'm in Albany ALL week!! Yay!! Here's a fun Albany Fact!! "Albany sucks. Badly." But luckily for you, you're not here AND it is Monday, so that means the NEW Avast Ye is up. Go, read, enjoy, make us famous.)