Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

If there is one thing in this world that geeks have spent more time on than video games, bad sci-fi, and comic books...

...it would be fantasizing about chicks that don't technically exist.

I'm not talking the girlfriend who looks like [insert current hot celebrity babe here] but lives in Canada and loves only you, I'm talking chicks from the very pages of the Sci-fi that we obsess over. THEY would love us, THEY would understand us, and THEY would be turned on by the fact that we collect action figures and have watched the Buffy musical more times than a straight man should ever admit.

So with that in mind I bring you:

"Uncle Coyote's List of 10 Alien Chicks that I would TOTALLY do."

One of the Klingon Chicks from Star Trek

I don't care which one, or even that they had teeth straight out of a dentist's waiting room in Arkansas - the Klingon chicks from Star Trek WERE HOT. Not CLASSICALLY hot, but hot in that "not afraid to show off their amazing gravity defying racks" kinda way.

The very moment they stepped onto the screen the little engineer in my pants was fighting desperately to stop a warp core breach of ungodly lust. Sure they have messed up teeth and savage tendencies, but they also have huge boobs, which gets them on this list.

They're like the British chicks of the future.

That Three Boobed Chick from Total Recall

How could I possibly leave her off of THIS list?

She was every young boy's dream. A hot, easy, slutty chick....with three boobs. Not one, not two, but THREE torso torpedoes ripe for a heavy ogling. Okay, so she had like two lines and sounded like Fran Dresher with a head cold - it didn't matter, she had THREE BOOBS.

The possibilities were endless.

If you watched the movie, she had about 32 seconds total air time - but if you watched the movie in slow mo with heaving pausing as a teenage boy, she's been on air longer than David Letterman.

I mean...THREE BOOBS...

That Green ChickThat KirkNailed

It was supposed to be shocking and controversial that Kirk nailed the green skinned alien chick harder and faster than a carpenter with Parkinson's...

But it wasn't. It totally wasn't. Let's face it, she was frigging SEXY and Kirk was a horn dog. It didn't matter that she was green, HELL - that's kind of a turn on. A forbidden fruit, a taboo conquest, or even - dare I say it - rainforest fever.

How this scene was supposed to be shocking, I'll never know. She was hot and had a nice body - the fact that she was green probably didn't even register to Kirk until the next morning when he was kicking her out of his room and absently noting the color contrast of his foot on her ass as he dumped her in the hallway and "swush swushed" the door closed in her face.

Kirk was a dick like that.

Laliari from Galaxy Quest

Sure, she was really an alien octopus chick with an image projector that made her look more human, but god DAMN was she cute. Plus, think of all the things that she could do with those suction cups. And why does her being an octopus alien have to be a BAD thing?

You don't have to buy her dinner or gifts or even court her to get her in the sack. Just throw a dead fish on a hook and wait for her latch onto it like a pit-bull on a Jehovah's witness and reeeel her in.

Oh, I'd fix her broken translator. I'd fix it REAL good.

The Alien Robot Chick from Mars Attacks

...

Uh..how did...SHE get on the list? Must...be..a weird typo..or something...

...I don't want...what? No..she's not..um...attractive....I...with..

...

....

Don't you judge me! DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME! There was just something about her...that...

YOU WOULD! YOU TOTALLY WOULD! DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!

Chiana

What's black and white and sexy all over?

Okay, so she looks like a photo-negative, does that really matter? Like the green skinned chick a few inches up, it isn't the color of the skin that matters. What matters is that she oozes sexuality, and would probably be up for ANY freaky naughtiness that you could come up with.

If there is ANYTHING in this universe hotter than a space slut, I'd love to know what it is. Animalistic, sensual, and moving with an undeniable grace, Chiana makes me more than willing to catch whatever Space Herpes she might have.

It would be worth the itching.

Sally Solomon

There is just something to be said about Amazons.

Sally Solomon was the ONLY reason to watch 3rd Rock from the Sun. Do you realize how hot a chick has to be to cancel out "The French Stewart Effect"? Over six foot tall and blonde, she makes me wish that she was my date to the prom, because I'm short and would be ALL about the slow dancing.

Plus? She's an Amazon, so you know...

DEATH BY SNU-SNU!

The Blue Jedi Chick

This is where all of you Star Wars dweebs tell me her real name, and how she got her powers, and her back story and about a zillion other facts about her that only helps harden the cement that encases your virginity. I don't have to know her name. I don't have to know her origins. All that I have to know about her is that she gives me a double staff light saber in my pants.

Yeah, the blue head tentacle thingies are a little odd, but truth be told - I hardly ever make it UP to her head when I see pictures of her.

I would give her a disturbance in the force that would curl her toes.

Six of Nine from Tripping the Rift

Six of Nine might have been an android - or a cyborg, or some sort of robot, I don't remember. And more importantly, I don't CARE. What I DO remember is that when she unleashed her server rack, I forgot that I was watching a digital animation and went right into hyper drive.

Before it was watered down and made acceptable for public consumption on television, Tripping the Rift was a geek staple, and Six of Nine gave many a lonely geek a full nine of nine every time we watched it.

Even if the clown ass WAS kinda creepy.

Leeloo Dallas Multipass

Saving the very best for last, I bring you Leeloominai Lekarariba Laminai'Tchai Ekbat De'Sebat.

Speaking in the divine language and ripping into a chicken leg half naked, there was nothing about the Fifth Element that I didn't like. She was hot, kicked major ass, wore cloth straps as clothing and had no qualms about getting naked. If she had three boobs, I would have legally married this DVD.

Plus, I'm a sucker for completely made up but really well done alien accents.

...

Is it suddenly warm in here?

I better go check that warp core.

-Coyote

((*Special thanks to Loolee for helping me remember some of the hot chicks that I forgot that I couldn't ever forget :) *))