Coyote Action News: Changing Stations
Updated Wed, Dec 03, 2008 by Coyote
Bringing you more news than a 40 year old paper delivery man who still lives in his mother's basement and hits on high school chicks: Unscripted, Unrehearsed, and completely unresearched...
It's time once again for COYOTE ACTION NEWS!
EA gets fined for pinching pennies
Retired NFL Players everywhere celebrated oafishly as they blinked really slowly in victory over gaming giant, EA Games.
The lawsuit stems from the fact that EA Games purposely blurred, scrambled or otherwise altered retired players in their games in order to keep from having to legally reimburse them. However this money saving move landed them a 10 yard penalty for being miserly as it breached a long standing contract. The court decision awarded the players who had not been compensated 28 million dollars to split between them.
The fee was then paid on the spot with the loose change taken from an EA's pocket.
When asked if game spokesman John Madden himself was involved in the scandal, the announcer stepped up to his magical doodle screen and offered this statement:
"Now here's a guy who goes with the, he takes one of these here controllers and he's in the game with a catch before this other guy here with the money comes down here like this and everything is scrambled because now THAT is, that is old time football."
More on this story when we find a translator that speaks Maddenese.
ESRB and Ratings Promise NOT to STFU
More and more we see violence, real world crimes, and dumbass children being culled from the herd by their own retarded actions being blamed on video games. Because of this newly convenient digital scapegoat, the ESRB is diligently working on an iron-clad rating system that will keep underage children from playing games out of their "tier" by forcing them to whine endlessly for their parents to buy them the game anyway.
But it doesn't stop there.
The ESRB had moved the douche bag lever up a notch as it is now attempting to enforce with every rating, a text synopsis of the game - including key plot points and other "spoilers" that the player would have had to then before discover on their own.
"We're trying to get the spoilers IN game..." stated one ESRB spokesperson we interviewed. "I mean, who DOESN'T want to know when that monsters is going to pop out, or when a characters is suddenly going to betray you? We're saving people here. Do you remember those dumbasses who thought that the Blair Witch was real and had candle light pray circles for the kids that she killed? We'd be helping the people like THEM."
In agreement and in keeping with the new ESRB guidelines, please note that Pac man goes on forever, there is no "real" ending to Pitfall besides the game glitching out, regardless to what your one cousin claims, and at the end of Doom 3, more monsters pop out and scare the piss out of you.
Second Life Love Affair Grounds For First Life Divorce
A British couple who married in a extravagant Second Life wedding ceremony are now headed towards divorce in the wake of a scandalous in game affair. Amy Taylor said she had caught husband David having simulated sex with a digital woman. The British couple who met in an Internet chat room in 2003 are now separated and seeking real legal council.
Amy Taylor, the wronged party in this online marriage had this to say:
"EH! I come rih' 'ome I did, an' whut do I fine? Tha' cheeky sot was wickin' up some tart's nickasham witha biddly bunga do! Well I ain't rih' ta stick with tha' kinda nimbledy crickets so I raska'ma'do'd tha' 'ole thin' an' skitted ta me mum's fo' a bit' o' bask'n'bumble, eh? Eh?"
Little is known about the "other woman" in question except that she is American, a home wrecker, and playing the odds - more likely than not this man.
A Turkish prisoner escaped a German prison this week by hiding in a cardboard box, sneaking onto a truck and leaving before the guards noticed. His where-abouts are unknown, but authorities may be looking for this man.
And no. We are NOT making this up.
The criminal, incarcerated for drug trafficking was only noted as missing when the truck's driver noticed a cut in the tarp of his vehicle. The driver had this to say.
"!"
Security personnel are carefully combing the area for the escaped convict by walking in perfectly straight lines and sweeping over dark areas with a triangle shaped cone of light. Security cameras that follow a predictable "back and forth" pattern and that have obvious blind spots have also been set up, but so far the criminal still remains at large.
Not Funny...Ever to move to new site
In breaking news, Not Funny...Ever will be migrated to the NEW site standard for Ten Ton Hammer, as it is the last to do so and is impeding progress because the site's main writer is, and I quote:
"A lazy, LAZY bastard."
The new link which will more than likely be active tomorrow (Unless he gets distracted, which honestly happens quiet easily) and will follow all sorts of guidelines and rules that we will continue to ignore in order to bring you juvenile humor and clean up with pictures of scantily clad women.
More on this story tomorrow as the site migrates to the current system.
-Coyote
((MONDAY!!!!!! That means that the new Avast Ye is up. Go and read it you jerks. I wanna be rich.))
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Basics, GuidesFri, Feb 10, 2012Ethec
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Basics, FAQ, Misc Guides, GuidesSun, Feb 12, 2012Space Junkie
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Features, OpinionsSun, Feb 12, 2012Saia
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Features, OpinionsMon, Feb 13, 2012Messiah
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Basics, Class Info, Item Guides, Misc Guides, Zone Info, GuidesFri, Feb 10, 2012Space Junkie
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Features, OpinionsFri, Feb 10, 2012Saia
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NewsFri, Feb 10, 2012Martuk
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NewsFri, Feb 10, 2012Martuk
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Press Release, News, Contests, Official AnnouncementsFri, Feb 10, 2012Martuk
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Beta, News, Official AnnouncementsFri, Feb 10, 2012Martuk
Oh I meant to say, like the rest of the site? So taking Radars bit for example, you're going to an update every 6 years after an election and a full moon while Saturn is in oppostion to Uranus?
Hey, how big IS Uranus??
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
I was too biased to update after the election. I'm harborig a lot of "Thank god it's finally over."
None of these stories really bugged me, although I think the ERSB is going a little overkill.
Madhog: That will be treated the same way that it is when the kids do that for liquor.
Shipwreck: Thank you.
Madhog Says:
November 17th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
"the OTHER IT working, goatie showing fatty on here"
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That probably encompasses 90% of the guys on here.....
You mean......I am FIRST????
"including key plot points and other “spoilers†that the player would have had to then before discover on their own."
Huh?
I thought I was nearly at the end of Pacman, you bastard!
So rather than going to sites like this, or having to look for spoilers, they are gonna be given with the games? Hows that bad?? Rather than accidentally ending up on dubious sites while googling for "seeing Lara Crofts boobs", theyre giving us this safe and free??
Im disappointed in the way you dealt with the Second Life thing. I was hoping for a more indepth, with piccys, of what the HELL is sex like in a game like that.
You let me down, you let everyone here down, but more importantly you let me down. Yes, twice.
Good day sir!
OMG....I vividly remember the end of Doom 3
*shudders*
I've got a better idea. They should make all the good games for adults only and make buying them for a child on the same level as if you bought them liquor. That way, the kids can't have the games and if the parents buy them for the kids and then bitch later about the game, instead of being able to sue, the parents can be arrested for buying games for a minor.
SillyGirl, that plan is not silly at all. I like it. I like it a lot.
But then you'd get groups of kids hanging around game stores, waiting for someone who "cant see the harm, never hurt me when I was a kid", probably sporting a trendy goatie beard and slightly overweight, an IT worker probably, and who will happily go in and buy the aforementioned kids the games they want.
Who wants that??
Madhog, Ill have you know that despite being a little overweight, having a trendy goatee, and an IT worker, I would bludgeon the kid the pulled a "Hey mister" and gladly take his money and return to my car with a new copy of GTA 4.
Good day Sir!
I said GOOD DAY!
Wait- Silly sugested that only ADULTS buy games for their crotchspawn? Not that I see any issue with this except
1) No games could ever be sold over the internet in states that all ready prohibit online liquor sales
b. In states like PA you would probally have to go to a state owned video game store, and they would only care approved games. If you want a non approved game, you can order the game with a process surcharge and expect to recieve your game in 3 to 5 months after your request if the game was produced out of state. All games will have to go through a committee before being allowed to be sold; said committee will meet every other year.
III: If they use the same criteria for games as for porn, kids will still have easy access to games
4) Something like 80+% of all games are sold to those under the age of 21 (if you include console games); if you take away the market you take away the games....
Okay, how about all purchases of video games must include a signed waiver of liability by the parent so that only the parents can buy the games for kids and they can only purchase if they sign away the right to be a trouble-maker. And the original signed waiver is kept by the store and a copy given to the parents and if a game is seen owned by a child and they don't have a copy of the signed waiver, they are in trouble and if they do have a copy, it shows that they can't sue or complain about the game.
Also, the waiver could be the only thing with spoilers (so the parents can make "informed" decisions) and then when adults buy them for themselves, they just zip their eyes past that part of the waiver and just sign the bottom w/o reading that section.
Actually that makes more sense- but the real issue is that parents don't know and/or care what they get their kids. Too many just will get whatever the child wants without actually reading a waiver or the outside of a box- they just see the name of the game and the price. Back when I was a kid parents seemed to care more, now its like give the kids a tv and video game unit and and a cell phone and have the kids stfu and stay out of the parents damn way. Hell, I would be happy if parents did make informed choices.
Playing Hey Mister for a video game would suck if you were a kid. I know with me I would give the guy a pretty hefty tip so that he'd be able to score his next fix. Yeah I was nice that way. You buy me my stuff I help you get yours. If you did that for a video game suddenly the "tip would be crazy expensive.
As long as they sign the waiver, the stores and game makers are safe, that's all that matters. If the parents are stupid and sign it w/o reading it. That's their loss and at least they then won't be able to sue for their own stupidity or claims of "I didn't know (fill in the blank) about the game when I bought it!!".
Avatox Says:
November 17th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Actually that makes more sense- but the real issue is that parents don’t know and/or care what they get their kids.
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Making parents legally responsible for the actions of their children should fix that quite nicely. The first bad parent whose kid wacks out after playing GTA 4 and stelas a bunch of cars until the National Guard comes can pay the massive legal fe3es and bill for destruction of property.
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Badion, that may have hit the target but no, I didnt mean you. I meant the OTHER IT working, goatie showing fatty on here.
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FFS I meant COYOTE!!!
To be honest, I think the ESRB thing is a good thing. The more information and such that is out there, the less traction bad parents can get with the "Well, I didn't know that was in there!" argument.
Sorry Madhog...
No longer even slightly over weight. *flexes*
"!"
*giggle*
I actually would like to see a slightly detailed explanation of the reason for the rating on some games. It needn't be more detailed than "obscene language, gore, physical violence, sexual situations" or some such. No need to spell out the plot, yeesh. Just have a few check boxes marked for categories of content. If Mommy doesn't want little Jimmy to learn cuss words, don't buy the ones with that marked. If she cares more about making sure he doesn't see boobies, worry about that part only. *lol* Once the game is properly rated then it should be up to the parents to control what gets brought home. Of course, a concerned parent could just take 30 sec to google the title and get a pretty thorough rundown of what their kid is asking for.
Even carding purchasers can't stop a kid from getting it from some other adult (stranger, uncle, cousin, older sibling, etc), no matter how thorough you are. Unless games go "download only" with parental controls on the PC/console restricting what ratings can be downloaded or password protecting them by title there's only so much you can do. Then there's always the ability to go to someone else's house to get your fix. There's always some lucky brat with lax parents and all the cool toys. *lol*
I knew when going to see Blair Witch that it was going to be a weird movie...I thought it was going to be scary weird...but while waiting to get in to see it in Philly some large woman totally ran out of the theater and lost her lunch.
Which of course me and my fat friends thought meant that it was going to be THAT much better since no fattie would give up their partially digested food without a fight.
*Thanks Coyote for stepping aside*
*Assumes the new position of fatty IT with goatee*
*flex*
oh....my back....i need a snickers...
Pictures or it aint true fatso!
Also, if you HAVE lost weight, Id like ot know....how?
Have you been to the.....*gulp*.....*shiver*....Gym???
Do we need to void your geek card Mister???
# Madhog Says:
November 17th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Also, if you HAVE lost weight, Id like ot know….how?
Have you been to the…..*gulp*…..*shiver*….Gym???
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Coyote has discovered the joy of sports. After a hard core hour and a half session at the gym, he'll either hit the court and shoot hoops or join his local pick up game of footbal. He now LOVES that sport by the way. He watches every Sunday screaming at the tube, cheering his team on.
Don't believe me? Ask him how the Seahawks are doing this year.
# Mezzy Says:
November 17th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
... “obscene language, gore, physical violence, sexual situations†or some such. No need to spell out the plot, yeesh.
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Hell, that's the plot of half the games out there :)