Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

Dear Science,

Quit screwing with the bugs, you're making everyone *really* uncomfortable.

Sincerely,

The entire FRIGGING world

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Okay, obviously I don't speak for the entire world...

If the world truly had a spokesperson I am more than positive that it wouldn't be a 34 year old geek with a warped sense of humor and a midget fetish. Still, as someone who has a creative outlet and the ability to reach a small number of the masses, I feel that it is my obligation - nay sir, my DUTY - to occasionally step into the light in order to illuminate the wrong doings that occur in the name of science.

Especially if they involve dicking around with bugs.

Because bugs dick back.

Bugs get OFF on creeping you out when you least expect it. In fact this is scientifically proven to be an insect's only form of entertainment. Bugs find NOTHING funnier than sneaking onto your shoulder and just waiting for you to turn your head so that they can lock eyes with you. That or they jump on your shoulder and wave frantically to your friends from a blind spot so that your buddies do that "HOLY HELL" wide eyed look as they stare at your shirt which makes YOU freak out because what the HELL are they staring at? Is it a spider? The only thing worse than a spider would be... oh dear God please don't be a bee...

Especially a bee that seems to be equipped with a goddamn JET PACK. As if running from a 1/100th of an ounce weight bug while doing that "slap your entire body while hopping around like a retard" dance isn't bad enough, now we have to worry about them breaking the sound barrier as they race forth to sting us like deadly little bee bullets?

...

Oh Jesus. A bee gun - I won't even get into it, because scientists are probably already working on it.

And while no, that isn't a jet pack on that bee, it is almost just as bad. It's a small radio that that scientists are equipping to the horrific little sting demons in order to help them track flight patterns and navigation. How is that bad?

Because now they have tiny little bee-sized Ham Radios, that's how.

Now they can organize and give themselves cool CB handles and form tiny little bee convoys. Sure it might sound paranoid, but excuse me if I think giving them what equates to bee cell phones is a BAD idea. I'm obviously not a scientist, because as I've pointed out before in a similar article inspired by scientists messing with bugs...

I watch the sci-fi channel.

And in watching the sci-fi channel I know things like "bee radios" are going to backfire on us, no matter what their intended use originally was. And while this may sound paranoid or silly, it is really just an introduction on the whole point of "Not Screwing With Bugs" because scientists have now *perfected*....

The goat spider.

"A HERD of goats containing spider genes is about to be milked for the ingredients of spider silk to mass-produce one of nature's most sought-after materials.."

Unless that most sought-after material is "death by spider goat", I REALLY don't think they're going to get what they want.

They've infused GOATS with spider DNA in order to make the goat milk turn into spider milk, which aside from having the world's greatest prank potential, (Ugh..my cheerios taste like CRAP..what kind of milk IS this? Wait...WHAT?) has to be the worst idea I've ever heard of.

Why?

Oh, I don't know...how about mutated spiders the size of GOATS? How in the HELL do you kill a goat-sized spider? You're not rolling a magazine and thwaping it into a jelly stain on the wall, that's for damn sure. And since it is part goat, when you hit it with your shoe - it would probably just eat it.

"But Coyote, that's not how science works. This won't produce a goat-spider, it merely changes the chemical composition of the goat's milk. What you are saying is impossible!"

...seriously...

Am I the *ONLY* one in this god damn world that GETS the Sci-fi channel? Am I the ONLY person in the world who thinks that maybe if we need spider milk that bad, we should milk spiders rather than try and Frankenstein up a batch? Am I the ONLY one who is creeped out by the thought of milking spiders?

This isn't how the FIRST generation of goat-spiders operate, sure. I'll give you that. But a few mutations down the old bloodline and we're facing tin can eating tarantulas the size of large dogs. Impossible you say? Well 20 years ago, the thought of inserting spider DNA into a frigging goat was impossible too.

Science likes to sling that word around like it has weight, right up until they say "uh oh" and something eats their face.

And at that point? You better pray that Richard Grieco is not only available to save us all...

...but that he has made friends with the trucker convoy bees.

Because we're going to need all the help that we can get.

-Coyote