Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

MMO games are huge - which is a big part of their allure.

You can explore and travel a vast span of hillside and feel like you are truly alone in a real world. You can travel to exotic cities, gallop to seldom seen shores, and even soar to the tops of mountains.

But because the games are so large, sometimes walking or running to alocation is simply out of the question. The quest will be over and the raid long disbanded by the time you wheeze your tired ass to the zone-in.

Thus we introduce mounts.

Horses are the most common, and most LOGICAL choice for a traveling companion in any medieval fantasy setting. Although popular game trends give you other options, those options are stupid and poorly thought out, because if you really put ANY time into considering the animal you were about to ride...

You STICK with the horse.

Giant Cats: Hey Prince Adam? He-man called, he said that you look like a giant frigging poofter.

Unless you ARE He-Man, riding a giant frigging cat just makes you look like a float in a gay pride parade. Then again, even if you ARE He-Man, riding a giant frigging cat makes you look like a float in a gay pride parade.

Oh, I understand the thought and concept behind it:

"One man and his noble great cat, alone against the world and maybe an impressive backdrop of like mountains and crap to symbolize their strength as they stare broodingly at something directly behind you, and slightly to your right."

The PROBLEM is: It's a giant frigging CAT. And while I know that a tiger or a sabertooth or whatever your mount is isn't technically a house cat, it is STILL a cat. Why is that a problem?

Because cats are frigging EVIL.

Temperamental, fickle, and easily distracted by string and quick movements, riding a cat is like strapping your saddle to a hyperactive horse with A.D.D. - One minute you're galloping majestically through the plains, then next?

BOOM. It sees a mouse or a bird, or a blowing gum wrapper and the next thing you know you're 15 miles from where you wanted to be with your face being repeatedly slammed into the side of an Ogre's couch because that's where your mount batted the candy wrapper and now he can't get to it.

Riding giant cats is stupid.

Elephants / Mammoths: I know what you're thinking...

"What could be more imposing than riding into battle on the back of a giant war elephant? A living tank? A wall of muscle and strength?"

How about riding into battle on ANYTHING?

Elephants are the retards of the animal kingdom. They're the big dumb football players who've taking one too many tackles to the head. Sure they're big and they're strong and intimidating- but they're slow as hell and they stink to high heaven.

Why not just strap your saddle onto a giant sweaty armpit?

Plus, you don't exactly CHARGE into battle on an elephant. You kinda just slowly walk there...maybe grabbing at some plants along the way, or picking at the tail of the elephant ahead of you on the trail. Unless you feel like giving your enemy a month's notice that you're about to attack, and then presenting a slow moving target the size of a house, avoid frigging elephants.

That, and do you really want to be defeated in battle because your imposing monster steed saw a cute little mouse?

Elephants suck, and they poop out clumps of yuck the size of basketballs.

Rhinos: Rhinos are frigging awesome right?

WRONG.

Let's weigh the pros and cons of riding a RHINO into battle.

Pros: Heavily armored, amazing bursts of speed, uncontrollable primal rage, and deadly bone protrusions that can puncture steel.

Cons: THEY F***ING HATE YOU.

Dude. Rhinos are frigging mean - which is why you never see some Disney movie about "Randy the Rambunctious Rhino" and his adventures with a talking cat and a wise cracking frog. Because the FIRST time the frog pissed him off, Randy would stomp him flat and then gore the living piss out of the cat for no frigging reason. Rhinos are the god damn eopito-frigging-me of roid rage.

And now you've strapped a saddle to one.

Good luck with that skippy. I'll be over here with a mop and some oxyclean, just waiting.

Rhinos don't have loyalty. Rhinos don't have friends, and Rhinos can't be tamed. Sure, you can slap a saddle on them, and okay - you can ride them into battle looking badass. But that's only because the Rhino wants to kill stuff, and the moment you forget that he's not your friend and leap off of him to loot a corpse?

HE is going to remember that "Oh yeah, this ASSHAT put a frigging SADDLE on me. I'm going to wear his frigging prostate as an antenna topper."

Leave the Rhinos alone man. Seriously.

Flying Carpets: No one has ever, even ONCE been impressed, awed, or stricken with fear by the site of a flying carpet.

Not once.

Even when Aladdin discovered them and the genie gave him the ultimate ride to flaunt in front of his friends, NO one was impressed. Sure, it was magic, and showed his power and he was able to travel great distances in the blink of an eye or soar to amazing heights - but at the end of the day? His buddies laughed and called him "Assladdin" while making fun of his rug.

Let's look at the facts:

1) There is no MANLY way to ride a frigging carpet. You either have to sit down like you're waiting patiently for your teacher to finish the story of "Randy the Rhino", or you have to do a weird surfer crouch wobble like you really have to poop.

2) There are no steam cleaners in game. One wine stain and your impressive mount is ruined.

D) You're riding a FRIGGING RUG.

You can't load up a rug with gear and equipment, because it is a FRIGGING RUG. You can't bond with your loyal mount and form a friendship akin to that of the Lone Ranger and Silver, because it IS A FRIGGING RUG.

Plus, since it was made overseas? It's probably really flammable.

Rugs suck.

Bears: Falling in love with the new EQ2 expansion, I've been blessed with an amazing looking mount..

A Dire Bear!

How awesome is THAT? I get to ride a giant frigging BEAR into battle? How can my enemies stand against this? How can they possibly stop me now that I have a monstrous mount like an angry BEAR? I'm FEARSOME! I'm invincible! I'm UNSTOPABLE!

...unless someone throws some food to one side, or hangs a cooler of supplies from a tree.

Then I'm just along for the ride.

Face it - bears eat. That's all that bears do. They eat, they poop, and then they eat some more. Sure, they occasionally wear little hats and ride comically tiny bikes, but that's only because you're giving them food to do it.

Bears LOVE to eat.

So if your enemy has a lot of food, you're going to be clinging onto your mount for dear life as it walks on it's hind legs and swipes at the Igloo cooler hanging from a tree branch. And if you don't KEEP your bear well fed?

He'll probably remember that A) He loves to eat B) he loves food and 4) You are something that he loves...AND you are made of food!

Lucky frigging day eh Boo-boo? You've just become a sandwich strapped to it's back. And you better pray that he doesn't GET an itchy back, because we've all seen those national geographic clips that show a bear scratching it's ass on a tree.

After the battle? They'll find your mount, unscathed, eating whatever food it found, about 20 feet from a tree marred by a long red smear that used to be you.

So stick with the horses - there's a reason we've been riding them since the stone age.

They seldom if ever, eat us.

-Coyote