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This is Karolina Kurkova.

Karolina Kurkova is a model.

Karolina Kurkova is HOT.

Karolina Kurkova.........is an ALIEN.

Now I know what you are thinking:

"Wasn't Stan Lee's "Harpies" the worst Sci-Fi movie you've ever had the misfortune of seeing?"

Let's put it this way; in the first few minutes of the movie, a guy gets his eyeballs ripped from his head and thrown onto the ground next to him. Ignoring the lack of blood, the fact that it seemed to cause him more annoyance than pain, or that they cast Steven Baldwin as a "tough guy ex-cop", all that I could think was:

"Wow. That guy was kinda lucky. Now he never has to SIT THROUGH THIS GOD DAMN MOVIE."

It was frigging HORRIBLE, and Stan Lee should be more careful where he slings his name, because getting it attached to a Baldwin Brother is never a good thing.

But that's not the point.

The point is that Karolina Kurkova is a frigging alien. As I'm sure that you've had MORE than enough time to ogle over the leggy blonde model by now, let me get to the crux of today's column by bringing into spotlight something that you might NOT have noticed about Karolina Kurkova.

Karolina Kurkova has no belly button.

That's right, go back and look, we'll wait.

See? No belly button. And don't think that this is a trick of airbrushing or an obvious case of "photoshopitis". It isn't. Karolina Kurkova HAS NO BELLY BUTTON, which if you remember, is one of my signs that a person is REALLY an alien.

Now, like you I was skeptical. I mean we KNOW that they are among us, yet to do something so blatantly obvious? Surely it was a mistake, a trick of light, or an internet hoax - right?

Wrong. Dead wrong. Here's more proof.

Not her? How about a beach candid?

In fact, according to the article and alert sent to us by alert reader Madhog, (Thank you and Nimbledy Crickets Madhog!), this is not only real - but has been noticed in the past by other people. But don't worry, her agent and publicist explains the reason behind her missing bellybutton in this article:

"she's not an alien"

...

....

OH COME ON! That is EXACTLY what a publicist for a GOD DAMN ALIEN WOULD SAY! Why would you even BRING IT UP if she wasn't an alien? It wasn't like people (Okay, people past ME) were asking what planet she was from, or what her mission here on earth was - they were asking things like "What is the medical reason behind her not having a bellybutton?"

To just blurt out "she's not an alien" just reassures me to the fact that YES, this chick is most DEFINITELY an alien! It's the whole little kid guilt thing:

"What happened in the kitchen?"

"I didn't eat the cookies."

"We didn't SAY that someone ate the cookies..."

"....I love you mommy."

It works the SAME god damn way with this face hugging alien chick.

"Medically speaking, it has been noted that Ms. Kurkova seems to be lacking a belly button, and we are curious as if this has something to do with her past health."

"Well she's not an ALIEN!"

"...of..of course not, aliens don't exist. Is she-"

"HAHA! YOU'RE RIGHT! THEY DON'T! So she's TOTALLY NOT AN ALIEN! HAHAHA! You wacky journalists! HAHA!"

"...why did you just slip me a piece of paper with the words "help me"written on it?"

...

See?

Now I know that most of you consider me "paranoid" or "out of touch with reality" or as having "advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage", but THIS *has* to prove my point at least a little bit. Aliens are among us and they're using their superior alien technology to send in bony super models with no breasts to work for Victoria's Secret.

Yeah...I don't get their plans either - but I'm sure it leads up to something nefarious. I mean you don't travel a few billion light years just to peddle a few push-up bras. They have to be up to something, and if I've been right about this...

...what ELSE have I been right about that you've all just laughed off.

Yeah.

Think about it. Think about it and pray that the aliens never figure out that if they make a chick's boobs big enough...

...we won't even NOTICE that they're missing belly buttons. Or feet. Or even heads.

Because then we're doomed.

-Coyote