I'll just skip dessert, thanks...
Updated Wed, Dec 03, 2008 by Coyote
When brain storming with some of the gang on what horrible torments to inflict on my family this holiday season with my patent pending "Make them eat gross stuff for your amusement", several of the gang nodded to the United Kingdom and made faces like they had just sampled from a bowl of figgy pudding. After doing a bit of research, I learned a few things about U.K. desserts, and decided then and there...
To NEVER inflict such things on the people I love.
I mean I'll make them drink 3rd world soda, or eat candy that may or may not be comprised of packing peanuts held together with sugar...but to inflict upon them the mock deliciousness of British Cuisine? There are some bridges even *I* won't burn. So instead of actually eating these desserts for the holiday and reviewing them while begging the Mrs. to try "just one more" because "I promise you can stop if you puke", I've decided instead to TELL you about what I have discovered while ACTUALLY doing research.
You see, the British love their pudding - LOVE it, and because of this every dessert they make eventually ends up into a pudding form. Of course, if you had a smile like and abandoned shoe factory...
...you'd probably want all of your favorite treats mushed up in a bowl for you too.
But I digress.
The problem with this is that not only do the British love their pudding, but they're under the impression that ANYTHING they add sugar and milk suddenly qualifies *as* pudding. And therefore it becomes a dessert.
Luckily for us, they give these "sweet treats" horrible and sometimes frightening names that make it easier for the rest of the civilized world to avoid on title basis alone. If someone offered you a "dog snot donut", chances are you aren't going to accept - even if they explain to you WHAT it is. Dog snot and donuts should never mix.
The same can be said for British "desserts", (yes, desserts is in sarcastic air quotes) for example:
Macaroni Pudding - Cook up some Macaroni, throw it in a casserole dish with some eggs, milk, sugar and nutmeg and you have...
...a bowl full of disgusting mush that no sane person would eat.
...Er...I mean...
Macaroni Pudding!
A popular and easy to make dessert dish enjoyed by ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY NO ONE! This isn't a DESSERT, this is something that you make when you're bored because you're too lazy to go shopping and all that you have LEFT in the house is a box of macaroni, a couple eggs, and some nutmeg.
If Satan had a dessert, it would be Macaroni Pudding.
This is a punishment dessert, designed for bad kids who don't clean their plate of the actual meal served them. Adults in the U.K. must have realized that taking away desert from a kid is no big deal - but forcing them to eat THIS crap if they don't scrape their plate?
That is f***ing BRILLIANT.
Trifle - The first thought that should enter your head when someone asks you: "Would you care for some Trifle?" is "Why does this person hate me?"
The second thought should be, "What the HELL is trifle? I bet it has mushrooms in it. They're always sticking mushrooms in crap and trying to make you eat it." So what is Trifle?
Trifle is cake, soaked in booze, mushed up and then served with boiled custard poured over it.
Doesn't THAT sound god damn DELICOUS?
As you know, custard is like pudding, only grosser and more mysterious in nature. We've all heard about it, most of us have probably had it, but no one REALLY knows what custard is, but just the name makes it sound like it is going to have chunks of a solid-ish gelatin nature in it, and makes me hesitant to try it.
Although, admittedly, soaking cake in booze IS rather genius for a dessert. So I give them that.
Custard is made from either spoiled milk, or by mushing up that surface of skin that you have to pull off of old style "cooked" pudding that makes you dry heave when you get a chunk of it in your mouth.
Probably the most edible desert ON this list, which isn't saying much because it looks and smells like hobo vomit.
Semolina Pudding - Also known as "isn't that a disease or poisoning that you get from raw chicken or eggs that still have poop on them??!", no thank you, I don't want no Salmonella pudding.
Okay, I realize that Semolina Pudding probably has nothing to do with Salmonella, and honestly isn't even pronounced the same. I'm exaggerating for the sake of comedy and it is probably really tasty and has nothing to do with raw eggs. So what exactly *IS* Semolina?
"Semolina is the purified middlings of hard wheat used in making pasta..."
....
Wow. That sounds delicious. I wonder what the ingredients are....
Let's see: Milk, eggs, sugar, purified middlings of hard wheat used in making pasta.....
What's that you say? It sounds JUST LIKE FRIGGING MACARONI PUDDING? No no no. You ignorant American! Macaroni pudding uses NUTMEG. Semolina pudding uses CINNAMON. You see? They are two TOTALLY different yet equally disgusting mush piles that you should never EVER frigging eat.
Seriously? Do they even HAVE Jell-O over there? I guarantee that if you hooked them up with a few snack packs of Jell-O pudding, they'd never go back to eating mushy cinnamon pasta gruel again.
Snack Packs are god damn DELICIOUS. Spaghetti and milk? I'm guessing not so much.
Steamed Treacle Pudding - I have no idea what a "treacle" is, but just judging the word on its shape and proximity to "tentacle", I'm guessing it is disgusting, and more likely than not tastes like fish.
Or at least like the beach after a really bad storm on a really warm day.
But for the sake of spreading knowledge and pointing out that just adding milk, eggs, and sugar to something doesn't make it a frigging pudding...we'll look this up. As a writer I know that "treacle" can mean "sickening sweet", so if this is candied fish heads, I'm going to vomit up my pasta pudding.
"Treacle is a thick dark brown sugar syrup produced from refining raw sugarcane. It has a distinctive strong, slightly bitter flavor."
You pour this over a sponge cake that has been made mushy by (You guessed it!) milk, eggs, and sugar and you have your delicious....
Lump of half cooked pancake dough smothered in raw syrup.
Seriously, how is this a DESERT? It sounds like a half-assed attempt at breakfast by a hung-over parent who forgot to turn the stove on for the first 5 minutes of "cooking" because their head is pounding and they're staring zombie like into the butter dish.
If you took a box of Little Debbie snack cakes over to England, you could make a million dollars.
Spotted Dick Pudding - Insert your OWN jokes here.
Me?
I'm never eating ANYTHING with the words "dick" and "pudding" in the title.
And what's with the "spotted"? That implies what? Cancer? Those really creepy skin tags that fat people get? What, you couldn't get FRESH dick, so instead you had to go for the ones that were getting those weird brown spots on them that bananas get?
What in the HELL is spotted dick pudding?!?
"Spotted dick is a Suet Pudding."
....okay.
What in the HELL is SUET?
"Suet is raw beef or mutton fat, especially the hard fat found around the loins and kidneys."
....
That's right. Spotted dick is a pudding made from suet, with some dried fruit thrown in, giving it a "spotted" look, hence the name. It is then severed with custard to people that the British hate, but laughingly convince that "we eat this all tha time, guv'na!"
This is the Fear Factor of desserts. It's got lard and dried fruit smothered in custard, and if they consider this a GOOD dessert, I can only imagine in my most dry heave induced nightmare what they consider to be a "bad" or "mediocre" form of confection.
I'm guessing it is chocolate. Or real candy. Which is probably like garlic to a vampire to them.
Guh. I have to go brush my teeth.
-Coyote
-
ReviewsMon, Feb 13, 2012Ethec
-
Zone Info, GuidesMon, Feb 13, 2012Halfshell
-
Press Release, News, Official AnnouncementsMon, Feb 13, 2012Martuk
-
News, Official AnnouncementsMon, Feb 13, 2012Martuk
-
NewsMon, Feb 13, 2012Martuk
-
Basics, GuidesMon, Feb 13, 2012Ethec
-
Basics, FAQ, Misc Guides, GuidesSun, Feb 12, 2012Space Junkie
-
Features, OpinionsSun, Feb 12, 2012Saia
-
FeaturesMon, Feb 13, 2012Mem
-
Features, OpinionsMon, Feb 13, 2012Messiah
My sister is currently living in England, and has talked about how great the deserts are over there. As a PSA, I am sending her a copy of this. I am also wondering when the PC police over on that little island will outlaw deserts for public saftey reasons =)
My first time in London, I eagerly ordered a "Yorkshire Pudding" with my meal.
I was very confused...
uhm . . . . eeewwwwwwww!!!!
@ Avatox - I have to agree with your sister about the deserts. When we went to Englan in 2003 I came back raving about the deserts. I actually still look for a blonde treacle pudding recipe. We've gotten several recipes for it, but none of them have been as delicious as the pudding we had in Carlisle. Then there were these shortbread type things that had something on top. Ok. See now I miss the desert again. I really don't recall any of the other food except for the lamb we had, but that was because it was Fresh.
I like British food....is that wrong? I even have a couple of British cookbooks that I thumb lovingly on a regular basis. DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!
Coy - Are you trying to alienate half of your audience? Wait you do that on a regular basis. Nevermind, carry on.
You missed blood pudding. No, I am not kidding. Yes it has ACTUAL FACTUAL blood in it. They serve it with Blood sausage. No, its nothing like the sausage patty you get at McDonald's. McDonald's doesn't use meat. This blood pudding is what they used to subjugate the Irish. Woad was used to counteract the symptoms caused by Blood Pudding or Blood Sausage, namely the extreme and often violent vomiting.
well, some of these deserts actually sound worse than finch and chimps, which i hear the british eat a lot of. Birds and monkeys don't sound very good.
You are such a heathen.
Yes the names are correct, no the way they are made isnt.
Actually Im pleased you dont like the sound of them, the thought of some yankee firm producing our delicious after tea treats leaves me cold.
Cold in fact, like the custard put onto trifle.
I seriously can not believe you wouldnt like to try trifle. Its basically a bottom layer of jelly (jello for you morons) with sponge fingers which are pre soaked in alcohol, usually sherry, and NOT mushed up, left to set. Upon this is layered 2 inches of custard, cold, then on top of this is the same depth of fresh cream, finished off with sprinkles.
...
What the hell is there not to like?
As for treacle pudding...you have NO idea what yer missing there Mister, its the king of puddings lemme tell you!
You probably have all these deserts in the US btw, you just call them stupid names. Like Fanny Pack.
...
Fanny.
...
*giggle*
Er wheres my posting I just made? I see, trying to supress my speech eh?
Nazi!
Wth coyote, just wth *blink*
I disagree with madhog, TRIFLE is the king of puddings, not teacle pudding.
Custard is made from egg yolk milk and suger i believe, been a long time since i actually made any from scratch
You americans renamed "jelly" to "jell-o" and then started calling jam, jelly.
I dont think i've seen anyone EVER eat macaroni pudding, hell i didn't even know what it was, i went to 9 years to boarding school over here and they never attempted to feed me that, dude, it can't exist, or if it does it's delicious and they wouldn't let us have it.
And just so you know? that "cadbury" you have over there? It's not real, it's just that horrible hershy stuff rewrapped *sick* try some of the real cadbury stuff and you'll never ever want to eat american chocolate again. If you havn't already done so anyhow and your just taking the mick as usual.
Sweets=candy, but i would say ours taste better, yours are more plentiful and aren't that bad.
Madhog Says:
As for treacle pudding…you have NO idea what yer missing there Mister, its the king of puddings lemme tell you!
--------------------------------------------------
Completely agree here... treacle pudding is delicious! Although Wenchy and I haven't found a Yank that can make it as good as we had in England. Good efforts and good in their own right, sure... but not AS good as we had there.
But, I actually liked the haggis we had in Edinburgh too...
I miss Trifle. I miss it. So desperately.
Haggis is nice, yes, but, it shouldnt be. Its on my list of things I dont wanna know what the hell they make it with, like hotdogs and any other sausage.
I'd just like to voice my appreciation for the support from yanks that have been further than the next county line.
Personally I love american food too, can't beat an american burger, or a Krispy Kreme from the US either, both do NOT travel well and the versions we have here are bloody awful. Anytime Im out entertaining yankee mates / colleagues in the UK, I cringe if they order burgers or steaks and do all I can do persuade them not to.
Cheesecake, thats something else you do better than us, tho that might be cos its the size of a small house.
I could write for hours about the stuff I love from around the world, but Mr Small Minded Never Been Outa His County wouldnt get it, and for that Im truly sorry for him.
*giggle*
Size and weight of a small house, Madhog. their cheesecake is the size and weight of a small house. And baked? What the heck is that about? The only stuff you can cook or bake with cheese inis called 'macaroni' or 'toast and cheese' or at a pinch 'savoury bread / scones'.
Oh, while we're on the subject of scones... biscuits? You call them biscuits and then eat them with gravy? Did that Webster bloke just totally take your entire language and mix it up till nothing means what it means any more? I mean okay so 'fanny' is just funny in ways we can't go into here but calling a scone a biscuit then serving it with gravy is just downright dangerous. Seriously. Somebody is going to ned up going AAAAH Bisto all over their KitKat. And then HYURK all over your kitchen table.
And you shouldn't mock Mr Coy for being small minded. He's only tiny.
In so many ways.
I miss sticky toffee pudding...it was beautiful. *sniff* Course, I'm one of those people that can be pointed at the desserts and skip dinner entirely. =D
Oh yeah, and black pudding, with fried eggs, and bacon, and sausage, and fried tomatoes, and haggis, and...dammit, now I want that breakfast I had in Scotland again. Now I'll be thinking about it all day...thanks a bloody lot.
>:[
Alma.... there is a difference between real scones and biscuits. I can't remember what exactly makes that difference right at this moment, but there's differences between them in both texture and taste. Biscuits were made for gravy and scones were made for butter, honey and jam. We only started serving biscuits with butter, honey and jam because we couldn't find enough scones over here!
Bah,
All this talk of food from the UK makes me happy that Thanksgiving is just around the corner. with foods like TURKEY or POTATOES. The upside to Thanksgiving is that you don't have to mix some harmless ingredients together to make the next WMD.
Mad,
I learned never to order a steak when we were in England. It had rosemary and sage on it. Of course I'll be the first to admit I was mildly worried about Mad Cow's Disease at first, but then I decided i was being ridiculous. I had a wonderful giant prawn dish when I was in Oban. I also liked the fish-n-chips in Chipping Campden, and I usually don't like fish.
How can you have any spotted dick pudding if you dont eat yer meat!
This coming from someone who lives in a country where a Twinkie is considered a major food group
I think it was Confuscious, or Plato, or one of them clever sods that said "When a man is tired of custard he is tired of life."
I did a tour in England back in the day. Vividly remember being told about spotted dick. Giggles ensued.
Thanks for reminding me about that.
just had 2teeth pulled and your making me bloody hungry!
OMG.
I just found... I swear...
Spotted Dick in a Can.
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51nDCvwD2jL._SS500_.jpg
That's nice... with custard.