Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

We geeks should be in charge.

Now I know what you are thinking:

"Um. Dude. We are? Who do you think RUNS the computers and creates the technology that the military uses? Who do you think writes the instruction manuals and develops the lasers? Geeks ARE in charge!"

And if you're thinking that, you'd be wrong.

Sure, all of that stuff SOUNDS impressive, but who are we fooling? We'd be doing that even if there wasn't war or a military. It is our nature to tinker and tinker we must. Besides, WE might invent it (With admittedly, a large helping hand from our Nerd cousins.) but we don't use it or truly control it.

Face it. We're doing homework for the cool kids, and have somehow been thrown right back into high school. Oh we might invent, tweak and teach how to use, but the moment we have something REALLY awesome the jocks come over and take it.

And use it to win the heart of Myra Maxwell who ignored us except for that one time she called you "Dave", which made you happy even though that's not your name.

...

....but I digress.

What I'm saying is that the geeks should REALLY be in charge. No jocks or muscle-bound walking mounds of testosterone to snatch away the accomplishments and take credit, no Fabio wannabe using our creations for evil just because he wants to invade some forgotten country that I can't point to on a map. I'm talking REALLY in charge.

Think about it. What couldn't we fix?

Over Population: No brainer.

It is a proven and patent pending "Coyote Researched Fact" that most geeks are virgins, so we have a low reproduction rate. We're not all social butterflies, so instead we tend to cocoon up in our mother's basement and never actually get around to reproducing because the Sci-Fi channel ran a back-to-back Star Trek and Battle Star Galactica marathon.

"But Coyote! I'm a geek, and I've had sex! With a GIRL even!"

If you're a chick and you're saying this.......tell me more. Uncle Coyote is listening.

If you're a GUY and saying this...

Quit bragging. You're throwing off the Bell Curve and making the rest of your brethren feel even worse about themselves. I didn't say that we *don't* reproduce, I just said that we don't do it as OFTEN as non-geeks. And even if you do manage to ignite your light saber into the taun-taun of some geek chick? You're just breeding yourself out:

A geek with a low chance of having sex and reproducing has a kid with ANOTHER geek who had (up until the gruntfest) the same chances. Their offspring is now an ubergeek with even LOWER chances of ever setting their phaser to "O-face".

Within a few generations of "geek only" breeding, the world population would be cut in half, easily. Sure - allergy tablet sales and prices for basement apartments would shoot through the roof, but that's not the focus of this study.

Homelessness: Believe it or not, geeks have already solved this problem within our own society. We all know of, or have that one friend who doesn't seem to have a permanent address, yet is happy, healthy, and always at home. We call it the:

"Dude...can I crash on your couch?" Effect.

With the DCICOYC Effect, it has been estimated that nearly 99.9% of the homeless geek population is largely unaware that they are indeed homeless. This is because geeks bond tightly with any other life form that will talk to them to the point of adopting each other and forming "living communities" that revolve around who has the biggest couch. Late night gaming sessions (both online and off) have been known to carry on until literally EVERYONE involved simply leans back and falls asleep - only to continue when they wake in unison as if sharing a hive mind.

Admittedly this solution only works within the geek community, as really crazy and stinky homeless people frighten us in ways that only "angry flea beards" can.

But given enough time and research? Geeks could totally wipe out homelessness in the world. And hell, we probably wouldn't even realize that we did it.

Poverty: We have one word for you: Credits.

Not credit cards, or debit cards, or some form of currency that you carry around with you, but actual, REAL credits.

Like they have on Sci-fi movies and in some really good table top RPG's.

I can't get into this in any real depth, as I have no idea how they work - but what I do know is that "credits" sound a lot cooler than paper money, and give everything that awesome Sci-Fi edge that the world is missing. I mean, what sounds better to YOU?

"One Pepsi Max. That'll be $1.59."

or

"One Pepsi Max. That'll be 1 credit citizen. Thank you for shopping at 111 1011."

Credits would fix everything and more importantly stop Simon Phoenix from buying anything. Unless he cuts off someone's hand, so let's hope that he doesn't figure THAT out.

Hunger: If geeks are living testimony to ANYTHING, it is that they've OBVIOUSLY overcome any issues with world hunger.

Geek foods are often fried in fat, coated with sugar, filled with cheese, wrapped in bacon, or some amazing combination of all four that I can't even BEGIN to wrap my mind around.

The problem with starving countries is that they all want to eat rice and weird yellow paste out of wooden bowls. Anyone who knows ANYTHING about food, or what a calorie is will tell you that plain white rice and weird yellow paste have absolutely NO nutritional value and will not put ANY meat on your bones because they have like 11 calories between them. For those of you who need a quick refresher, I remind you of the Dave Barry school of learning:

"A calorie is the unit of measure that tells you how good food tastes"

Meaning a lump of yellow frigging paste has NO calories, where in let's say, a TWINKIE has about 97,000 of them.

So instead of giving the starving people HEALTHY food like vegetables and soy-based vegan friendly meatless gruel - give them Twinkies and junk food. Sure, they might get fat - but isn't that kinda the point? Besides, if they're starving and eat really fatty foods, it'll balance out and they'll get all cut and ripped from eating donuts.

Which is every geek's DREAM.

It's a win/win situation.

War: As you might have guessed, with all this intellect flying around - we geeks fight.

A LOT.

But because we're not exactly BUILT for combat, and most of us end up with nosebleeds that can literally last YEARS, we've had to evolve and learn how to use other tactics to settle conflict.

Namely d20 dice and video games.

There is NO conflict in this world that cannot be settled by a roll of a d20, (provided that both parties submit to its all knowing answers) or a grudge match in a head-to-head video game.

You roll an 11, but some country we're invading gets a natural 20? They keep their oil, we leave.

We SCHOOL them with Guile in Street Fighter II, even though they went for the obvious Ryu or Ken combo? They have to stop smashing shit into our buildings. Plus? As an added bonus you can then call upon the loser at ANY time and make them admit that they"work for you" and they HAVE to do it.

"Hello?"

"Hey Iraq? Who do you work for?"

"..."

"Say it."

"No! I had the bad joystick and one of my buttons stuck! It doesn't COUNT!"

"Saaaaay it."

"NO!"

"Saaaaay it."

"*sigh* You. I work for you. *sigh*"

"That's right. *click*"

....and just like that?

The world is a better place.

-Coyote