The name's Friday. BLACK Friday...
Updated Wed, Dec 03, 2008 by Coyote
Today is black Friday.
If you are reading this, chances are that you are home. This means that you probably haven't left the house today, and with a bit of luck...
...you don't plan to.
It just isn't SAFE out there. Not today. Not on...BLACK FRIDAY.
For those cave dwellers out there who have never worked retail, or have never heard the term, let me explain: As you may have noticed, during the holiday shopping season most of society slowly de-evolves and becomes collectively retarded.
People forget how to drive, how to push carts without taking up entire aisles, and even how to walk without hogging the whole pathway and holding up hordes of people who are trying to get around them. They become living road blocks as they yammer on their cell phones or hold conversations with friends in the middle of a busy walk way. This is expected during holiday shopping, and as annoying as it is, we even tolerate it. Sure, we roll our eyes or do a rough shoulder bump as we push by to mark our anger, but on the whole it is to be somewhat accepted.
But on Black Friday? People lose their god damn MINDS.
You can't even CALL it holiday shopping; it's more like "looting and rioting that you pay for". Every tiny shred of decency is left at home as people flood en masse to the malls in order to stomp "River Dance" style on anyone stupid enough to get between them and a discounted item. Fist fights, stampedes and mob mentalities run freely, and if ever there were a day that someone would get stabbed to death over a parking space, or the last limited edition Barbie?
It's today.
So what exactly *IS* Black Friday?
Well about 34 years ago when life on this planet was willed into existence, every major store chain and retailer decided that the day AFTER Thanksgiving should mark the beginning of the holiday shopping season. They all got together and laughed as they lit cigars with flaming money and plotted on how they were going to not only get richer - but make us even more miserable in the process.
They accomplish this every year by doing things like: Selling the hard-to-find Nintendo Wii for $150 dollars.
"But Coyote! That's an AMAZING price for the Wii! How is that a BAD thing?" You might ask if you are a completemoron.
This is a bad thing because they're not REALLY selling the Wii for $150 dollars - they're selling the TWO Wii's that they have in STOCK for that much. This makes people line up for frigging MILES hours before the store opens in hopes of getting the unbelievably marked merchandise. This ALSO breaks the people STANDING in those lines down into a little "Lord of the Flies" society, faster than you could ever imagine.
Don't believe me?
Find one of those lines and try cutting ahead of someone.
They'll never find your body.
So the first two people in line get the Wii, and the rest just get ANGRY. But now they're at the store that's full of OTHER great deals, and thus the Thunder Dome of shopping is created.
No one gets what they want. Everyone is cranky and mad, and the two people who DID get the Wii's are just going to flip them on eBay when they get home.
Black Friday SUCKS.
Unless you plan on staying at home, playing video games, and stickin'your tongue out atTHE MAN by surfing the net for naughty pictures because youhave the day off, and are slacking HARD on the blog because it's the holiday....
Then it kinda rules.
So enjoy your day off, Not Funny...Ever will resume on Monday - and if you are one of the many who are dumb enough to go shopping today...
May the gods have mercy on your soul.
-Coyote
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*yawn* more yank specific holiday stuff? Bah, i'm off to university, hopefully someone in the comments would of done their job and written something funny by the time i get back
you know you're posting this early cuz you're getting up in 6 hours to go shopping coy =P
oh.. and first!
Wow....I am reading this at 2am and still get 2nd.....don't know if that is sad or pathetic.
More likely sad AND pathetic.
So people, like, go OUTSIDE?
And shop? In "stores"?
What sort of primitive, third world country are you describing here, Coy?
Don't you have eBay/Amazon/Game over there on your side of the internets??
*boggle*
I think they still use cash too Alma, not credits like us more advanced nations do.
Couple of points to raise here tho.
Black Friday? So, if I understand, this also means a bad Friday. Ergo, you are associating the word black with bad.
RACIST!
I hope to hell Shadow doesn't see this, it will make a piece of him die inside, like it just did me. Why do you hate us? Is it cos we is black? For shame Coyote, for shame!
Plus, why the hell would anyone wanna go out "holiday" shopping in November ffs? Whats up with like my fellow advanced citizen, Alma, says, use the internet, its cheaper, you get more choice and you get to look at porn while browsing??
Failing that, the 24th Dec is the best day for Christmas shopping, the palpable deadline drawing ever close, the fear spreading throughout your body, the knowledge that you have to get something NOW while you wonder why you didnt order from Amazon 3 weeks ago, knowing you will be judged on what you buy her.
Of course I've done all my gift shopping, all delivered 3 days after ordering by the Royal Mail, all from Amazon, all without leaving my home to risk my sanity against the lemmings and retards battling to save 2 quid on a 500 quid TV.]
Good day sir!
PS something else for you think about. That "cash" stuff you still appear to be using, Mr Last Century, think about how many hands have touched that. Hands that didnt wash. Even after a poo. Or worse. Celery. *shiver*.
Heh, why do you think I'm up this early on black friday
You guessed it
Just like everybody else, I'm trying to have a few beers before work
It is currently 5:15am and I am up. Why? I'm working from home and about to go back to sleep until the phone rings. I do plan on going to Home Depot on my lunch break at 10am to buy a tool chest that's on sale but that's it. My wife didn't find anything in the ads and has declared that she is going to sleep in and is not be disturbed until she's ready to get up.
At least they're paying me double time.
Did... did you just call this thing a "blog," Coyote?
*puts a hand to Coyote's forehead
Sigh. I thought I had made it. I thought I wouldn't have to leave the house this year. But NOOOOOO! Hubby informs me we are going to look at the couch he wants that's on sale - ONLY TODAY!
Sigh. Shoot me. Or give me some good drugs.
*checks the locks on the doors, turns off the phones & lines up the dvds that will be watched*
I'm not going anywhere, I didn't even look at the sales flyers. There is absolutely NO FRIGGIN' WAY I am walking out that door today. They hubby would have to burn the house down before I would even dream of going outside.
*grumbles about spending 6 hours in the car to spend 4 uncomfortable hours with drunken family-in-laws*
Doing the Chrimbo shopping a day or two before the exhange of pressies, always felt more Chrissmassy to me. Least, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Maybe it's the ropey old Chrimbo songs that never turn up on The Latest Christmas Complilation VolII on repeat in every shop, maybe it's the smell of desperation in the air, or maybe it's the mind numbing feeling jostling for attention over the knackered ankles and calves from that stop/start/stop/start pedestrian traffic jam.
Do the backward colonies call them traffic jellies?
See, I'm going out of the house today.
But I'm not shopping! Mr Morvy is having me dress up, go to a nice dinner, then we're hitting the local Native American Casino. When we follow that proceedure, I always have kick ass luck on the nickel slots. Depending on the night, I can turn $20 into anywhere from $60 to $400. :D
...
Dont...do...it....Madhog...but...its...sooooooo.....tempting....the...devil...is...making...me....
Okay...
All those comments....
And NO ONE asked where the pic of the chick at the end came from.
I weep for nerds everywhere.
I work for walmart.... my fav thing to do is tell someone where something is in the wrong spot love sending someone for a tv in shoes when its somewhere else giggle love watching some 80 year old lady try to pull a 50 lcd on her cart down the main alse ha ha ha ha
Morvy said:
"Mr Morvy is having me dress up"
Pix or it didn't happen. :P
ok it's 6:40am and no collumn. Coy you're dropping the ball