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A video game based movie the size of Texas are hurtling towards the earth, and not even Bruce Willis accompanied by a huge drill and an Aerosmith soundtrack can save us.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li

Following the old saying; "If you can wow them with quality, bedazzle them with chicks in spandex." Street Fighter is back and making geek-asses across the world pucker in anticipation of it's epic suckage. I was hoping that this was going to just silently go away when I reported on its announcement a few months back, but as time has progressed...

...more and more screenshots have popped up.

As if trying to follow in the footsteps of the last (and amazing) Incredible Hulk movie, Street Fighter is not only ignoring the fact that it has already tried its hand at making this game into a movie - but is now blaming the whole thing on Jean Claude Van Damme, because he's probably dead anyway.

"We tried to stop him. We were all like "No dude, this movie sucks.", but then he did a split on two chairs while making fists and looking really angry, so we had to. If life teaches you any lesson it is this: "Don't mess with a guy who can do a split. Anyone who is able to take the pain of having his yam-bag stretched like a silly putty over the Sunday comics can and probably will kick your ass."

The difference is that The Incredible Hulk was pretty much a "no fail" movie subject. We all know him, we all love him, and a huge green guy hucking cars is something that every grown man-child wants to see.

Dudes doing splits, not so much. It just makes everyone uncomfortable.

Still, this IS the "Chun Li" story, so there is a bit of hope. Mainly because chicks fighters always have that "headlock-leg lock" move where they jump on some dude's shoulders and try to crush his head between their thighs.

This is how I want to die. (With just a few minor variations.)

The problem is: This move doesn't work. At all. Unless you're one of those weird bodybuilder chicks who still wear bikini tops even though your breasts look like they have biceps, a woman's legs just aren't that strong. You're not snapping some dude's neck or killing him instantly, regardless of what you might think. He's just faking death so that hot female fighters will continue to use this move.

Bad guys are still "guys" and they have to live by the time honored guy code of "Don't mess it up for the rest of us, you dick". Even if your nefarious plans are foiled by this move, you still kinda win and can claim a moral victory later when you're down at Joe's Henchmen Bar and Grill.

"Ahahah dude. CHUN-LI KICKED YOUR ASS! You are SUCH a wuss."

*sips a beer* "Yeah, a hot Asian chick wrapped her legs around my head for ten minutes while you were wrestling around with the bare chested oily blonde guy. What a horrible day for me."

".... .... ...shut up."

This is how guys operate, even the bad ones.

Why it is going to suck: Where do I even BEGIN?

Okay, I'm just gunna bullet up a list of quick and dirty reasons:

* Kristin Kreuk always looks like she is about to cry. Always. Either she's over-dosing on the Visine or she's got some SERIOUS mental baggage. Because of this, everything she does seems too look dramatic and broody and makes you feel guilty that you were checking out her ass as she bent over for another tissue.

* Throwing a chick into the lead of a movie does NOT negate the fact that there was ANOTHER Street Fighter movie that was so horrible that Raul Julia was forced to kill himself.

* It is a movie based off of a game whose plot was "try not to get your ass kicked in front of your friends by that 8 year old kid at the bowling alley who just called you "bitch".

* Seriously, that chick has some baggage - plus she's solely responsible for turning Smallville into Krypton 90210.

Don't get me wrong - I see why some people find her attractive. She's young, has a decent body, and is exotic in that whole "Is she Chinese, Egyptian, or what? I think that her mother is black, right?" kind of way. I just don't think that this movie has the talent or plot to launch itself onto the big screen in a way that will bring in the quarters that every coin-op wants.

Of course, I could just be bitter that she turned Superman Emo.

But that's just me.

-Coyote

(I know, I know, no pictures. Still working on the new format - and it seems (E-mail coming Radar) that I don't have the "import image" option in my admin account. Probably for the best...mauahhaha..but I'm gunna need that. -Coyote)

Oh, and he might need to know how to use the "Related Forum Thread" feature, too. But in the meantime, I've added a thread for comments. ;) - Shayalyn