Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

In the past I've stated that video games have been blamed for just about everything wrong with this world:

From people acting stupid, to violence, to even murder - people have been trying to use the Pacman Defense to excuse or at least explain the reasoning behind their actions, and why (most importantly) they were the real victim in all of this. But instead of rehashing the old and going through the most common things that are blamed on video games, (Obesity, violence, murder, global warming, Celine Dion's Career) I instead have decided to share with you five things that you may NOT have expected to gaming to shoulder the blame for:

Kidz who kan't reed: That's right, a new study is trying to link the decline of the English language to video games.

While it is true that children do spend an average of about 9 billion percent more time playing video games than pouring over the works of Shakespeare, I have to disagree with this blaming because...

...have you ever tried to READ Shakespeare? What in the F*** does forsooth mean? What's with all of the "Thy" instead of "The"? Was he a leet speaking 14 year old who couldn't type? Shakespeare is confusing as all hell, plus I think he like drank poison or slept with his mom or something, which is just weird and kinda gross.

I play a LOT of video games, and the one thing I've ALWAYS noticed in them?

Words.

Lots of words.

Video games are full of words and phrases and helpful life lessons in communication and language. They keep us up to date on common slang and colloquialisms that allow us to better connect to our fellow man. Hell, they can even teach you OTHER LANGUAGES! Because of Wolfenstien and it's ilk, if ever I need to tell a friend to hurry up and huck a grenade at someone?

I'm set baby.

I'm *set*.

Bad Driving: Bad driving, accidents, and "road rage" are more frequently being linked to video games. Let's face it - there are a lot of games out there that give points and awards for bad driving.

And I have caught myself more than once looking for the nitro button on the way to work, praying for a turbo-boost icon to appear in the middle of the road, and even a couple of times I've hucked a flaming bottle of alcohol into a passing car.

But that's IT.

Hoping. Wishing. *LAUGHING*. The rare and often humorous ignited bottle of hooch.

That's IT.

It never goes beyond idle thoughts and burning booze. To say video games have turned me into a bad driver is ridiculous, and to hint that they are the biggest problem on the road is mind numbingly naive because we all know the REAL reason people can't drive...

...because they are on THEIR GOD DAMN CELL PHONES!

It isn't video games causing accidents, (okay, past the people I huck flaming bottles at) its the morons on the cell phone doing 45 in a 65 in the FAST LANE ON THE HIGHWAY! These people SHOULD be rammed off of the road, or pushed into an oncoming big rig and when it happens? A SCORE SHOULD LIGHT UP INSIDE YOUR CAR! You should be rewarded with a free life or at least a "get out of speeding free card" because you're doing the world a favor. A cop should pull you over, walk up to your window, tap, and then notice your 1up for killing a douche bag on his cell phone.

"*tap tap* License and registration pl-..oh. Sorry. WOW! Awesome score dude!"

And then he should give a little knowing wink and a thumbs up before walking away.

The Decline of English Soccer: I wish I were making THIS up.

The lack of decent Soccer players in the last few crops has been blamed on "video games, because kids just don't get out to play anymore".

They're hinting that video games are the cause for disinterest in the sport, and that kids are fat and out of shape because they never get outside anymore. Yet in their haste to blame gaming on the decline of soccer, they overlook one obvious and crucial point:

SOCCER FRIGGING SUCKS!!!

It is STUPID! Ooooh look at me! I'll kick the ball down this field....and chase it while other guys try to kick it back! haha! Don't let it touch your hands because this is a game that only uses your feet! HAHA! What fun...first it went THAT way, and now it went this way and we chased it! HAHA! Don't let it touch your hands!

....

Soccer is for retards and rich kids who can't handle Rugby or American Football. It will never be popular or take off in the States because in this country we'd just pick it up and throw it into the f***ing goal.

Then we'd pants your goalie and kick your mascot in the nuts.

Soccer sucks and anyone who plays it is a spastic moron, except for my little brother who is on a scholarship for it, and makes the game exciting and worth while. (<----My mother made me type that. Hi Mom!)

Sex on the Job: No lie.

A police officer in Manchester has blamed his getting caught with his bobby up some lass's wickersham, on the influence of video games. They corrupted him, altered his mind, and made him impound the receptionist's cooter.

Several times.

Once, right after lunch.

How moronic is THIS guy? Not only did he get caught in slipping his nine pence to some chick, but then he tries to link VIDEO GAMES TO SEX?! Excuse me a moment.

AHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Sorry. I'm done.

No..no..this blaming is totally true. If you play video games, you'll be forced to have a lot of sex with chicks. Everyone knows this, which is why your average "pear shaped" gaming geek is always on the cover of People Magazine with the word "Sexiest" next to his head in big yellow letters.

Chicks dig a guy with a huge score. Seriously.

Terrorism: And lastly, this brings us to a statement made by a security analyst about the recent Mumbai terrorist attacks:

"This in a sense for them was an opportunity to demonstrate their conviction, courage, although it doesn't require a lot of courage to gun down unarmed people, but it becomes a kind of a real-life video game killing fantasy for the actual attackers themselves."

...

Wow.

...okay I have to refute this one because...

A) I have no frigging idea where Mumbai is. However, because it has a name like "Mumbai" I'm going to assume it is "over there" next to all of the "astans" of the world that I can't locate specifically on a map.

I'm also going to assume that it is a hot, sandy place where people wear dresses all day and have to step around large piles of camel spit because they wear open toed sandals and you don't want THAT wedged between your piggies.

That being said, it brings us to my second point of:

2) Do they even HAVE video games in Mumbai?! I mean most of those places are made out of sand and rocks! And even if you do have some rich guy who has a "Little Mule" and a cool escape plan for Joan Wylder, chances are that they don't have VIDEO GAMES because they're like against the collective religion or whatever.

You can't blame people blowing themselves up in the name of God, or wiping out those who disagree in a fiery blast on video games! THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT GAMERS BECAUSE GAMERS ARE NOT VIOLENT!

We're too fat and lazy to blow crap up, and quite frankly bombs look complicated, so why bother? Especially when you can flame them on some anonymous forum, or post pictures of them on the internet to shut them up.

Gamers have NOTHING to do with Terrorism.......unless those dress things are Moo-Moos. Because..then...

...yeah.

Totally us.

Our bad.

-Coyote