Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

Hey Coyote, I'm looking for a really good vampire movie. You're a necrophiliac zombie lover, what do you recommend."

...

Okay. I'm not a necrophiliac goddamnit.

I just love the undead.

Not in the way that would lead to the world's creepiest 6 o'clock news blurb EVER or restraining orders involving cemeteries, but more of a "conceptual" love. The idea that even in brain dead zombie, or blood sucking vampire form - life continues, even if it doesn't. I love ghosts, ghouls, vampires and zombies with unabashed adoration and draw both inspiration and entertainment from the very notion that such things are possible.

I also love bad movies.

So when the two are combined using any number of B-movie actors or a cast of Sci-Fi channel hopefuls, you are totally getting your chocolate all UP in my peanut butter's bizness.

Ya feel me?

...

....okay. I have no idea what the means, and I REALLY need to stop leaving the television on MTV when I nap on the couch.

The point is: the only thing greater for me than a horror movie about the undead, is a horror movie about the undead starring washed up actors who couldn't convincingly pretend to be warm if you set them ON FIRE. Not that I condone setting fallen celebrities on fire. As funny as it is, they're still people, and if you get someone with hair like Richard Grieco, he could burn for days. Still, I'm both honored and excited to bring you, the SONY Pictures straight-to-DVD release of "Against the Dark".

Set in the post apocalyptic future where vampires have taken over, eaten, or turned almost every last person in the world - a rag tag group of survivors hole up in an abandoned hospital and have to survive the night.

They are badly out numbered.

They have no hope...

...and only one chance:

...

....Steven Segal.

Because if we've learned anything about the blood sucking undead it's that they only fear three things:

Direct sunlight, holy water, and round house kicks to the face.

And who better to deliver those swift kicks of justice than a guy who constantly looks like he's staring INTO the direct sunlight that the vampires know and fear, Steven Segal. Staring as the Katana Master "Tao", an ex-military special ops commander with a heart of gold who can snap your neck before you can say "Dude, is there something in your eye? Why are you squinting?"

As geek movies go, Against the Dark is epic in its promised cheesiness - but you throw in Squinty Pete up there and you have a movie with the potential to form a supernova of ass puckering badness. I mean, let's look at the math. You have:

Steven Segal playing *EVERY* character that he has *EVER* played, all rolled up into a single persona who makes a face like he didn't quite hear what you said and wants clarification before he kicks you in the throat.

Add that to vampires in a post apocalyptic future where humanity is dying off, and multiply it by as many cheesy catch-phrases delivered in dead pan "I'm serious" monotones, and it equals a movie of such mind blowing badness that it actually goes SO far off of the suck meter, that it actually LOOPS AROUND to GOOD!

Okay...maybe not "good", but you see my point. This movie is going to suck so hard that it is going to be amazing.

...

.....

Right?

Guys? GUYS?

*sighs* Nobody gets me.

-Coyote