Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

For those comic book geeks among us the Marvel Zombies series is like a late night post-DnD gab session combined with a wet dream.

It takes two of the things that we know and love as the virginally damned, (Zombies and Comic Books) and mixes with such startling accuracy that I honestly believe that some of my conversations MAY have been taped.

I mean, we've ALL done it. Okay, not ALL of us - some of you never got into comic books because you were too busy doing things like "having jobs" or "growing into a responsible adult" or "actually kissing girls", but for the rest of us? I can't even begin to express how many hours of my life were spent discussing comic book characters as if they were not only real, but who would ultimately win if they had to duke it out.

"Superman. I mean c'mon, what can't he do?"

"How about avoid Kryptonite? I mean it seems to randomly light up like a glowstick at a rave, yet whenever he sees the glowing green rock, he just STANDS there looking sad."

"He isn't SAD you ass, he's just stunned that someone found a piece and knows his secret!"

"Dude. *I* found a piece, that crap is everywhere. And some secret. Oooh Clark Kent can't be Superman, Superman doesn't wear glasses. And who is hurt by a piece of their own planet? Superman SUCKS."

"No. You suck."

And then an impromptu (yet surprisingly feminine) wrestling match begins in which tables are rocked, Jolt Cola is spilled, and a back of pork rinds is squished to a gritty dust...that is still later consumed.

So when Arthur Suydam, the artist behind the covers of the Marvel Zombies series dropped THIS little ditty on the cover of Wizard Magazine...

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...the comic community WENT NUTS.

What *IF* they decide to do a DC Version of Zombies? How awesome would that be? How amazing would a transformation of the almost Cleaver-esque DC Heroes to hungry, relentless flesh eating zombie be? And more importantly...

How totally F***ED is Aquaman?

I mean lets face it - if DC goes the zombie route, I can easy (and conveniently for the sake of column generation) think of FIVE DC Characters that would be completely hosed. I'm talking no chance in the world, I don't care about the odds. Characters like:

Robin

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Let's just start with the most obvious shall we? The boy wonder would be devoured faster than a cupcake at fat camp, but with even more passion and wanting...by Batman.

Hell, Batman isn't even a zombie yet and he's almost bitten the young man's tight, firm buttocks more than once. If Bruce Wayne was turned, Robin would be a pile of brightly costumed bones in a matter of seconds - probably before Batman completed the transformation.

There's tension there.

The bubbles are pushing so hard on the side of that soda bottle that even one more tiny shake and that cap is coming off. If Bruce Wayne found out that he was about to become a zombie with no chance of a cure, Robin would be the star of one of the most erotic but horrifically graphic snuff films ever to be created. Which would serve him right, because you know that he's just a tease and probably spends his free time Jazzercising around the Batcave in his underpants.

Aquaman

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I know that it's funny, or trendy, or even "hip" to bag on Aquaman, but let's be honest - If the DC Universe turned into zombies...they'd be LINING UP for a big ol' plate of Fish 'n Chips. And as he was being devoured alive, he'd probably somewhere in the recesses of his waterlogged mind...be just a little grateful that he was being included in something.

Because you know he's lonely.

"But he could swim away and stuff, and hide at the bottom of the ocean!"

Sure, he could. But he wouldn't.

He's so isolated and alone because he sucks, that the first zombie to call him in order to "trick" him into being eaten, would have him show up (probably pre-seasoned) to answer the call, regardless of how obvious a trap it was.

"Aaaaquaman. Weee neeed you...at the..hall of..*thud* Juthtith..."

"What was that thud? And Juthtith?"

"My bottom jaw juth fell offff..."

"... ... ... You need me to pick up anything from the store? Oh! I can bring Uno! We can play Uno!"

" ... ... ... nevermind. I'll find Haaawkman..."

Then there would be an odd silence and a click and Aquaman would cry himself to sleep, his salty tears of solitude raising the level of the ocean, just a little.

Gleek

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Okay, technically he's just a stupid alien monkey thing, but he is so god damn annoying that the zombied Super Friends would probably burst into the room, ignore the startled Zan and Jayna (as they quickly separate and smooth out their passion wrinkled clothing, and awkwardly act like they were talking about something that neither know the topic of) and grab his little ape ass by his blue garden hose of a tail.

They'd rip into him, stripping him of his flesh in as he screams in primal agony amidst a sea of blood and gore until everyone paused suddenly and looked at the Twins in realization.

"We..were...were you two jusssst making ouuuut?"

"Wh..What? N-no! NO! You are GROSS! Shut up and finish your monkey!"

Then they'd storm out in indignant rage before totally doing it in a utility closet somewhere.

Samurai

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...hehe...but they'd be hungry again an hour later.

Hehehe.

Wonder Woman

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Now I know what you are thinking:

"What? Wonder Woman is a near-goddess. She's fast, strong and could kick the hell out of a LOT of other DC Heroes! Why is SHE on this list???"

Because she's hot.

Zombie or not - if you have the choice of snacking down on a crying wet guy who is begging to be bit just so that he can fit in - or a HOT chick, who is reaaaally into being tied up and dresses like the lunch shift at "The Shakin' Bacon", it's a no brainer.

I mean where do zombies bite? Anywhere that is exposed and easily accessible, soft, and fleshy...right?

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And knowing her past? She's PROBABLY be at least a little bit into it, which just makes it all the hotter. If you can get Aquaman to leave that is. I'm pretty sure that he'd be killing the mood with his tears and loneliness.

Not even zombies can make EVERYTHING cool.

-Coyote