Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

The holidays are upon us, and every year I hear the same exact thing:

"Sir, we're going to ask you ONE more time to get off of Santa's lap. There are other children in line, and his face is starting to turn kind of blue..."

I can't help it. I'm a huge kid and if talking to a fat guy has even the smallest chance of getting me phat lewt, then count me in.

However, during this time of the year I also hear, constantly:

"I have no idea what to buy you."

Geeks are hard to shop for. We're huge children with odd tastes that non-geeks don't understand, and if we want a cool toy or game, we tend to find someway to get it before any convenient holiday rolls around. So in saying that, and recognizing that I am one of many, I thought I'd give you shoppers out there some ideas of what every geek TRULY wants. So selflessly I bring you:

"Reaching into Santa Coyote's Bulging Sack for Ten Awesome Geek Toys"

Hand Painted Soul Caliber 4 Action Figure

Geeks like action figures. It's a rule.

So chances are your geek would LOVE an action figure based on a popular video game, right? Even if he's never played or heard of Soul Caliber 4, the new "Taki" action figure will be something that pops out and grabs his attention. Like high beams on an on coming car, you can't possibly miss the attention to detail that they've put into this high quality collector's item.

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....

.....hehehehe.

This is really the official figure, for the game. Not some weird adult figure, or some kind of sex doll, but the real, actual figure.

And what a figure it is.

I wonder if it's really cold in the world of Soul Caliber. Nippy even.

Hehe..

BOY-YOY-YOY-YOING!

Hehe...

Toologic Firesteel Knife

What's more manly than a knife?

How about a knife that can set you on F***ING FIRE?!? BEHOLD! The FIRESTEEL KNIFE!

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Capable of producing a spark close to 3,000 degrees Celsius, even in DAMP conditions, the firesteel knife is a MUST for that geek on your list.

Not that we'd ever use it as intended. I mean, c'mon. We're geeks.

No, the firesteel knife will never be used in wilderness survival or to help save our lives. Hell, we would probably never really EVER use it. But to just have in you possession a knife that you can use to both stab AND burn stuff?

It's like it has been spit right out of our genetic code. Because the only thing in this world cooler than stabbing someone, is setting them on fire when you do it.

Rare Earth Magnets

"Magnets? Really? Geeks want magnets? Why?"

Okay, these aren't the puppies you use to hang lame ass spelling tests on the refrigerator with. These are HIGH POWERED magnets, and when I say HIGH POWERED all in caps, what I really mean is:

"If you put them on the fridge, they'll suck that cold can of tuna through the door, and probably through anyone who is standing in front of it. Death by half eaten tuna."

So why do we need them?

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We don't. Duh. But think of the MAYHEM these things could cause. With over 1,000 pounds of pressure available in some models, you could stick them to just about anything, and never EVER have them come loose. Magnets like these are dangerous, can cause serious damage, and should NEVER be handled without a responsible adult around...

...which makes them PERFECT for those of us who only play with crap like this when responsible adults are busy in the other room and not watching us.

If you fed them to your cat and the put one on the ceiling? I bet it would hover. And as much as guys hate cats, there is nothing cooler than a HOVER CAT.

Remote Control Zombie

This one is a no brainer. (HA!)

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It's a slow moving, groaning, remote control zombie that does your evil and diabolical bidding...

...provided your "evil and diabolical bidding" involves a tiny little mechanical toy that will topple over if it hits a lump in the carpet.

Still...it's a remote control zombie, which is cool on its own.

A Video Watch

"Okay, why would I want a big, tacky, 8gig computer screen on my wrist? What purpose could that serve?"

Every geek wants a communicator watch like Dick Tracey had.

It's a fact.

Sure it is overly noticeable and really inconvenient if you're holding your junk and takin' a leak when your mom calls you on it - but come on - VIDEO WATCH!

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...okay. It doesn't do phone calls, but you could totally download a video to it that looks like it does. Think of how cool that would be! Think of all the chicks that you could impress with your...cool...video...wa..

...

....

...I don't care. I still want one.

Rubber band MACHINE GUN

EVERYONE at work has that one guy who has to flick a rubber band at you EVERYTIME he walks by. You played back at first, but he always sneaks up on you because you actually have WORK to do, and the moment you let down your guard..

THWACK!

You're pegged with a god damn rubber band.

Well..there is only one thing you can do in this situation.

...kill them. Kill them all.

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A 12 barrel, rotating, 144 shot rubber band MACHINE GUN.

Seh hullo tuh mah leedle fren!

Soon that annoying guy will be known as "Roger the walking welt", people will give your cubicle a wide berth, and you'll save time and effort as you're left alone to do IMPORTANT things at work, like read this column.

Shocking Doorbell

Hate people?

Me too.

You know why? Because people suck.

They're always just AROUND and getting in your way and asking you to interact with them, and it's annoying. So what do you do when the world refuses to get off of your lawn, despite the fact that you have a whole closet full of kept Frisbees that kept pinging off of your windows?

Get a doorbell that shocks the piss out of them.

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After the first few nosey neighbors who come over and bug you by inviting you to a lame ass candle party, or by trying to be "friends" drop to the ground in agony because they rang your doorbell, the rest of the herd will wise up and leave you alone.

A must have for Halloween. Paired with a "ring bell EXTRA HARD for lots of candy" sign, this baby could provide you endless fun until the police arrive.

Hot Sauce (( http://www.pyrodiablo.com/ ))

Guys like hot sauce.

And if we don't? We like to put hot sauce on OTHER people's food when they're not looking. Because the only thing better than enjoying really hot Hot Sauce is forcing someone else to do it.

And the hotter, the better.

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This stuff is insane. It is one THOUSAND times hotter than your standard habanero pepper. The bottle is made from asbestos, and no one who has eaten it has ever regrown their eyebrows.

The prank potential is endless.

Roomba

Okay, so technically it's a vacuum, and as we all know vacuums are only given to women, on special occasions like Valentine's Day, or when like their mother dies in order to cheer them up.

It's a chick thing.

The Roomba however is not.

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The Roomba is a robot, that you can program by using your computer, to clean your floors, sweep up dirt...

...or drive your frigging cat absolutely *INSANE*.

The potential for animal torture is so mind numbingly awesome that it instantly negates the fact that you are playing with a vacuum, and doing "chores" that women are genetically programmed to remind us that they did while we were playing video games with our friends.

The ability to torture and torment cats will turn any lame gift into a must have present.

Which brings us, lastly to...

Porn

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Need I say more? Man or woman - geeks are some horny, sexually deviant, porn surfing freaks.

And the more someone denies or protests their viewing of said porn, the more creepy their particular fetish is. So why beat around the bush (HA!) with some lame gift that they might not enjoy, when you can give them something that EVERYONE knows and loves.

Really hot midget sex.

Because if that isn't what the holidays are about, I don't WANT to know.

-Coyote