Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

I recently had the opportunity to play Midway's new fighting game:
Mortal Kombat Vs. DC

And man was I surprised.

Not at the fact that the heroes didn't get "Fatalities" or that people like Superman didn't technically KILL anyone; DC comics put that stipulation in.

The heroes are always reluctant to kill, so giving them Fatalities wouldn't make any sense. Instead, they were given "Heroic Brutalities" that were...well...ACTUALLY WORSE than the normal Fatalities because the people LIVED.

Below is a listing of each Heroic Brutality, and HUGE SPOILERS to the game. So if you want to be surprised, stop reading now. If not, keep reading and you'll see exactly why DEATH would be better than living through these show casings of power.

Superman

The Heroic Brutality: The Freeze Slam Stomp.

Superman freezes you with his super cold Kryptonian breath, flies you up into the sky and drops you, shattering the ice. Then, as you lay there gasping for air, he jumps down onto your chest in a Super Stomp.

Why frigging DEATH would be better: Let's see... He freezes you with his "right after lunch, extra onions" Kryptonian breath in what can only be imagined as the world's stinkiest ice. The frostbite alone is probably enough to cost you a couple of toes...

But he's not done. Oh no.

He still has to fly you INTO THE SKY and drop you, probably hoping that you'll shatter like that stupid racket ball experiment that we all did with liquid nitrogen in Mrs. Macky's 7th grade science class.

When you don't? He gets all pissed off and SUPER STOMPS ON YOUR CHEST. He's GOD DAMN SUPERMAN. The fact that you LIVED means that he just collapsed your lungs on PURPOSE. Now because you pissed him off, you have to breath through a giant machine that makes you look like the human mechanical twinkie for the rest of your life.

Some hero.

[img_assist|nid=51456|title=|desc=|link=none|align=none|width=267|height=218]

The Heroic Brutality: The Super Hammer.

Hand over hand he pounds you into the ground like a railroad spike, before sinking you to your neck with a double fisted punch.

Why frigging DEATH would be better: Gee...I'm no physics major, but I'm guessing the strength needed to turn someone into a human NAIL by pounding them in the head would turn their brains into Jello.

Sure, you live - I mean, hey - Superman wouldn't KILL you. He'll turn you into a vegetable that drools constantly and for some reason spontaneously craps itself at 2:15 every day, further burdening the social worker that has to support your non-responsive ass.
But hey, you're alive.

Shazam

The Heroic Brutality: Being a total DICK.

He uses his super strength to uppercut you into the sky, and then hits you with lightning mid-air, slamming you to the ground. As you lay there twitching, he decides to jump up into a super stomp that crunches you through the concrete so that just your arms and legs are sticking out of a mini "you-crater" for comic effect.

Why frigging DEATH would be better: JESUS-F***ING-CHRIST!!!!

Okay. I know that Shazam is PISSED OFF about being the lesser known Superman rip off, but dude: find a more constructive outlet for your rage. The uppercut alone would be enough to be considered "Heroically Brutal". You just lifted someone 15 feet in the air by punching them in the face.

Their day is bad ENOUGH.

But then mid-flight you have to call down the lightning to slam them to the concrete? And THEN, while they're all dazed and wondering why they smell burning hair, you CHEST STOMP THEM INTO THE GROUND?!? Arms and legs twitching out of a hole isn't "humorous". It's "Billy the human beanbag chair has to poo in a bag the rest of his life because his organs were turned into jelly".

Shooting someone in the god damn FACE is like getting a kiss on the cheek and a candy cane after this.

Shazam needs therapy. STAT.

The Heroic Brutality: Planting Daisies...

Shazam picks you up and slams you face first into the ground, imbedding your head and shoulders so that just your mid section and legs are showing, again for comic effect.

Why frigging DEATH would be better: ...

...

Yay! More vegetative comas for EVERYBODY!

Haha! Imagine the look on the paramedic's face when he comes to pick up THIS guy, only to find him planted ass up in the ground! I bet he throws up for a month! AHAHA!

...

Seriously, Shazam is a dick.

[img_assist|nid=51454|title=|desc=|link=none|align=none|width=294|height=309]

Batman

The Heroic Brutality: Covered in bats.

He lobes a special Bat-A-Rang into your chest that attracts hundreds of thousands of bats that cover you as you go fetal in fear.

Why frigging DEATH would be better: One word.

Rabies.

I know that Batman is all dark and gothic and full of mystery, but covering someone in bats just seems plain MEAN. Bats are disgusting creatures that are full of lice and ticks and rabies, and covering someone in them after hucking a metal edged boomerang into their chest is borderline psychotic.

But then again, compared to what Shazam would have done, this is like getting a warm hug and a playful tickle.

I bet they're only going fetal in thanks.

The Heroic Brutality: The Grapple Slam

Using the Bat-Grapple, he pulls you high into the sky before performing a body slam from 30 feet in the air onto concrete that leaves you writing in agony.

Why frigging DEATH would be better: ...
...
Because dying means that you never have to hear your testicles pop.

Simple math will tell you that 200 pounds of guy dressed in rubber suit on top of you, falling 30 feet on the ground means that if you ever DO manage to have children, that they're going to be born with severe learning disabilities, and bruises.

Wonder Woman

The Heroic Brutality: The Lasso Drill

Using her infamous Magic Lasso, Wonder Woman spins you like a top until you drill yourself into the ground up to your chest.

Why frigging DEATH would be better: Because flesh and bone don't make a very good drill bit.

Think about it.

She's screwing you into stone by spinning you really fast, right?

Wrong.

She just ground away the lower half of your body, and when they pull it out of the hole, they're going to have to use a ladle because quite literally, your ass is soup. Sure, you live, but Mister Happy is now a smear on a really cool looking piece of quartz that some asshole detective uses as a paperweight on his desk downtown.

Wonder Woman totally hates the package.

Hates it.

[img_assist|nid=51453|title=|desc=|link=none|align=none|width=207|height=325]

The Heroic Brutality: Out-dicking Shazam

Wrapping you in the Magic Lasso, Wonder Woman leaps into the air and swings you around like every kid in the world misusing a Yo-Yo before slamming you head first into the ground.
Why frigging DEATH would be better: Because in death, you don't have to look in the mirror every morning only to be greeted by Sloth from the Goonies.

[img_assist|nid=51455|title=|desc=|link=none|align=none|width=200|height=224]

Wonder Woman hates men. And if you ever want to stop a guy from getting laid again, you turn him into the poster boy for paper sack wear.

She could have tossed him into the air, or threw him into the distance, or broken every bone in his body and left him in a body cast - but no, she goes right for the face. And then after that, she probably steals his girl friend and takes her to a club with a name like "The Butch Beaver".

Flash

The Heroic Brutality: Beating the living shit out of you.

The Flash uses his super speed to punch you in the head 100 times in every direction before tossing you to the ground and doing his own high-speed version of "River Dance" on you chest.

Why frigging DEATH would be better: Because in death, no one ever calls you "Billy the Human Bruise".

Force is speed, speed is force. The faster something is moving when it hits you, the harder it hurts. The flash knows this, and rather than slapping you around a bit and high speeding your ass to the cops, he beats you like an Arkansas house wife and then Riverdances on your chest.

In a month, when you can move again and your brain is finally starting to fire correctly?
You'll swing back.

And then the Flash will just laugh.

The Heroic Brutality: The Tornado Slam

Running around you in super speed, he forms a mini-tornado that launches you in the air - and sets him up for a sonic-speed double axe handle punch to your chest that slams you into the ground.

Why frigging DEATH would be better: Okay. It wouldn't.

I gotta admit, even with the Riverdancing and the ass beating, the Flash is probably the most merciful of all of these "Heroes". A spinning ass-whupping is nicer than anything that you'll get from anybody else, and more than likely he'd buy you a beer afterward.
Unless Shazam sees you. Then? Then you're f***ing DEAD.

Green Lantern

The Heroic Brutality: Stop, Hammer Time.

[img_assist|nid=51452|title=|desc=|link=none|align=none|width=175|height=344]

Using his magic ring, the Green Lantern conjures two giant hammers that swing down and crush you between them.

Why frigging DEATH would be better: Haha! Two giant cartoon hammers crush you between them! Oh that crazy Green Lantern and his forgetting that anything that he creates with his ring is basically REAL.

So your internal bleeding and ruptured spleen means that your poop will have blood in it for the rest of your life, and every time that you wipe the TP will look like a hanky at a slaughterhouse, but haha! Giant Hammers!

Oh those zany heroes!

The Heroic Brutality: Taking out the trash.

Trapping you in a green bubble the Green Lantern quickly collapses it into the size of a basketball, with you inside.

Why frigging DEATH would be better: ...

...

There is NO way in HELL that he doesn't realize that he just broke every bone in your body. You can make argument that the other Heroes forget their own strength, or get caught up in the heat of passion - but the Green Lantern?

He has to FOCUS and THINK in order to use his ring.

He did that on PURPOSE.

....

.....probably because Shazam made him.

Midway would have been better off giving them all fatalities. At least it would have been more humane.

-Coyote