Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

Let's play a quick game of question / answer, shall we?

The Question: "Why did I find your cell phone in a box, under a blanket, in the bottom of the closet behind all of my shoes and that copy of the bible you swiped from the Red Roof Inn?

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The Answer: Silent Hill is now playable on your iPhone, and cell phones everywhere.

That’s right. Silent Hill, the horror game that is responsible for EPIC electric bills because I had to sleep with all of the lights in the house on, for over a MONTH, is being ported to cell phones for a little "downtime play".

Ya know, I can't help but to think:

WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!

JESUS Pop-and-Locking CHRIST people! Silent Hill is a frigging CREEPY game! Why the frell would you want it on your cell phone?! And no, I don't mean creepy in that whole "Doom 3 crap that pops out at you every 7 seconds in an attempt to make you forcefully release your bowels into your computer chair" kind of way. I mean creepy, like that wide eyed stare you catch people doing when something from the insect world is crawling on your shoulder just out of your range of vision - but they don't want alert you to the fact that you're about to either be bitten or have eggs laid in you face.

They just kind of look at your shoulder...

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...and then flicker back to your eyes, catching them briefly in a mixed glance of both horror and remorse, as if they're thinking about what they're going to be saying at your funeral but inwardly hoping that it is closed coffin just in case the eggs weren't removed from your neck.

THAT is how I feel about Silent Hill. (See also the games: F.E.A.R., Resident Evil, and Monopoly Tycoon. Although the last is for completely unrelated reasons.)

And NOW you're bringing it to my cell phone?

It's not bad enough that I suffer heavily from Phantom Vibration Syndrome in which I can feel my cell phone ringing in my pocket, even when it isn't *in* my pocket? (This is real.) It's not bad enough that I can hear it ringing every time I start to relax even though no one is calling it, like my mother's voice whenever I listen to the stereo too loud? *NOW* I have to worry about what effect this game is going to have on my cell phone, and consequentially what effect THAT effect is going to have on me?

Gee thanks. If you need me, I'll be over there crying and pissing my bed.

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What's to save me from the game when it gets loose and starts calling me late at night, the game slowly infecting all of the phones in the world like a bad Sci-Fi movie virus?

"But Coyote, this is REALITY. That kind of thing doesn't REALLY happen. It's impossible!"

...

...do you know who says that?

The first dude to be killed by a possessed cell phone ghost demon thing, RIGHT before his blue tooth headset makes his head explode, or the microwaves from the hotline to the supernatural makes all of his hair fall out in brain-baking clumps.

That's who.

Look, I know that this sort of thing doesn't *really* happen. I know that Silent Hill is just a game, it can't really become sentient and "get" me, and that I have nothing to fear from a cell phone getting yet another game added to its library. I KNOW that this could not happen.

But that doesn't mean that IT COULD NOT HAPPEN!

I know that sharks don't live in my bathtub, but after seeing Jaws when I was 8, I was known as the "stinky kid" for over two years. I know machete wielding serial killers don't stalk around in my backyard, but after seeing Friday the 13th when I was a kid, I didn't take out the trash at night without mastering the art of the garbage bag shot-put like a master Olympian.

But it still didn't stop me from being the world's biggest weenie.

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Something things just don't belong on your cell phone. Like Clay Aiken ring tones and background pictures of hardcore porn, (Seriously guys, what are you thinking?) Silent Hill should stay in the privacy and safety of your own home. Not just for the sake of my paranoid delusions about sentient supernatural digital media, but for your safety as well.

Because I promise you:

The first time that you REALLY get into the game, the first time you TRULY immerse yourself in the world of Silent Hill and get lost in the storyline and mood...

...and your phone rings?

You are going to drop a few pounds worth of boxer dumplings.

In public.

And you're going to have no one to blame but yourself.

-Coyote