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"Dear Coyote, I hate to be the one who tells you this but zombies aren't real. Going back through your columns I began to notice a theme and suspect heavily that you really believe in them. Not just for humor sake or jokingly but that you really believe on some level that zombies are either possible or somehow real. The truth is that even if the dead were reanimated they wouldn't be able to move because no blood or oxygen is being delivered to their muscles. If the muscles can't move neither can the dead body. You can put away your shotgun and rest easy tonight. No zombies are going to get you, I promise.

Daemon"

...

....

"Dear Daemon,

I'll save a round for you, and I'll take no joy in using it as you shamble towards me in insatiable hunger. I won't be thinking how right I am, how wrong you were, or even asking myself why you are dressed in bondage gear and one of those shiny caps that the gay biker from the village people wears.

I'll simply put you down, calmly rechamber a round and wait for the noggin' of my next target to come into range..

You're not part of the solution; you're part of the problem.

Hope that you're devoured quickly without too much pain before reanimating,

Coyote"

....

......

People always feel the need to remind me that zombies aren't real. That the human body cannot come back to life like the Frankenstein Monster, that it is impossible for dead flesh to move on its own, and that my constant vigilance in preparing for the inevitable infestation is a waste of both time and money.

And these are going to be the first f***ers bitten.

Mark my words.

These are going to be the doctors, scientists and know-it-alls among us who try to reason with the angry dead, who try to "cure" them, and who try non-lethal ways of taking them out in hopes of somehow saving them.

Cries of "That's my daughter" or "Wait, no, it's just a head cold" are going to ring out, and instead of saving even one person they're just going to ensure that the next wave of Zeke are going to be dressed in hospital staff uniforms.

OF COURSE ZOMBIES ARE REAL!! Do you think that the Sci-Fi channel would lie to us? Do you think that Richard Grieco would lie to us?!

To every lie, to every story there is ALWAYS a grain of truth - and in the case of zombies, where there are a million movies, games, stories, and books on the market, that means that those grains are piling up.

And I'm ready for them.

"But Coyote, there is no real report of anything like this on earth. No viruses, no reanimation, no anything! Zombie viruses just don't fall from space!"

...

....really?

"Scores ill in Peru 'meteor crash' http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7001897.stm)

Hundreds of people in Peru have needed treatment after an object from space - said to be a meteorite - plummeted to Earth in a remote area, officials say. They say the object left a deep crater after crashing down over the weekend near the town of Carancas in the Andes.
People who visited the scene have been complaining of headaches, vomiting and nausea after inhaling gases. "

Do you remember reading about this a couple of years ago?

Me either.

Kind of suspicious don't you think? I mean President Bush gets a sneaker lobbed at his noggin' and it's on every news channel in the world for hours on end - yet a METEOR HITS THE EARTH, makes people SICK, and threatens an entire town in the Andes...

....and you hear nothing of it?

Oh, who's being naive Kay?

Meteorites might hit all the time, but the kind that cause instant stage one zombie symptoms?

I'm guessing that THOSE are just a little bit more rare.

We all know that the zombie virus isn't magical, and that it is a form of contagion, like a virus or parasite - but what we DON'T know is its true origins. Think about it - gold is on earth, not naturally, but from the forming when we were nailed by meteors. Same with platinum and people who go to Toby Keith concerts. These things are considered "natural" to this planet, but in reality are very "alien" in origin.

Why can't the zombie plague be the same thing? Bacteria from space, an intergalactic head cold?

Just because YOU have never seen a zombie doesn't mean that they aren't real, aren't going to strike, and that you shouldn't prepare. I have never personally seen the boogeyman but I don't sleep with my hand over the side of my bed in obvious tempting of fate because some things...

...you just know.

So thank you dear reader for trying to ease my thoughts and assure my safety. I thank you for your opinion, your time and your care.

And someday maybe you'll thank me - when I put your soul to rest with a silenced round to the forehead.

Then we'll be even.

-Coyote