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Ahhh the Holiday Season...

As we wind down our time here at Not Funny...Ever, we stumble inevitably upon the winter months, and that wonderful - some would say "magical" holiday season.

A time for joy...

A time for love...

A time for peace, harmony, and most importantly of all...

...

...a time to laugh at the expense of others. (Which is fortunate for me, because I'm *really* good at it.)

During these last few days before whatever winter holiday it is that you celebrate, I enjoy nothing more than going to the mall - not because I need to shop mind you. No no, I finished my shopping ages ago through the magic I like to call "Online Shopping". No malls, no fighting for parking spaces, and best yet, no people.

As we all know, people suck.

But shopping online kicks major ass! It allows you the most choices, the most availability, and unlike the mall, you can do it in your underpants while looking at porn and no one will scream and press charges. So why would I go to the mall, during the holiday season if I'm not shopping?

Because there is nothing more heartwarming and touching than watching parents partake in the time honored tradition of "scar my children for life by putting them on a mall Santa's lap" which has been around since the invention of the camera way back in 1776. (Okay, admittedly this may not be the correct date, but I know that 1776 is important for SOME reason, which may or may not be the invention of the camera. Shut up, you don't know either.)

As free entertainment goes, you've just hit the jackpot. It all boils down to one simple truth about the holidays that parents tend to forget. One special meaning of Christmas, and the most joyous time on earth that no one remembers:

Kids are f***ing TERRIFIED of Santa.

And that terror is FRIGGING HILARIOUS. Now as always, I know what you're thinking:

"But Coyote, Santa brings children presents and love and cookies and has something vaguely to do with Jesus, but we don't know what because we only go to church on Christmas. Which is weird because when we do, they don't talk about Santa OR presents. Instead they just go on about some guy named Ezekiel and his dead wife. Still, we think that kids LOVE Santa."

Wow.

You guys ramble more than I do, but I digress FOR you. After all, it is 'tis the season for giving.

No. Kids love the *NOTION* of Santa Claus. They love the gifts and the cartoons and the idea that a complete stranger is going to give them video games and candy - because that is what ALL kids hope for. Meeting old people is boring. Meeting old people who give you presents and candy, not-so-much.

So kids fall in love with the concept of Santa.

They write little letters and draw pictures and leave out milk and cookies. They make false promises to behave, and clean their rooms, and they swear up and down that they will be virtual angels if Santa brings them their presents. But when they're actually confronted by the Kringlenator?

They freak RIGHT the f*** out.

And why wouldn't they? Santa is frigging scary. Plus, is it me, or does he seem to enjoy it?

Here you have your parents giving you away to some old fat white guy in white gloves who smells strongly of cheap vodka. The leg of his red satin pants looks like the bathroom floor of a discount strip club due to the approximately 900 THOUSAND pissy kids who have been plunked down on his knee, and when the parents turn their back to move behind the camera he pulls his beard away from his face and tells you that he's really the boogeyman.

Santa is messed up like that.

And yes, I know - that's not the REAL Santa, (Although the guy they have on Tuesdays just very well might be, so ya know. Skip that night if you're going out to laugh at screaming kids.) because Santa can do better than a $7.65 an hour seasonal mall job. I'm saying the GUY in the Santa suit is messed up. Think about it.

He spends all year trying to look like Santa, just to cash in on that pissy kid treasure trove. You don't know the guy, you've never seen him before, and unless you're there on Tuesday Night for the REAL Santa, (I am telling you, *I* almost sat on his lap.) he could be a serial killer and you'd still plunk down your moist and delicious child.

Which just adds to the comedy.

People are afraid of abductors and molesters and psychos. They drive by stranded motorists because "it could be a scam", the act like they don't see the hitch hiker begging for a ride, and fastidiously look at their watch when a homeless man asks them for change because they're afraid the moment they reach in their pocket for a quarter, he's going to go insane and bludgeon them to death with his imaginary friend...

...but put ANYONE in a Santa suit and people will all but trip over each other to thrust their kid your way.

If you ever wanted a free baby? Get a Santa Suit. Seriously. You'll have so many that you'll have to stack them like cordwood in the corner...

...

....which is probably what you plan to do with them anyway, since you're trying to get a free baby. But I'm not here to judge.

I'm here to drive home the fact that Santa makes children cry.

And that you should probably put an end to this tradition because it never ends well.

Santa ends up drinking harder in hopes of drowning out the tortured screams of children that haunt his sleep, guys like me piss themselves with laughter in the background as your child does that "red faced scream/cry of horror in which no sound comes out, but Santa's leg gets a LOT wetter", and you have to shell out 30 bucks plus tax for your cherished memory taped to a stale candy cane. Or else you’re just giving ME a free present, and no one wants that.

Ahhh...the joy of the holidays.

This will be a good week.

-Coyote