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I had an epiphany.

Which is ironic given the holiday season (ha), but I had one none-the-less. I was playing video games and enjoying an ice cold Pepsi max and contemplating writing when the power went out. One moment I'm fragging and maiming and losing myself in a world of electronic joy...

...the next it's the Dark Ages and I'm still in mental denial as I clack pathetically at the keyboard and hope somewhere in the recesses of my mind that I went blind.

Because ANYTHING is better than the power going out.

We live in a world ruled by the internet and online gaming. Porn and music and movies, and even (rarely) information at our fingertips every hour of every day. We have the universe at our beck and call, and yet the moment that the harnessed powers of electricity cease to flow through the magical wires that connect our lives...

...

...I become a USELESS individual.

Now, I don't mean that I can't cope in the short run, or that everything breaks down in my household in a matter of seconds and turns into a pastier and less coordinated version of "Lord of the Flies". If I KNOW the power is coming back on, we just sit and wait patiently as we suckle at the dry teat of the electric company, occasionally flickering the light switch in vain and then sighing in frustration.

That's when it hit me.

I *am* a completely useless individual. I have been programmed for a life of convenience and comfort. I'm a computer technician, an online humorist and a man who relies completely and totally on electricity and all things powered by it in order to live his life. And if that power doesn't come back on?

I'm going to be the first one eaten.

If an EMP were to hit the world, rendering all technology defunct, if we were to suddenly be plunged back into the stone age, I, Coyote, have absolutely NO skills to offer the world. Which makes me expendable, and in cases in which we have to decide which of us becomes brunch in order for the others to survive? It makes me tasty.

....and I'm not exactly GOOD with that.

Now you might be thinking that I'm being too hard on myself, or that I can be retrained or somehow turn my life around. That I can learn to adapt and pull myself out of the pit of uselessness my reliance on technology has cast me into.

"Look at Britney Spears! She did it! She's pulled herself up from the brink and you can too! She's an inspiration!"

Oh yeah, because THAT warp core breech is suddenly contained and happy.

Sorry. I'm not buying it. When your train peaks at 16 and derails every few feet after that? I'm not suddenly cheering because it's been sent wobbling down a fresh set of tracks. When people buying the "classy lady" T-shirts at Wal-Mart from the four dollar bin are rolling their eyes and calling you white trash?

You've got issues.

But as always, I digress.

I'm 34 years old, and I know that I can't be retrained. I've lived a life of comic books and video games and easily accessible porn. I know computers inside and out, and can fix just about any problem you throw at me. As long as that problem is computer or technology related.

You throw a bear at me? I'm back to being a snack.

I mean, what do I know about BEARS? Am I supposed to know its vulnerable spots, or how to quickly fashion a wooden weapon in order to drive it off? Not to mention that everything that I *thought* I knew about bears was destroyed by the movie "Killer Grizzly" when I was 9.

If the bear can't connect his iPod to iTunes? I'm in charge of the situation. If the bear wants to go one-on-one in a game of Call of Duty? I will f***ing OWN him. If the bear wants to battle in a match of wits, slams, insults, and poop jokes? I am Coyote, Destroyer of bears...

But if the bear wants to eat me and my family?

I'm pretty much boned.

So as I sit here in the dark using an actual piece of PAPER and PEN to jot this down, by I kid you not - CANDLE LIGHT - I pray for the power to come back on in time for me to say a quick prayer of thanks to my heathen gods and to write this up in time for you all to read it.

I have a role in this world, and while it may be in the eyes of some, a meager one - I still have a role. I help with the creature comforts, I provide (I try anyway) a little lightness in the day and help to pass the time. I know my role, I appreciate my role and above all else, I know with ever fiber of my being...

....that it keeps me from being devoured by you psychotic bastards.

At least until the power goes out.

-Coyote