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Left 4 Dead is only named "Left 4 Dead" because "Screw Your Friends As You Run Screaming And Closing Doors Behind You Like A Sissy Girl" wouldn't fit neatly onto a game box cover.

But already, I'm getting ahead of myself.

As most of you are aware - I love zombies.

Comics, books, movies (no matter HOW bad), it doesn't matter what the medium is; if it involves the walking dead, I'm interested.

Left 4 Dead on PC was no different, and when the premise of the game was revealed to be a group effort zombie survival shooter, I all but wet myself in anticipation of screwing over my friends in order to be the last one alive. But what I found was much more than simple survival in a fast paced shooter. Instead I found a game that poses important questions and reveals the truth about the real, inner you. It sheds light, it reveals your human nature, and above all else, it asks a single question that envelopes and draws you further into game play:

Namely, how much risk, and how many bullets are your friends worth to you.

Now don't get me wrong - except for in the name of humor, I am no coward. In a real life catastrophe, you want me in your corner. I am sharp, I am quick, I work well under pressure, and I will put my own life at risk without thought in order to help a complete stranger.

But in a zombie game?

Things change.

If your buddy is being pulled off into the woods by a Smoker, your reaction is instant. There is no hesitation or even real consideration of the danger as you heroically leap towards him while blindly firing at what you HOPE is above his head. (I have insanely high "friendly fire" incidents logged against me. Seriously, I've been known to cause more damage than the actual zombie attack.) The team work is there, you're losing a valuable part of your crew, and you will do your best to save him.

There IS no thought, only action.

But cover that same buddy in zombies, a Hunter, and a car chucking Tank as the escape vessel arrives?

Time actually slows down as your brain spins with calculations and moral weights.

Sure, you MIGHT be able to help him, but the boat is RIGHT THERE. You're practically on it, and hey, you're low on ammo right? You're tired and scared, freedom is only a few feet away, and didn't that son of a bitch grab the last health pack when you were hurt?

Meh. He'll get a lovely "In Memory Of" dedication in the credits.

Which is HILARIOUS, especially if it happens to the same guy (who is not you) more than once during a night. Because the first time is a tragic loss of life.

The second is the beginnings of a pattern.

Still, the team effort of this game is not only strongly hinted at, it is a necessity. You cannot go this alone - there are too many situations that need cooperation and teamwork. Monsters can knock you down, incapacitate you, and leave you stranded in such a way that only a friend can help. There is safety in numbers, and above all else...

...other people mean that someone else might be the target instead of you.

Not a "true" zombie game, as the mobs are anything but slow and stupid, Left 4 Dead is still a blast as it pulls undead from ever genre you can think of. In total, there are seven different types of zombie to watch out for:

The Normal Zombie - Yup, a zombie game actually has regular ol' zombies, go fig.

These are your run-of-the-mill shufflers. They're slow, they're stupid, and unless you bring notice to yourself - they'll just standing there swaying like a stoner at a rave and leave you alone. Sure, they'll turn and shamble towards you if you hit them with your flashlight, or put a round in their ass, but other than that...

They're content to leave you alone.

Your normal zombie is almost a welcomed sight when you round a corner, because you know that you have the luxury of reloading before you pop them in the head.

Threat Level: Minimal. Hell, they're almost CUTE.

Zombie (Fast) - These are still zombies, but now they have that whole 28 Days Later "Infected" thing going on.

Meaning they run.

They run FAST.

They'll tear ass around a corner in a blink of the eye, and they're usually followed by about four THOUSAND of their close and personal friends. Which leads to you calling a "time out" to change your shorts several times per game.

They have the same weaknesses and durability as a normal zombie, (Headshot baby) but unlike your brain dead shambler, these things are PISSED. They'll climb fences, walls, vehicles and run through fire in order to beat the living shit out of you. And since they run in packs, a horde of them barreling down a hallway at you is enough to make you scream like a girl and slam the door shut on all of your friends in order to buy you a couple of seconds to regain your composure.

Not that I would do that.

Threat Level: Elevated. These things are fast and can sneak up behind you without you knowing it, so that when you turn around to check on your team mates, they are right there filling your entire screen with zombie kissy faces. Pants have never been soiled so quickly.

Still, they're regular ol' zombies, just faster so - bullet to the brainpan, squish.

Hunter Zombie - This is where is starts to get bad.

Hunters are zombies in hoodies.

Which might sound funny at first, because you probably think that you can just pull on the strings to their hood and close up their face like Kenny from South Park.

I tried. You can't. And they HATE that.

Hunters are one of five "special" zombies that make a distinct noise when they are near. This gives you warning, adds to the ambiance, and allows you to fall like a coward to the center of the group where you are less likely to be the one who gets pounced on and devoured alive because you didn't tell your friends what you heard.

And man, do Hunters pounce.

They have a leaping attack that knocks you down, renders you useless, and makes you rely on your team mates to knock it off of you before you can get up.

Which sucks for you if the boat is there, because chances are: We all left without you.

Threat Level: Moderate. No one likes the Hunters. They're wearing hoodies, they look all "suburban white kid trying to be street" and they don't take much ammo to drop. However, as I mentioned - if the escape vessel is there? Your friends may abandon your ass and mourn your loss from the boat as they eat finger sandwiches and talk about how they miss you while you scream for them to help.

Smoker Zombie - Gene Simmons eat your heart out.

Smoker Zombies are your long distance nuisances. They lash out with impossibly long tongues and wrap them around your body.

...

....okay, while that may SOUND kind of sexy...it really isn't.

They wrap you up, incapacitate you, and slowly drag you off as your friends shoot the crap out of you because it is using you as a human body shield.

For some reason, these things seem to have a taste for me. I can't walk twelve steps without a Smoker trying to make me his lunch. And worst yet, when you kill them they explode in a cloud of choking smoke that obscures the screen and all of the fast zombies sneaking up on you so that their noses are against your monitor glass when the haze passes.

Smoker's tongue. Guuuh.

Threat Level: Moderate to ANNOYING.

I'm not kidding, these things are forever dragging me off. Sure, it's funny when it happens to someone else, but when they're pulling you to certain doom?

You scream. Like a girl.

Boomer Zombies - Fatty fatty fat fat.

Boomers are FAT.

And not Phat with a PH. Fat with a "pie and cupcakes" fat. They waddle over and stand around with their bellies sticking out and pretend to eat salad but in reality they're so full of sausage and gravy that they're ready to explode.

Which is REALLY bad for you.

When a Boomer explodes, it coats the closest players in a layer of slime that attracts EVERY ZOMBIE IN A FIVE MILE RADIUS. This stuff is like Axe Body Spray For Zombies. They GO NUTS for it, and if you are unlucky enough to be covered - you're about to become REALLY popular.

Of course, if you are lucky enough NOT to be covered while your friends are, you are now the ugly kid at the prom. Which for once is a good thing.

Threat level: Moderate to FATTY FATTY FAT FAT!

If you can get them with a clean shot in the distance, they explode in a harmless spray of blood and gore leaving behind only the faint smell of candy and a stained pair of stretchy pants from Al's Big and Tall shop. Of course, if they explode on YOU, all of your friends are going to back off and claim that they were helping as they reload and heal each other.

Jerks.

Tank Zombie - Tanks are every 'Roid Raging muscle head in the world, but now undead and trying to impress the girl zombies by lobbing cars at your noggin.

Which as you can imagine, sucks.

Tanks are accompanied by really ominous music and a slight shaking of the ground that lets you know that you are all about to die. You'll spin frantically in whatever clearing you've all huddled as you try to determine which direction it is going to attack from, and more directly - which of you is about to be pounded into pudding.

They have a million hit points, can ignore a full clip from a machine gun, and huck boulders, cars, and other players at you with the force of a really pissed off trebuchet.

Luckily, they pose almost no threat. See?

Threat Level: None, unless you are my buddy Ship.

That's right! If you have a Tank coming at your party, you just have to kill it while it is killing my buddy Shipwreck! You'll take no damage, get a neat achievement, and probably bonus points for scraping up Ship's gooey remains and mailing them back home to his Mother in a coffee can.

If you don't HAVE my buddy Ship in your group, you might want to lure him there, because as long as he's in the group, the Tank doesn't care about anyone else. Or you might want to assign someone to the role of designated "Ship" before you even start playing.

It saves time AND med kits.

Witch Zombie - The last, and arguably the worst among the undead, is the Witch.

Crying like a scared child, the Witch is really a sad and frightened visage to come across. You'll feel bad as you hear her sobs, and you might even want to go over and give her a hug and tell her that everything is going to be okay.

You do that.

The rest of us will be making room in Ship's coffee can for your creamy nougat center.

The Witch is psychotic. The moment you get too close, or hit her with a flashlight beam, the crying stops. At least on HER end. Whoever disturbs her becomes the focus of her clawed rage as she pounces and starts shredding you and tearing you limb for limb. And unlike a Hunter's pounce, the Witch can take several clips from several group members, (those not running and hiding) before she dies.

Avoid. The. Witch.

Threat Level: HOLY F***ING S**T! RUN! NO RUN!! SHE'S ON ME! HOLY F***ING S**T SHE'S ON ME!!! DON'T RUN!! GET BACK HERE YOU BASTARDS! GET BAAACK HEEEERE!!!

Rumor is that you can get a special achievement in game for one-shotting her with a sniper rifle or killing her without taking damage.

I wouldn't know this, because I have no need for that particular badge to be pinned to my chest. You guys go on with your achievements for merit and bravery - I'll be over here with all of my limbs, in the safe room, post-humorously awarding you honors and benefits as I scrape off the "Folgers Crystals" label and finish putting the stamps on your vessel home.

Seriously. Avoid the Witch.

Conclusion: B- for solo play, A+ for group play.

The solo aspect of the game is fun as the computer takes up the role of the other three survivors. You can run through all of the scenarios, all of the groups, and you can have a ball doing it.

But sacrificing a PC controlled player to the gods of death in order to save your own ass just feels empty. The computer doesn't even flinch. It doesn't scream in your ear, it doesn't beg you to open the door, and it doesn't ask you why you got on the boat instead of rescuing him.

It just accepts its fate with a quiet dignity that takes all of the fun out of seriously f***ing him over.

Which just makes this game a must have in its own right. If you get a good group, this game is second to none. Just don't play with Shipwreck.

I call dibs.

-Coyote