Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

With the passing of the holidays, gifts of all shapes and sizes were both given and received. And among these gifts was a gesture so pure, so honest, and so thoughtful, that I thought my heart was going to burst.

The gift...of bacon.

Of course, the bursting heart sensation could have been caused because of PREVIOUS gifts of bacon, but that's not important. What IS important is the sudden growth of fame and notoriety that bacon itself has gained in that wacky world we like to call "The Internets".

The popularity of bacon is yet another online fad that I don't have a problem with. Right up there with busty midget porn and sites dedicated to photo bombing, (Something that never fails to crack me up, see example:)

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...the internet fascination with bacon is a lovely and natural thing.

Bacon flavored novelties however, as I have sense found out, are not.

"But Coyote! It is BACON! It has to be good! How can you be a REAL MAN and not love all things BACON?!"

...

...

Because bacon FLAVORED does not equate to actual bacon. Plus, this unnatural urge to do horrible and sacrilegious things to the bacon in the interest of online hijinks and shocking humor makes me sick.

One does not dip bacon in chocolate. One does not RUIN perfectly GOOD bacon by smothering it in candy and daring friends to eat it. This is disrespectful to both the bacon itself, and the very gods that brought us this smoky ambrosia from the heavens above. The preparation and usage of bacon is VERY clear and VERY concise for a reason:

It is simply too valuable to waste, even in jest.

Bacon is to be wrapped around other types of meat and seafood to enhance it's flavor. Bacon is to be enjoyed by itself - fried to a crisp or left kind of chewy like some of the lesser refined palates seem to prefer. You can even cut it up and put it in things like biscuits or sprinkle it on your eggs for that perfect bacon kick...

...but to cover it in CHOCOLATE? To mock it and turn it into a throw away fad?

.....there should be laws.

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Still, in spirit of the holiday, and in acknowledgement of my love for all things bacon and bacon related, I was given five bacon inspired novelties and candies in order to bring joy and happiness to my life. And while some of them did.....others....others made me do that weird throat jerk, head bob, "gunna hornk" thing as I tried to muscle past the taste.

Bacon Gummies

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Okay...these aren't bacon flavored, but they are bacon shaped. They come in a package that is very baconesque, and have a bacon inspired look to them. I was rather amused, and even though they were strawberry in flavor, the shape and look of bacon was enough to bring cheer to my lard filled heart.

We like bacon gummies, even if they are not truly bacon. Imitation is truly the sincerest form of flattery.

So if we liked bacon gummies, we'd love...

Bacon Jellybeans

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You know those "Jelly Belly" beans that taste EXACTY like whatever they're supposed to be the first time you try one, but then every bean that follows just kind of ruins the whole taste experience?

Theses aren't them.

Because Bacon Jellybeans ruin that taste experience from the beginning.

They taste like what I would expect that weird clearish jelly that forms on top of ham that has been left open in the refrigerator would taste like. More ham flavored than actually bacon flavored, these things were nasty enough to make me doubt the baconocity of the remaining gifts, but were just "ham" enough to make me hopeful that someone got it right.

The REAL problem was in the texture. Bacon is good, so ham is good. Ham flavor with a chewy "gets stuck in your teeth and feels like a jelly bean" consistency...is not.

If you are going to buy and eat these, eat just one, and then take the rest and mix them into a bowl of regular jellybeans. While they are not good enough to eat on their own merit, they are perfect for feeding to other people who do not expect a cotton candy pink jelly bean to taste like armpit sweat.

In order to get them out of your teeth, I highly recommend:

Bacon Dental Floss

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For that "just flossed with bacon" feel, without the risk of getting tiny little black bits stuck between your teeth.

Bacon Floss is actually good. It smells, and tastes like REAL bacon. The problem is:

It ISN'T real bacon, nor is it EDIBLE because it is dental floss. So if you try to eat it as the smell and taste would suggest you do, you could very easily end up choking, seriously hurting yourself, or even risk getting called a retard by your spouse as she looks on in disbelief and pulls the string of dental floss from your throat like a clown slowly removing a multi-colored handkerchief chain from his pocket.

This is the most cruel gift a person can give - something that smells and tastes like bacon that you cannot eat.

Unless you want your poo to come with it's own convenient draw string.

...which suddenly has merit.

Bacon Mints

What's better than fresh breath?

BACONY FRESH BREATH!

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Nothing says "kiss me" like the smoky wafting of processed pork when you lean in for that after-the-date smooch.

The problem is, these things taste nothing like bacon. Sure, they smell of it, and the whole tin has this "hickory goodness" to it that leaves your mouth watering and arteries clogging, but when you scoop a few of these bad boys into your waiting pig chewer?

They taste like mints.

JUST like mints. Weak mints that have no bacon glow or hint of bacon musings.

They're just mints that promise bacon, but offer nothing but the wafting hint of happiness. Unless you like "regular ol' mints". Then ya know...you're reading the wrong column. Which brings us lastly to...

Bacon Gum

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Bacon. Flavored. Bubble Gum.

The joy and happiness that comes from eating actual bacon, mingled with the prolonged chewing of a cheap candy machine gum ball. My mouth watered, my senses were on edge. I hefted one of these smoked delights to my waiting maw with anticipation of perfection...

...and then I threw up.

A lot.

Like, all over most of the other products, several still-wrapped gifts, and a rather ugly sweater that I pretended to love but secretly aimed for the moment my breakfast and several strands of bacon flavored dental floss made a quick dash for the egress.

The gum is HORRID.

It's like chewing on a handful of rubber bands that you bought from a discount store that had salvaged them from a really intense-yet-really-smoky fire at Office Max. I'm not sure who taste-tested these, or who played quality control on the production floor, but I AM sure that they have NEVER tasted real bacon once in their life.

If they had, they would have binged these little red monstrosities off of the head of the under the table immigrant worker that spit them out of his candy press and told him to start over or he'd never see his family again.

....

.....these things are horrible, with NO redeeming value, unless you can put them (like the jellybeans) in a real gumball machine and watch some poor unsuspecting sap crunch down on one.

...

....which I just might end up doing.

It'll teach the world a lesson - STOP MESSING WITH BACON! You can' improve upon perfection, and if bacon isn't perfect, I don't want to know what is.

Now excuse me while I go and brush my teeth.....and floss. Several times.

-Coyote

((PS..... For those of you curious, the Doctor Horrible contest is not over, and while I got a "Dishonorable Mention (#9 down in the credits) on the DVD....The Fire Poker has retired. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQsn82nzJgY ))