EQ2 Interviews: A Collection of Bad Days...

By Coyotee Sharptongue

"Ever have one of those days where nothing could go right? Where it
seemed like everything was stacked against you by some unseen malicious
force?" A large Kerra wearing a top hat and sitting in a plush arm
chair asks with a grin as he sips from a wine glass full of milk.

"As I've circled the globe in search of truth, I have on occasion
experienced one of those days, time...and time again." He chuckles as
he points to a large while view screen that displays a large number "3".

"Well here at Ten Ton Hammer we throw nothing away, and because of
that I'm proud to bring you fresh from the cutting room floor the
interviews that didn't quite make it." He chuckles as he turns towards
the screen which begins its countdown from three.

(3)

(2)

(1)

"This is Coyotee Sharptongue reporting to you LIVE from the Claymore
Monument in North Qeynos where a large crowd of grim face protesters
have gathered. Their chants and cries of outrage echo noisily through
the bustling business district where they have taken up residence and
refuse to move." An excited looking Kerran holding a microphone points
to angry mob behind him as he moves towards a large Barbarian who leads
the crowd in earsplitting shout of "Hell no, we won't go."

"Excuse me Sir!" The reporter calls out, drawing the attention of
the group's leader. "Can you tell me what this demonstration is about?"
He asks as he squeezes through the crowd.

"This isn't a DEMONSTRATION son! This is a WAKE UP CALL!" The
Barbarian answers, drawing rowdy cheers from his followers.

"We are here to TELL the powers-that-be that they CANNOT force a so
called "server merge" on us, and we will not go quietly or WITHOUT A
FIGHT! The merging world will change us! Ruin us! They'll bring us down
and wreck the adventure for everyone!" The protest leader roars as the
crowd explodes in cries of agreement."

Coyotee looks around in confusion as the Barbarian looks on smugly.

"Um. The servers have already merged." Coyotee informs him as he
watches the man's face fall considerably.

"What? WHEN?" The Barbarian asks incredulously, those gathered
behind him in support now silent.

"Yeaaah. Like a few weeks ago." Coyotee says slowly as the protest
leader begins rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Really?" The Barbarian asks meekly as he looks around.

"Kinda looks the same...doesn't it?" He asks the reporter who sighs
shaking his head.

"Wanna..um..get a pick up group going?" The man grins sheepishly to
Coyotee who begins making "cut" motions towards the camera.

(3)

(2)

(1)

A large Kerra stands on a windy hillside, the sky stretching
endlessly behind him as he slowly lifts his microphone and smiles into
the camera.

"The....Kingdom....of.....Sky....is....now....open.....to.....the.....world....of.....Norrath."
He begins, his words coming in long pauses as a frown slowly spans his
face.

"Whoa......what's.....with....all....the....lag?" He asks the
cameraman rhetorically as he waves a hand in front of his face slowly.

"This.....is....like....the....time....I....ate....all....of....those.....cat...nip.....brownies."
The reporter chuckles, his voice slowed and distorted by the lag.

"Luuuuke. I am your Faaaather." He laughs weirdly as he swings the
microphone like a sword.

(3)

(2)

(1)

"PvP has come to Norrath, stripping down the safety of interaction
and adding another element of thrill and excitement to ever
adventurer's life." Coyotee speaks into the microphone as he smiles
into the camera.

"But how do those who have come here, seeking to battle other
"Questers" feel about the changes? Are they happy that their cries have
been answered, or are they disappointed with the rules and regulations
now in place?" The Kerran reporter ponders as he moves towards a
heavily armored Dark Elf.

"Standing with me today is Freeport Bruiser Gunnah Gankya. Gunnah,
can you tell me your feelings on the new PvP rules that the gods have
placed upon Norrath?" Coyotee asks as the Dark Elf smiles.

"H3LLZ yeh!1!" The Dark Elf clamors excitedly." At furst i wuz all
"0hz n0es" becaus i wuz all lik WTF Y kant i PWN a N00B rite? This
honorble kill thing is teh SUX. but then i'm all "HAY IM NOT A LAME ASS
ROLLPLYER WUT DO I CARE ABOUT KILL STATS 4 u no?" He laughs into the
microphone as Coyotee stares at him incredulously, confusion evident on
his face.

"I..I didn't understand a single word you just said." Coyotee admits
in shock as he stares uncomprehending at the Dark Elf.

"Pfft. wutevr N00B." Gunnah dismisses as he looks at Coyotee. "U R A
frickin carebear NEWAY!1! u r probly sum fat looser kid who GRRNK!!"
The Dark Elf's insults are quickly cut off by the sudden appearance of
a dagger hilt sticking out of his chest, the reporter's hand still
grasping it tightly.

Gurgling, he tugs in vain at the weapon as he falls dead to the
Kerra's feet.

"I...I..just...had to." Coyotee stammers as he looks into the
camera, the horror of his actions evident on his face.

"I...I couldn't control myself." He smiles weirdly as his eyes widen.

"For YEARS I've listened to this DREK...and..and now..NOW I can
finally DO something about it." He cackles as he drops the microphone
and turns to the world behind him.

"I'M COMING YOU LEET BASTARDS! YOUR BODIES WILL LAY IN MANGLED,
TATTERED RUINS LIKE THE VERY LANGUAGE YOU BUTCHER!" Coyotee screams
maniacally as he runs off laughing into the distance, plunging a dagger
into the back of a passing Halfling as the camera is quickly cut off."

(3)

(2)

(1)

The scene opens with Coyotee Sharptongue, the Kerra reporter sitting
on a bed in a baby bonnet and diaper looking absolutely miserable..
Several ribbons jut out of his fur at odd angles as a large Ogre sits
beside him, combing his fur with a large brush.

"Who me pretty kitty?" The Ogre asks with a smile as he hums to
himself and continues to brush.

Coyotee says nothing, but scowls even darker in anger.

"KRUNNK SAY WHO ME PRETTY KITTY?!?" The Ogre roars, smacking the
reporter roughly with the brush.

"I'm your pretty kitty." The reporter mumbles as Krunnk, placated,
goes back to happily combing out the cat-man's fur.

"Yes you is." Krunnk coos to him. "An' you new name Princess." He
informs as Coyotee starts to cry.

(3)

(2)

(1)

"Exotic pets have always been the rage among the rich and the
privileged. But now with the opening of the portals, and access to the
Kingdom of Sky, even the most common of Adventurers can claim ownership
of some of the most extravagant of companions. This is Coyotee
Sharptongue with TenTonHammer News, bringing you this special update."
A large Kerra holding a microphone smiles cheerily as he turns towards
a happy looking wood elf holding a very large egg which pulsates and
wriggles in his grasp.

"Standing with me today is local animal expert and collector of the
unusual pets, Hudson Bishop. What do you have for us today Hudson?"
Coyotee asks amused as the Wood Elf grins and holds up his prize.

"This Coyotee, is the egg of the rare, and once thought to be
extinct Spotted Aviak." Hudson says in awe as the egg shifts in his
clutches.

"Indeed! What a find!" Coyotee exclaims, obviously impressed. "Seems
to be a lot of action coming from that egg!" He adds tapping it gently
with his microphone. "Any chance it'll hatch for our viewers?" He
inquires, offering a good natured wink towards the camera.

The Wood Elf laughs as the egg begins to pulsate violently in his
arms.

"It seems their might be Coyotee! This little fella sure is eager to
- MPPPFFFF!!" Hudson's laughter is cut off as the egg rips open with a
violent hiss. Green liquid oozes from it's shell as a slime coated
spider like creature leaps from within and latches to the Wood Elf's
face.

"HOLY HELL!" Coyotee screams as he leaps back in fright. Hudson
tears at the creature on his face as it's long segmented tail wraps
itself around his throat, its spidery legs tightly hugging his head.

"Mmmpphhhfff!! MMMPPPHFFF!!" Hudson's muffled screams turn frantic
as he claws at the creature and reaches for the Reporter.

"We were NEVER here!" Coyotee screams at the camera man as they make
a hasty exit. The words "NEVER FRELLING HERE!" Can be heard as the
camera fades to black..

(3)

(2)

(1)

The lights slowly rise as the Kerran turns from the screen towards
the camera.

"As you can see - your worst day cannot possibly compare with me."
He chuckles as he finishes his wineglass of milk, tossing it over one
shoulder.

"So no matter how miserable you truly are, take joy and light
heartedness in the fact that there are those of us out there
much...much worse off." Coyotee grins as he removes the top hat showing
several pretty bows in the tufts of his fur.

"Until next time Norrath - this is Coyotee Sharptongue, bringing you
the true story. Goodnight." He finishes with a slight bow as the camera
slowly fades to black.

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