EQ2 Interviews: A Collection of Bad Days...

By Coyotee Sharptongue

"Ever have one of those days where nothing could go right? Where it seemed like everything was stacked against you by some unseen malicious force?" A large Kerra wearing a top hat and sitting in a plush arm chair asks with a grin as he sips from a wine glass full of milk.

"As I've circled the globe in search of truth, I have on occasion experienced one of those days, time...and time again." He chuckles as he points to a large while view screen that displays a large number "3".

"Well here at Ten Ton Hammer we throw nothing away, and because of that I'm proud to bring you fresh from the cutting room floor the interviews that didn't quite make it." He chuckles as he turns towards the screen which begins its countdown from three.

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"This is Coyotee Sharptongue reporting to you LIVE from the Claymore Monument in North Qeynos where a large crowd of grim face protesters have gathered. Their chants and cries of outrage echo noisily through the bustling business district where they have taken up residence and refuse to move." An excited looking Kerran holding a microphone points to angry mob behind him as he moves towards a large Barbarian who leads the crowd in earsplitting shout of "Hell no, we won't go."

"Excuse me Sir!" The reporter calls out, drawing the attention of the group's leader. "Can you tell me what this demonstration is about?" He asks as he squeezes through the crowd.

"This isn't a DEMONSTRATION son! This is a WAKE UP CALL!" The Barbarian answers, drawing rowdy cheers from his followers.

"We are here to TELL the powers-that-be that they CANNOT force a so called "server merge" on us, and we will not go quietly or WITHOUT A FIGHT! The merging world will change us! Ruin us! They'll bring us down and wreck the adventure for everyone!" The protest leader roars as the crowd explodes in cries of agreement."

Coyotee looks around in confusion as the Barbarian looks on smugly.

"Um. The servers have already merged." Coyotee informs him as he watches the man's face fall considerably.

"What? WHEN?" The Barbarian asks incredulously, those gathered behind him in support now silent.

"Yeaaah. Like a few weeks ago." Coyotee says slowly as the protest leader begins rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Really?" The Barbarian asks meekly as he looks around.

"Kinda looks the same...doesn't it?" He asks the reporter who sighs shaking his head.

"Wanna..um..get a pick up group going?" The man grins sheepishly to Coyotee who begins making "cut" motions towards the camera.

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A large Kerra stands on a windy hillside, the sky stretching endlessly behind him as he slowly lifts his microphone and smiles into the camera.

"The....Kingdom....of.....Sky....is....now....open.....to.....the.....world....of.....Norrath." He begins, his words coming in long pauses as a frown slowly spans his face.

"Whoa......what's.....with....all....the....lag?" He asks the cameraman rhetorically as he waves a hand in front of his face slowly.

"This.....is....like....the....time....I....ate....all....of....those.....cat...nip.....brownies." The reporter chuckles, his voice slowed and distorted by the lag.

"Luuuuke. I am your Faaaather." He laughs weirdly as he swings the microphone like a sword.

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"PvP has come to Norrath, stripping down the safety of interaction and adding another element of thrill and excitement to ever adventurer's life." Coyotee speaks into the microphone as he smiles into the camera.

"But how do those who have come here, seeking to battle other "Questers" feel about the changes? Are they happy that their cries have been answered, or are they disappointed with the rules and regulations now in place?" The Kerran reporter ponders as he moves towards a heavily armored Dark Elf.

"Standing with me today is Freeport Bruiser Gunnah Gankya. Gunnah, can you tell me your feelings on the new PvP rules that the gods have placed upon Norrath?" Coyotee asks as the Dark Elf smiles.

"H3LLZ yeh!1!" The Dark Elf clamors excitedly." At furst i wuz all "0hz n0es" becaus i wuz all lik WTF Y kant i PWN a N00B rite? This honorble kill thing is teh SUX. but then i'm all "HAY IM NOT A LAME ASS ROLLPLYER WUT DO I CARE ABOUT KILL STATS 4 u no?" He laughs into the microphone as Coyotee stares at him incredulously, confusion evident on his face.

"I..I didn't understand a single word you just said." Coyotee admits in shock as he stares uncomprehending at the Dark Elf.

"Pfft. wutevr N00B." Gunnah dismisses as he looks at Coyotee. "U R A frickin carebear NEWAY!1! u r probly sum fat looser kid who GRRNK!!" The Dark Elf's insults are quickly cut off by the sudden appearance of a dagger hilt sticking out of his chest, the reporter's hand still grasping it tightly.

Gurgling, he tugs in vain at the weapon as he falls dead to the Kerra's feet.

"I...I..just...had to." Coyotee stammers as he looks into the camera, the horror of his actions evident on his face.

"I...I couldn't control myself." He smiles weirdly as his eyes widen.

"For YEARS I've listened to this DREK...and..and now..NOW I can finally DO something about it." He cackles as he drops the microphone and turns to the world behind him.

"I'M COMING YOU LEET BASTARDS! YOUR BODIES WILL LAY IN MANGLED, TATTERED RUINS LIKE THE VERY LANGUAGE YOU BUTCHER!" Coyotee screams maniacally as he runs off laughing into the distance, plunging a dagger into the back of a passing Halfling as the camera is quickly cut off."

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The scene opens with Coyotee Sharptongue, the Kerra reporter sitting on a bed in a baby bonnet and diaper looking absolutely miserable.. Several ribbons jut out of his fur at odd angles as a large Ogre sits beside him, combing his fur with a large brush.

"Who me pretty kitty?" The Ogre asks with a smile as he hums to himself and continues to brush.

Coyotee says nothing, but scowls even darker in anger.

"KRUNNK SAY WHO ME PRETTY KITTY?!?" The Ogre roars, smacking the reporter roughly with the brush.

"I'm your pretty kitty." The reporter mumbles as Krunnk, placated, goes back to happily combing out the cat-man's fur.

"Yes you is." Krunnk coos to him. "An' you new name Princess." He informs as Coyotee starts to cry.

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"Exotic pets have always been the rage among the rich and the privileged. But now with the opening of the portals, and access to the Kingdom of Sky, even the most common of Adventurers can claim ownership of some of the most extravagant of companions. This is Coyotee Sharptongue with TenTonHammer News, bringing you this special update." A large Kerra holding a microphone smiles cheerily as he turns towards a happy looking wood elf holding a very large egg which pulsates and wriggles in his grasp.

"Standing with me today is local animal expert and collector of the unusual pets, Hudson Bishop. What do you have for us today Hudson?" Coyotee asks amused as the Wood Elf grins and holds up his prize.

"This Coyotee, is the egg of the rare, and once thought to be extinct Spotted Aviak." Hudson says in awe as the egg shifts in his clutches.

"Indeed! What a find!" Coyotee exclaims, obviously impressed. "Seems to be a lot of action coming from that egg!" He adds tapping it gently with his microphone. "Any chance it'll hatch for our viewers?" He inquires, offering a good natured wink towards the camera.

The Wood Elf laughs as the egg begins to pulsate violently in his arms.

"It seems their might be Coyotee! This little fella sure is eager to - MPPPFFFF!!" Hudson's laughter is cut off as the egg rips open with a violent hiss. Green liquid oozes from it's shell as a slime coated spider like creature leaps from within and latches to the Wood Elf's face.

"HOLY HELL!" Coyotee screams as he leaps back in fright. Hudson tears at the creature on his face as it's long segmented tail wraps itself around his throat, its spidery legs tightly hugging his head.

"Mmmpphhhfff!! MMMPPPHFFF!!" Hudson's muffled screams turn frantic as he claws at the creature and reaches for the Reporter.

"We were NEVER here!" Coyotee screams at the camera man as they make a hasty exit. The words "NEVER FRELLING HERE!" Can be heard as the camera fades to black..

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The lights slowly rise as the Kerran turns from the screen towards the camera.

"As you can see - your worst day cannot possibly compare with me." He chuckles as he finishes his wineglass of milk, tossing it over one shoulder.

"So no matter how miserable you truly are, take joy and light heartedness in the fact that there are those of us out there much...much worse off." Coyotee grins as he removes the top hat showing several pretty bows in the tufts of his fur.

"Until next time Norrath - this is Coyotee Sharptongue, bringing you the true story. Goodnight." He finishes with a slight bow as the camera slowly fades to black.

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