The Search For Lucan D'Lere

By Coyotee Sharptongue

“This is Coyotee Sharptongue coming to you LIVE from the Begger’s Court in Freeport where adventurers from ALL over Norrath have gathered in hopes of attaining their fifteen minutes of fame in the first annual “Quest for Lucan D’Lere competition.” A large Kerran announces as he sits at an oak carved judging table grinning into the camera. A large crowd of white wigged men jostle for position at the front of pack as they adjust their armor and practice their sneers.

“My producer at Ten Ton Hammer has asked me personally to oversee this competition, and in doing so I assure you that I will be a fair and impartial judge.” Coyotee says smugly as he looks at the papers in front of him with a bit of arrogant satisfaction.

“Bring out the first contestant!” Coyotee shouts as he smiles confidently at the camera.

Several long moments pass as the reporter sits at his table, shuffling the papers. Finally after what seems like an eternity, an ancient human male dressed in heavy combat gear slowly shuffles towards the desk. Rolling his eyes visibly, the Kerran waits for the man to finish his approach before addressing him.

“So, you want to be the next Lucan D’Lere.” Coyotee says with a well practiced smile as he looks up at the old man nonchalantly.

“Eh?” The Lucan hopeful asks as he cups a hand to a gnarled old ear.

“I SAID, SO YOU WANT TO BE THE NEXT LUCAN D’LERE?” Coyotee yells at the man who nods his head in agreement laughing slighly.

“Thank you young fella! I’ll take TWO if you have them! And make’m BUSTY!” The old man laughs as he winks to the confused looking Kerran.

“What in the HELL are you talking about?” The reporter finally, the annoyance clear in his voice.

“I think I peed.” The old timer confides sadly as he looks down at his codpiece.

“NEXT!” Coyotee yells as two guards move to the side of the ancient Lucan and help him slowly shuffle off. “And bring me someone still ALIVE this time!” He yells after them as he sits back in his chair shaking his head.

“Alive? I’ll FLAY you alive for taking that pathetic creature before ME!” An intimidating voice threatens as Coyotee looks up obviously impressed by the actor’s grip on the character.

“Ahh..finally!” The catman grins as he looks around happily. “Where are you?” He asks in anticipation.

“Right….HERE!” The next candidate growls as he leaps onto the table from the shadows. His dead eye glints wickedly from behind it’s scarred flesh as his lips curl back in an angry sneer. Stepping forward he raises an accusing finger to the judge and scowls with malice.

Coyotee looks at him, obviously not intimidated, and no longer impressed as he folds his arms over his chest.

“You’re a GNOME.” The Kerran points out as the pint-sized Overlord’s sneer fades.

”Yeah? So?” The Gnome asks defiantly as he puts his hands on his hips. “Are you saying just because I’m a GNOME I can’t be Overlord D’Lere?” He questions haughtily.

“YES! That’s exactly what I’m saying! You couldn’t even be his LEG!” Coyotee exclaims as he holds up a hand. “You are like TWO FEET TALL!” He says in exasperation.

“Two foot ONE actual pal! And you are making a MISTAKE. I *AM* Lucan!” The Gnome says angrily as he takes a step forward.

“Someone get Mini-D’Lere outta HERE!” The Kerran yells to the guards who promptly pick up the now kicking and fighting fun-sized Overlord.

“NEXT!” Coyotee yells as he brushes the Gnome’s foot prints from his listings.

The ground shakes in protest as a massive Ogre steps forward, each stomp of his heels echoing like thunder. His heavily muscled body is greatly accented by the perfect copy of Antonia Bayle’s skimpy costume that graces his olive skin. Adjusting his tiara the Ogre smiles down at the judge -

- Who stares back in awe, his mouth agape. After a moment Coyotee is able to compose himself as he fumbles for his papers.

“Um..uh..this..um. This is the search for LUCAN D’LERE, not Antonia..I mean..just.” Coyotee takes in the scantily dressed Ogre as he simply shakes his head in disbelief. “That is a *lovely* costume.” He says finally as he forces a smile.

“Huh? Me not IN costume yet!” The Ogre growls as he holds up a large sack that holds his outfit. “Me just need to know where me change.” He announces to the shocked reporter.

Numbly, Coyotee raises a hand and points behind the Ogre, who turns and nods excitedly.

“Gee Thanks! Me be right back!” The large monster exclaims happily as he bounces off towards the changing rooms, leaving a stunned and more than likely scarred for life Coyotee in silence.

“I hate my job.” He finally sighs breathlessly before shaking his head, an angry look spanning his face. “NEXT!” He screams impatiently as a large pale skinned human stalks towards the table.

“Coyotee Sharptongue?” The next Lucan growls as he slams his fists to the table, electricity crackling around him.

“HEY! Watch the furniture pal!” Coyotee jumps up, slapping the new arrival on the back of his head as he surveys the table for damage. “I like the act Skippy, but chill with the dramatics.” He says in irritation as he turns towards the next Lucan.

“SILENCE FOOL!” The current Overlord bellows in command, only to be waved off again by the reporter.

“Okay, look. I’ve got to tell you. I’m not impressed.” Coyotee admits as he cuts the man off, reaching out and flipping the man’s ponytail.

“You sound NOTHING like him. He’s not so nasal..and what’s with that lame accent?” The catman critiques as he walks around the contestant. “You should be called Lucan D’Lame.” He chuckles flipping the ponytail again.

“Nice wig. Where’s the dead horse’s arse you ripped it off of?” Coyotee laughs as he grabs the man’s ponytail and tugs it violently.

The man growls as the ponytail stays firmly attached.

“Wow..that’s really ON there.” Coyotee says in a rather small voice as he tugs again weakly, bringing another growl from the large man who’s dead eye begins to glow with an eerie malice.

“....Yeah...you’re really him aren’t you?” The reporter asks meekly as the TRUE Overlord slowly turns towards him and nods.

“Thought so. So..I’m dead. Aren’t I?” Coyotee asks with a whimper as Lucan nods again.

“Crap.” Coyotee sighs in defeat as D’Lere snaps his fingers.

Several large vines explode from the ground, pulsating wickedly with a foul slime as they wrap around the Kerran’s limps and pull him to the soil before dragging him off, his screams echoing frantically as Lucan D’Lere turn towards the camera.

“We’re DONE here.” Lucan growls into the lens before reaching forward towards the camera man, the camera instantly cutting to black.

Coyotee’s frantic screams can still be heard as the live feed slowly ebbs offline.

”Not the vines! NOT THE VINES!” He sobs, the camera finally snapping to the harsh crash of static.