Its the End of the World as we know it!

EQ2 Humor by Coyotee Sharptongue

“This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news reporting to you LIVE from a demonstration here in North Qeynos where dozens have gathered in protest.” A large Kerran holding a microphone looks intently into the camera as he gestures to a small crowd behind him.

“The recent statement from the Powers-That-Be that informed us of upcoming changes to be implemented was seemingly clear and concise. However I am told that a darker, more sinister “truth” lays hidden within these words and is spells out a grizzly message.” Coyotee says in serious tones as he turns to a figure who has moved beside him.

“Standing with me today is self proclaimed “Voice of the People” and self titled “Prophet of the masses” Nostra Damass.” The reporter introduces as the camera pans to a badly balding human dressed in flowing white robes.

“Nostra, can you explain to us exactly what this message is? What insight to the future have you gleaned by reading into what you label the “truth” of the announcement?” Coyotee asks eagerly as the camera turns to a grim faced Nostra who answers in grave tones.

“These changes have aligned with the blood red moon, and the starless sky Coyotee. The shattered moon aligns with a planet in turmoil, and with the alterations that will be inflicted upon us, only one the is certain.” The Prophet intones as he hefts a large sign, slowly revealing its devastating message.

“The End of the world.” Coyotee says dryly as he slowly looks up at the unfurled sign and reads the angrily scratched words.

“The Apocalypse is UPON US!” The doomsayer screams fanatically as the reporter reads the words out loud. The crowd roars behind him, echoing his screams as more signs proclaiming the end of world sprout up among the masses like verbal weeds.

“These changes will rip into our very lives, drastically and forever altering us. They will leave us weakened and defenseless, unable to provide for ourselves or our families. We will be useless members of a decaying society that will slowly erode away until we have all been destroyed.” Nostra predicts as he shouts his words loudly stirring the crowd into a like minded roar once again.

“That’s what you guys said last time.” Coyotee states flatly, crossing his arms with a frown. “And the time before that, and the time before that.” He points out as the leader of the mob slowly turns to face him.

“Um..well..we..um..we REALLY mean it this time!” Nostra stumbles before half shouting to the crowd which murmurs back uncertain.

“Are you guys honestly going to do this every time there is a change?” The reporter asks straight to the point.

“Um..huh? Do..do what?” The doomsayer asks looking around uncertain.

“EVERY single time that there is a change, no matter how large or small, needed or insignificant, you guys break out your little signs and anger and stomp your feet all the way here where you start screaming about the end of the world. Yet here we are. Tell me - how many times has the world ACTUALLY ended?” Coyotee asks angrily as he scolds the protest leader who looks at his feet sheepishly.

“Once or twice at least.” Nostra says in a small voice as he looks at the ground. “I don’t have the exact numbers on me.” He admits without looking up.

Coyotee stares at the man in silent disbelief before slowly raising his microphone.

“The world has ended…once or twice?” The reporter finally asks after a long moment of stunned silence.

“It was really quick, and um..late at night. Not too many people noticed.” Nostra says quickly as he turns to his now quiet crowd for support. “Right guys?” He asks, pleading for confirmation.

A few “Yeah’s” and “I guess so’s” can be heard from the now quiet crowd who seem to be staring intently at their collective feet.

“Look, Nostra Dumbass –“ Coyotee starts but is quickly corrected.

“Damass.” Nostra chimes.

“Whatever.” The reporter sighs as rubs his temples with his free hand, staving off a growing headache. “Have you EVER had a prediction come true?” He asks out of grim curiosity.

“Sure! Don’t you remember the plight of the Templars? Or perhaps the destruction of the Guardians? OH! Or the GREAT RANGER ERADICATION! Eh? We predicted that, and NOW look. They are practically EXTINCT. When’s the last time that you can say you’ve honestly seen a Ranger or Templar or Guardian?” The doomsayer asks rather proud of his recovery.

Coyotee simply stares at the man before slowly turning towards the crowd. An awkward silence ensues punctuated only by the shuffling of feet and someone in the distance clearing their throat.

“Who here is a Ranger, Templar, or Guardian?” The Kerra asks in a tired voice.

The crowd looks among itself as several hands among them gradually rise. Satisfied that he had proven his point, Coyotee turns back to Nostra Damass only to see the man’s hand raised high in the air. With a sheepish smile he says the word “Templar” then looks away.

“Look.” Coyotee starts, the restraint in his voice obvious. “Changes will happen. For good or for bad, there will be changes. Sometimes they will affect the few, sometimes – like now, they will affect the many. Can’t you fathom that there are reasons behind these changes that you cannot see – because you do not have the resources, knowledge, or ability to look beyond your own indignant rage at being altered? The world is NOT going to end.” He promises with a slight chuckle.

“STONE THE UNBELIEVER!” A voice screams from the crowd as the reporter turns to face it.

“Did you just say STONE m-“ Coyotee tries to ask but is cut off by Nostra Damass throwing a handful of gravel at the reporter’s chest. Looking down at the pebbles and loose dirt, the Kerran looks up at Nostra, his face set in stone.

“What was that?” Coyotee asks dryly as Nostra points at him and turns to the crowd.

“LOOK! LOOK HOW WE HAVE BEEN NERFED! HE STILL STANDS!” He howls, drawing roars of anger from those gathered.

Turning towards the camera and ignoring the protesters, Coyotee sighs and hefts his microphone.

“This is where I’d usually say something about paranoia and not fearing change, but I just have a feeling it would be wasted on these whack jobs, and I’ll just have to say the same thing again when LU-25 comes out so I’m just going home. Back to you Tom and Diane.” The Kerra says in defeat as he shakes his head and walks off as the camera fades to black.

“What class is he? Did you see him mitigate that damage? He needs to be NERFED!” Can be heard uttered in awe as the everything cuts to static.