The Cities at war - no more

EQ2 Humor by Coyotee Sharptongue

A large Kerran sitting between a strikingly beautiful woman and a rather imposing gray haired man at an immense oak negotiation table looks up at the camera with an optimistic smile.

"This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news reporting to you live from the peace talks between the beautiful and gracious Antonia Bayle from our lovely city of Qeynos.." The catman begins as he gestures to the woman who nods in regal confirmation. "..and the unwavering and merciless Overlord Lucan D'Lere from the ever imposing city of Freeport." He finishes the introduction as he turns towards the gray haired man who's ponytail bobs angrily as he sharply acknowledges the greeting.

"The time for war has passed, and now from the torn earth and blood soaked ground a small sprout of hope and peace emerges." The reporter smiles as he looks between the two figureheads. "Tell us, if you will Ms. Bayle, what brought on this amazing and unexpected cry for peace?" He asks as he turns towards Antonia who brightens considerably at the attention.

“Oh. My. GOD. You fur is like, SO shiny!” Antonia coos as she reaches out, stroking the cat-man’s fur slowly. “You must like, go through like TONS of conditioner.” She says in awe as she stares at his fur, her fingers playing through the soft hair.

The reporter coughs in embarrassment as he blushes slightly, his eyes flickering over the woman’s hand until another touch on his other arm jolts him from the day dream.

Lucan D’Lere slowly pets the Kerra’s arm, his eyes transfixed as he mimic’s Antonia’s gesture.

“Um..ahem.” Coyotee coughs, snapping Lucan out of his impromptu touching.

“I..I was just thinking how LOVELY a RUG this would make when I ripped it from your STILL BLEEDING CORPSE!” Lucan growls as he snatches his hand away angrily, returning to his normal imposing demeanor.

Swallowing hard at the threat, Coyotee turns towards Lucan and repeats his question.

“Can you tell us, Lord Overlord, Sir..” Coyotee stammers as he tries to avoid the Overlord’s dread gaze. “What finally brought you to the table to negotiate this truce?” He finishes, his voice a mere squeak.

“These simpering WORMS from Qeynos have mewed like lost kittens at our gates long enough.” The Overlord spits, his eyes alight with hatred. “I cannot TAKE their incessant whining a moment longer, and if it means a truce to stop their pathetic cries…then so be it.” Lucan admonishes, the disgust evident in his remaining eye.

“But surely the plight of the refugees…” Coyotee starts, only to be cut off by a heavily mailed fist being pounded into the table.

“The refugees are filth. Slime not worthy of my attention. I loathe them. I LOATHE them as I LOVE YOU Coyotee Sharptongue.” Lucan spits again, and with another slam of his armored fist, sends a tremor across the wooden table.

“Sir, with all due respect, I am sure that some of the refugees…from..” Coyotee blinks as he catches up with the conversation and turns to fully face the Overlord. “W..what did you just say?” He asks in stunned disbelief.

The two men stare at each other for a moment before Lucan’s eyes widen in realization.

“I SAID I LOATHE YOU! WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?!?” The Overlord roars as he stands suddenly, his chair flipping violently behind him as electricity cackles throughout his body.

“Nothing! NOTHING SIR!” Coyotee cowls as Antonia Bayle slowly stands, her mouth hanging open slightly as she puts one delicate hand on his shoulder.

“Like, No WAY.” She articulates as she stares across the table at Lucan.

“Sit WITCH, before I destroy you AND your mangy-yet strangely alluring pet.” Lucan hisses in warning as Antonia slowly steps forward.

Antonia looks vaguely amused as she crosses her arms over her ample bosom and looks sideways at the fuming Overlord. Caught between the two powerhouses, Coyotee shoots a pleading glance to the camera and looks helplessly on.

“No WONDER you were always such a prude. It all makes SENSE NOW!” Antonia says as she mimics smacking her forehead. “The ponytail. The keen-yet-functional fashion sense. You live in your mother’s BASEMENT!” She says as if realizing something for the very first time.

Lucan stomps forward with a guttural roar, coming face to face with the ruler of Qeynos, trapping the hapless Kerran between them.

“This farce is OVER. There will be NO TRUCE.” Lucan growls, his face inches from Antonia’s own. “I will not be satisfied until the burning embers of Qeynos light the night sky in a burgundy glow of death and destruction.

“Oh my god! You just said BURGUNDY!” Antonia laughs lightly.

“I SAID BLOOD RED!” Lucan erupts back, his face dark with rage.

“Whatever Lucan D’Nile.” She snorts in his face as she places a hand on the Kerran’s shoulder. “Coyotee and I were like, JUST leaving anyway.” She informs as she tugs slightly on the cat-man. “C’mon kitten.” She orders.

Coyotee starts to slowly stand as Lucan’s iron grip locks on his opposite shoulder, forcing him back to the chair.

“You may leave foul woman... But the Kerra is staying with ME.” He counter commands as his eyes never leave hers. “We have ..like…stuff to go over. GUY STUFF!” He yells as Coyotee looks uncomfortably back and forth between the two.

“You know…I have to be going anyway.” Coyotee says in a small voice as he looks up between the warring rulers. “I have…another interview..you know on the other side of town where I..” He continues but is quickly silenced by both of the fighters.

“SHUT UP.” They yell in unison as they looked shocked and step back from the reporter.

“Don’t YOU tell HIM to shut up!” They scream at each other, again in tandem as Coyotee slowly scootches back from the fight.

“Like, why would he want to go back to YOUR dump?” Antonia teases as she sneers at Lucan. “Is your MOMMY like, going to make cookies?” She asks in a sing song voice.

“Perhaps he’d rather spend time with someone who actually has a brain and words besides “Oh my god” and “LIKE” in their vocabulary.” Lucan squabbles back as Antonia gasps in offense.

“Lets let HIM decide.” She offers as she crosses her arms in defiance.

“FINE!” Lucan agrees as he crosses his arms across his plated chest.

“Coyotee? Who do you want to go home with? ME or Overlord Ponytail over there?” Antonia asks in a huffy voice as both turn towards the reporter.

Only to find his very empty chair.

They both look around in obvious surprise before angry looks slowly grow on each of their faces.

“Oh he is like, SO exiled.” Antonia Bayle states in an annoyed voice.

“Totally.” Lucan growls in agreement as they turn towards the exit in tandem and move towards the door.

“So, you like wanna get an Iced coffee or something?” She asks conversationally as they both walk off camera.

“No.” Lucan growls, his normal demeanored mask slipping back into place as the camera very slowly fades to black.