Bards need Poison

EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue

A large Kerran sits inside a small wooden booth that reads “Complaints” in bold black letters across its top. Bored, he traces the holes used for communication drilled out of the booth’s glass front with a razor sharp claw. A tall elf carrying a lute strides towards the booth causing the cat man to quickly sit up straight and put on his best smile.

“Complaint department. My name is Coyotee, how may I help you?” The Kerran asks cheerfully as the elf tilts his head in confusion.

“Say, aren’t you that reporter?” The Elf asks as Coyotee nods in affirmation.

“Slow news week, gotta make ends meet ya know?” He smiles politely as he taps the glass and gestures to another, smaller sign that reads “Complaints”. “How can I help you?” He asks in a friendly voice.

“Cleft. Cleft Chinn, Bard of Norrath – at your service.” The Elf grins. “Tell me, when do we Bards get poisons?” The Elf questions as he leans against the booth. With a sigh and a shake of his head Coyotee takes a deep breath and addresses the man.

“You don’t. Bards don’t get poisons.” Coyotee frowns as he looks at the man.

“We’re scouts. All scouts get poisons. We want ours.” Cleft counters, drawing an annoyed glance from the cat man.

“You don’t get poisons. It’ll upset the balance. NEXT!“ The Kerran calls out loudly as he tries to see past the Elf.

“But..I..” Cleft stammers, only to be cut off by another yell of “NEXT!” Dejected, he turns and slinks away from the complaint booth. Stopping several feet away, his face alights with an idea as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small piece of fur and holds it to his upper lip.

Turning, he approaches the complaint booth once more, rapping on the glass merrily as he draws the clerk’s attention.

“What are you doing?” Coyotee asks dryly as the elf holds his mustache on with his free hand.

“Yesss. I would like to make a COMPLAINT?” Cleft says in a singsong voice as he fumbles with his disguise.

“LOOK. I just explained it to you. BARDS do NOT get poisons. I’m SORRY, that’s just the way it is.” Coyotee growls in annoyance as the mustached Elf takes a step back.

“Bard? I am not a Bard!” The elf laments, in his odd falsetto. “I am a RANGER and have RANGER questions.” He says haughtily as the Kerran sighs and puts one hand on his forehead.

”Fine. Ranger questions. Shoot.” Coyotee instructs as he waves the man on with his free hand.

“Ah..Yes. Ahem.” The Ranger clears his throat as he leans towards the glass. “Why is it that bard’s do not get poison?” He asks innocently as he rocks back on his heals awaiting an explanation.

“WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE?!” Coyotee howls as he tries to reach the man through the small hole in the glass. Dropping his mustache and breaking into a surprisingly fast run, the bard is quickly out of both site and reach.

“What the hell is WRONG with people?” The Kerran growls as he straightens his tie and name tag and peers out through the glass.

Now wearing an oversized “Cowboy” hat and sunglasses, a rather familiar looking elf strides towards the complaint booth.

“Oh for the love of..” Coyotee sighs in defeat as he lays his head into his fold arms.

“Howdy there, Partner.” The Elf greets the distressed Kerran warmly. “Name’s Tex. Tex Book. Jus’ wonderin’ if you got time fer me to chew yer ear for a spell. Got me a powerful complicated question that I be needin’ answered.” He explains with a thick southern drawl.

“If the next sounds out of your mouth contain the words “bard” or “poison” I swear on all that is holy that I will pull you through the little hole in this glass.” Coyotee growls in warning as he lifts his head and points to the small speaking hole in the booth’s window.

“No sir. Jus’ wonderin’. About my sword here.” The man says with a friendly grin as he holds the weapon up for inspection.

With a frown Coyotee leans in and gives the weapon a once over before glancing at the Elf in disguise.

“What’s wrong with it?” The Kerra finally asks as he leans back onto his stool.

“Oh! Nothin’ my boy. Nothin’ at all. I was jus’ a-wonderin’..” Tex grins as he inspect the blade. “Would ya’ll have somethin’ I could slather on it to mebbe do some more damage? Ya know, really hurt my enemies?” He asks with a wink from behind the dark sunglasses.

“Like…a poison?” Coyotee ask in irritation as the man’s face lights up.

“LAWS YES SON! Like a poison! What a good idea!” Tex laughs as he shakes his head.

“I’m going to kill you now.” The Kerran states in monotones as he reaches for the handle of the door to the small booth.

“Well…um..I..uh..best git a moseying…cows come home..or something.” The Bard stammers and he quickly makes his retreat.

With an annoyed growl Coyotee sits back on his perch and shakes his head. Slowly, a large shadow falls upon him. Looking up with annoyance he explodes.

“BARDS DON’T GET POISON YOU….large…scary..ogre.” The cat man blinks as he looks up into the beady red eyes of an armor clad Ogre.

“ME GOT PROBLEM!” The Ogre roars as he slams a meaty fist into the side of the booth, rocking it with the might of the angry blow.

“Sure! Sure! What can I do to help sir?!” Coyotee asks quickly and helpfully as he smiles brightly to the angry looking giant.

“’Kay. Um..” The Ogre looks into his hands as he squints slightly. “Me..um..want to know..why birds no get potions.” He reads from his palm before smiling brightly at the Kerran.

All signs of fears are washed from Coyotee’s face in a tidal wave of irritation as he crosses his arms over his chest.

“You mean, why Bards don’t get POISONS?” Coyotee asks, his voice sharp as he raises an eyebrow.

“Um. Yeah. That what this say?” The Ogre asks as he holds up a note to the glass.

“Yup.” The cat man says quickly without even reading the note. “Where is he?” Coyotee asks as he leans towards the glass and looks around.

“Oh..him hiding behind..oh! ME mean HIM whooo?” The Ogre asks innocently as his spreads his hands in question and shrugs.

“Grab him and hold him and I’ll give you a piece of candy.” Coyotee instructs as he unlocks the booth and opens the door.

“GOT’EM!” The Ogre exclaims happily as he snatches up the Elf and holds him above the ground by the scruff of his neck.

With a deliberately slow pace Coyotee approaches the struggling Bard. Fighting violently against the oblivious Ogre, the Elf calms as Coyotee nears and offers an apologetic smile.

“LOOK.” Coyotee beings with a snarl, only to stop and calm himself. “Bards are scouts, but they get buffs and debuffs. They are essentially a different class. You tell stories, you sing songs, you do NOT POISON PEOPLE. It wouldn’t make sense. LOOK at your weapon. It’s a set of bongo drums. How would you poison a set of BONGO drums?” He asks in exasperation. “You get NO poison. Nothing. You *lose*, GOOD DAY sir.” Spinning on one heel he flips a piece of candy to the Ogre who catches it happily in both hands, sending the Elf sprawling to the ground.

Standing quickly and brushing himself off with his hat, the Bard sighs, defeated and nods in understanding.

“Okay then. What about a pet?” Cleft asks with a grin.

Coyotee spins in rage, but the Bard is no where to be seen, having sped off at an unbelievable rate, his laughter trailing behind him.

“More candy?” The Ogre asks happily as he puts out a massive paw. Laying his apron and name tag in the Ogre’s outstretched hand, the Kerran simply walks away in silence, no job being worth the aggravation the day had brought.

Staring silently at the apron and tag, the Ogre smiles brightly as the scene slowly fades to black.

“Krunnk got new dress AND new job!” Can be heard echoing happily as the nothingness consumes.


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Last Updated: Mar 13, 2016

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