Goldiesocks and the Three Owlbears

EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue

A large oak stage takes up much of the Beggar’s Court as a small crowd gathers curiously. Sitting in silence upon rows of uncomfortable looking benches, they stare up in awe at the large red curtains that bear the scowling face of the Overlord. The curtains hide the mysterious stage’s purpose from the tiny crowd, until small lights appear at the stage’s edge. A voice booms around them, its magical source impossible to know as the words “The Freeport Family Players” flicker briefly in front of the heavy curtains.

"The legendary Nektulos forest was once home to an overwhelming population of Owlbears - brutal creatures that could rip even the strongest of men limb from limb." The narrator speaks in a strong clear voice as a spotlight illuminates the center stage.

The thick crimson curtains part to reveal a forest setting complete with artificial trees and a painted back drop. A path has been created in the center of the stage as small prop birds dangle awkwardly from invisible strings.

"But even in the darkest and most deadly of woods, a single delicate flower could still grow." The narrator explains gently as the stage begins to shake almost violently.

The prop trees threaten to tip as the wave unsteadily from side to side, the artificial birds bobbing chaotically on their hidden strings.

"A young waif of a girl by the name of Goldiesocks lived here, and it was her quest to find the legendary "Three Owlbears." The voice continues as the shaking grows more intense.

A large Ogre dressed in a red hood and cape skips happily to center stage. Each bounding leaps sends the back drop into a frenzy of motion as props bounce in response to each massive step. Golden curls of hair tumble gracefully from the depths of the Ogre's hood as he stands proudly, displaying his golden socks, easily seen beneath his matching red skirt.

"Me off to find three owly bears for Gramma!" Goldiesocks announces in a booming voice as she peers dramatically out at the crowd, her massive hand shielding her eyes from an unseen sun as she looks around.

"But alas, Nektulos Forest, once a haven for the beasts, now seemed empty." The narrator explains as Goldiesocks stamps a delicate foot in frustration sending a large oak behind her tumbling into the back ground.

"Why Krunnk no find OWLY BEARS?!" Goldie growls as she shakes a massive fist at the crowd in an expression of anger. "I know!" She says suddenly as she raises a finger to the sky. "It must be BIG BAD NERF!" The mere sliver of a girl says knowingly before continuing her dainty skipping.

"Indeed, Goldiesocks was right. The big bad Nerf HAD been spotted in the forest, and was the reason that the owlbears had all but disappeared." The narrator explains as a large cardboard building is pushed quickly into view. "It was then in her searching that the small child came across a strange cottage in the woods." The voice continues as the house comes to a halt at Goldie’s feet.

"Why house not got walls?" The Ogre asks as he peers around the doorway and into the prop cottage's interior.

"Goldiesocks approached the door timidly and knocked gently with a delicate hand to see if anyone was home." The narrator reads hurriedly as the Ogre frowns and folds his arms.

"Me not gotta KNOCK. LOOK! There no wall!" The Ogre points out again as he steps around the painted door and into the building through the missing wall.

"The door swinging open as she gently knocked, Goldiesocks realized that there was no one home, but something smelled VERY good." The narrator continues, refusing to deviate from the script as the Ogre nods his agreement.

"Krunnk HUNGRY!" The Ogre confirms as he moves towards a large table clad with three bowls.

"This was the home of the Three Owlbears!" The narrator exclaims happily as Goldiesocks moves towards the food. "The Three owlbears hadn't spawned yet, but with their place holders of porridge available, Goldiesocks knew it would be just a matter of time." The voice continues as the story progresses.

Goldiesocks moves to the first bowl of porridge and lifts it gently to her nose as she sniffs cautiously.

"What porkage?" She asks as she tastes it with a bit of hesitation.

"Upon tasting the first bowl of porridge, Goldiesocks realizes that it is much to hot to eat!" The storyteller explains as the Ogre's face lights up. Smacking his lips happily the giant in drag begins to nosily devour the food.

"THIS GOOD!" He exclaims happily as he resumes his noisy meal.

"I *said* The FIRST bowl was TOO HOT!" The narrator clarifies in a loud voice, but the Ogre merely waves a dismissing hand and turns back to his meal.

Devouring the first bowl, Goldie looks around greedily and upon seeing the second bowl she quickly dives in, eating with renewed gusto.

"Sadly the second bowl was much to cold." The narrator explains as the Ogre reaches for the third bowl, still devouring the second. Porridge coats his face and costume hair as he raises the third bowl to his lips and sucks it down grotesquely.

"But the third bowl of porridge was juuuust right." The story teller explains as Goldiesocks confirms this with a hearty belch. Wiping her mouth on her cloak in a very unlady like manner, the tiny child glances around the cottage before kicking back from the table. Rubbing her massive stomach as she smiles happily through the drying porridge that coats her face and clothes, the girl yawns massively showing wicked tusks.

"Me sleepy." Goldie announces with another belch. Looking around and rubbing her eyes she spies three beds in the next room and smiles lazily.

"The porridge made Goldiesocks sleepy, and when she spied three beds, she couldn't resist a small nap to regain her mana while she waited for the owlbears to spawn." The voice over continues as the Ogre stomps towards the first bed and collapses violently upon it. With a groan of wood and a heavy shudder, the bed holds his massive weight as he turns away from the crowd.

"Alas, the first bed was much to hard." The narrator continues as Goldiesocks scratches herself and gives a deep sigh of content.

"So she GOT UP and tried the SECOND bed." The story teller prods, but receives no response save that of a small burp from the resting Ogre.

A long moment of uncomfortable silence passes before two "owlbears" are pushed rudely onto the stage. Even in the large feathered costumes you can make out the forms of a Ratonga and a Dark Elf female.

Straightening her feathers, the female owlbear stomps across the stage towards the cottage, her free wing clutching a baby owlbear doll angrily by its leg. Kicking open the cardboard door with a vicious blow from her bird-like foot, she stalks towards the sleeping Ogre. Raising her precious infant to the sky, the mother owlbear unceremoniously smacks Goldiesocks in the head with it, before raining down several more blows with her child.

"What you WANT?!" The annoyed Ogre turns, barely lifting his head from the bed.

"AHEM. We, the OWLBEARS have returned to find a sleeping girl in our beds!" The dark elf in costume says in theatric tones as her husband nods eagerly at her side.

"Go 'way." Goldiesocks warns as she lays back down to finish her nap.

"If the child doesn't wake, we shall be forced to EAT it!" The owlbear warns as she whaps the Ogre once more with her child whom she now brandishes like a club.

With a deep sigh Goldiesocks lifts one leg as if she is going to finally rise. Relaxing slightly in victory, the Dark Elf is caught off guard by the sheer force and volume of the explosion that erupts from Goldie’s backside with an ear splitting roar. As the mother owlbear lurches forward unsteadily, Goldie grabs the Ratonga and cradles him like a gigantic teddy bear.

“Mine.” Goldiesocks growls defensively.

"Helps mes." The Ratonga owlbear manages to squeak out before being crushed silent in a loving snuggle.

The crowd erupts in horrific screams as a wave of ogre-processed porridge washes over them. Gagging, the Dark Elf covers her face with her hands and runs crying off stage, her sobs barely audible over the shrieking audience.

Lights flicker as stage hands, actors, and crew alike abandon the production, the audience's screams already disappearing in the distance. Silence is followed by another, smaller explosion as the Ogre shifts uncomfortably in the bed with a giggle.

"Porkage stinky." He chuckles as he scratches himself and drifts back to sleep, protectively cradling his new toy which twitches violently before slowly going still.