Krunnks Guide to the Trick or Treating Quests

EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue

What appears to be a large Ogre holding a microphone stands happily in front of the camera as he bounces with excitement. His chocolate smeared face is barely obscured by a badly ripped cat mask that hangs in tatters around his too large head as he leans in and clears his throat.

"This kitty man Coyotee Sherpatongs for Ted Toad Hippy news bringin' you TRUE story 'cause that me job." The mammoth Ogre announces in what he hopes to be a serious voice punctuated only slightly by giggles.

"JUST KIDDING! IT ME! KRUNNK!!" The faux Coyotee laughs happily as he rips off the already battered cat mask revealing the chocolate coated Ogre beneath. "HAHAHA! ME FOOLED YOU! YOU STUPID!" Krunnk roars with laughter as he holds up the cat mask.

"It was a MASK!" He confides with a grin as he drops the disguise to the ground at his feet. "Me wearin' a mask 'cause it is time for Treats or Treats! That the time of year where you wear mask an' tell people TREAT OR TREAT! An' they give you CANDIES!" Krunnk says with wide eyed wonder and excitement as he hefts a large cloth bag, it's surface - like the ogre, marred with chocolate smears and stickiness.

Rummaging through his bag for a moment he produces a large piece of badly gnawed candy, and satisfied with his prize he looks back at the camera.

"What that you say? You want candy too?" He asks with a large grin.

"NO! THIS KRUNNK CANDY! YOU NOT TOUCH!" The Ogre explodes unrepentantly as he takes a swipe at the camera with a sugar coated fist.

"But...Krunnk TEACH you how to do TREAT OR TREAT quests so you get you own candy and NOT TOUCH MINE!" He says with a grin as he shouts the words "Treat or Treat" with almost fanatical force.

Moving through North Qeynos with sugar induced speed, Krunnk quickly leads the panting camera man to a small goblin standing by the town center.

"Him Bubblebobble gobbie." The Ogre explains as he jerks his thumb in the goblin's general direction, his eyes focused intently on getting another piece of candy from his sack. Finding another chocolatey treat Krunnk greedily shoves it into his mouth and chomps noisily on it.

"Okay." He starts with a mouthful of chocolate. "Chumba Wumba Gobbie give quest. So you tell Gobbie TREAT OR TREAT and him give quest." Krunnk instructs as he wipes his mouth on the back of his sleeve and approaches the goblin.

"Hail Adventurer!" The goblin cackles as he sees Krunnk approaching. "Would you like to do some trick or treating?" He asks as he sizes up the large Ogre.

"TREAT OR TREAT!" Krunnk bellows as he thrusts his candy bag violently towards the goblin.

Startled and slightly puzzled the goblin looks around in confusion before looking up at Krunnk.

"Um..Hail Adventurer...would you like to do so-" The goblin starts again only to be cut off by another shout from the Ogre.

"TREAT OR TREAT!" Krunnk growls louder, the annoyance evident in his voice as he points towards the candy sack.

"Oh. Heh. Um..no..no. See, I don't HAVE candy, you have to GET candy to give to me an-" The goblin explains nervously only to be cut off again.

"ME SAID TREAT OR TREAT! NOW GIVE TREAT!" Krunnk bellows as he waves a meaty fist in the goblin's face.

"WAIT WAIT!! HERE!" The goblin squeals as it rummages through its pockets and throws a fist full of candy into the awaiting bag.

Krunnk peers skeptically into the bag for a moment as he looks at his newly obtained loot. With a satisfied grin he curtsies prettily at the goblin and offers a very polite "thank you" before turning back towards the camera.

"It just THAT easy!" Krunnk says with a grin as he turns away from the visibly shaken goblin.

"Now that jibber jabber gobbie give you quest, you can go to OTHER PEOPLES an' they have to give you treats!" The Ogre laughs happily as he runs towards several nearby Qeynos folk who hastily give the giant his candy fix.

"THERE ANOTHER ONE!" Krunnk bellows through mouthfuls of gooey marshmallow as he runs excitedly towards a couple of gnomes chatting amongst themselves.

With a sugar high burst of laughter and jolt of speed the mammoth Ogre comes to a screeching halt in front of the startled gnomes as he thrusts his candy filled bag out towards them.

"TREAAAAAT OOOORRRR TREEAAAT!" Krunnk screams happily with sugar propelled enthusiasm.

Laughing lightly one of the gnomes winks at the other and turns towards Krunnk.

"Does SOMEBODY want goodies?" The small man asks the Ogre who bounces even more violently in excitement.

"TREAT OR TREAT!!" Krunnk nods happily as he jumps in place.

"Does SOMEBODY love Halloween?" The gnome asks again sending the happy Ogre into even more frantic vibrations as he twitches with excitement.

"TREAT OR TREAT!!" The Ogre screams with giddiness as the two Gnomes laugh at the spectacle of it all.

"Then DANCE for me! DANCE FOR YOUR GOODIES!" The Gnome instructs as Krunnk launches into an impromptu dance number and bounces around with unstoppable energy.

Both gnomes laugh at the dancing Ogre who thrashes around spastically before thrusting his bag back into their faces.

"TREAT OR TREAT!" Krunnk howls in delight as both small men, realizing that their fun is up drop objects into the out stretched goodie bag, much to the squealing delight of the hyperactive giant.

"THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHA...heeeey." Krunnk's exuberance instantly evaporates as he reaches into his back.

"This not candy..what this?" He asks darkly as he rummages through his loot. Pulling an apple and a toothbrush from his trick-or-treat bag the ogre looks at the objects in obvious confusion.

Grinning happily the gnomes nod proudly as the dance instructor speaks.

"Why those are BETTER than candy young man!" He informs the dubious ogre who looks on, clearly not following.

"An apple is JUST as yummy as candy, but GOOD for you - and the toothbrush will keep your teeth healthy and strong afterwards!" The second gnome adds, strengthening the first's conviction.

Krunnk looks at the apple and the toothbrush in his meaty paws before shaking his head in confusion and looking at the gnomes.

"Krunnk dance for TOOTHBRUSH?" The ogre says incredulously. "It candy toothbrush?" He asks hopefully as he inspects the hygiene device.

"No..no. Just the regular kind." The gnome says nervously as he looks around for help. "But..um..its medium bristle." He adds with a shaky smile.

"Oh." Krunnk says as he looks at the toothbrush before putting it back in his bag with a shrug.

Relaxing considerably both gnomes chuckle slightly as the Ogre smiles back at them.

"Well.." Krunnk sighs softly. "Guess me gotta rip off you arms now." Krunnk informs them as he sets down his goodie bag with a sigh.

"W..what?" The first gnome asks in shock as his partner faints and crumples to the ground.

"That the rule. You not give Krunnk candy on Treat or Treat day, Krunnk gotta rip off you arm. Ya know. Rip or Treat." The huge Ogre explains as his reaches forward seizing the small man by the wrist.

"What?! NO! That's trick or treat! TRICK OR TREAT! TRICK, not RIP!" The gnome howls as he's hoisted from the ground.

Krunnk shrugs indifferently and reaches forward with his free hand.

"WAIT! GOLD! I'VE GOT GOLD!" The gnome screams frantically causing the ogre to pause.

"Candy gold?" Krunnk asks hopefully.

"NO! Real gold! But you can BUY candy! Lots of it!" The gnome squeals in fright.

"Hmmm. I dunno." Krunnk says deep in thought. "You promise you not give out stupid apples an' toothbrush no more?" He asks as he eyes the gnome suspiciously.

"I PROMISE! I SWEAR TO THE GODS I PROMISE!" The gnome wails pitifully.

"'Kay." Krunnk agrees dropping the gnome to the ground.

Scrambling to his feet the gnome throws fistfuls of coins at the Ogre as he hurriedly drags off his unconscious friend.

"THANK YOU!" Krunnk calls after them as he remembers his manners. Turning towards the camera the ogre smiles slyly.

"That good trick." He says with a knowing wink.

"Apple's an' pennies an' TOOTHBRUSH not CANDY!" He growls at the camera as he shakes a chocolate stained fist. "So you NO GIVE'EM OUT or you gunna get TRICKED." Krunnk threatens as he starts to smile.

"So that how you treat or treat. This is ooh wait!" Krunnk says quickly as he reaches into his bag for an object that he put on his head.

"This Coyotee Sharkdung sayin' HAPPY HALLOWEEN!" The Ogre finishes as he laughs loudly from within the depths of the battered cat mask.

"GOODNIGHT!" He waves as he grabs his candy bag and dashes off after a group of guards, his voice can be heard bellowing as the camera fades to static.

"TREAT OR TREAT!"

*end*