Curse of the Were-Coyote

EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue and Tony "RadarX" Jones

GU33 is Live and all kinds of nifty changes have gone in. Unfortunately Coyote and I haven't been paying attention to any of the patch notes of what has been added. We're now being forced by our bosses to watch them on a big screen, so we're going to be fairly honest about what we... Coyote for the last time I'm not betting you that you can fit 12 Oreo's in your mouth. Like I was saying I'd expect a....Ahhhh we've got update sign!

Patch Note: Vaniki's ring may now be transmuted and offered at deity altars.

Coyote: Wow, nothing says "It's OVER Vaniki!" like melting down his token of love or offering it as a sacrifice to a god. Poor guy.

RadarX: Vaniki's ring after a successful lawsuit is no longer considered "Dollar Store merchandise" by the deities.

Coyote: Hi Tunare, I got you this ring and... "OMG I DO!!" Um..you ..you do what? "We are going to be SO happy together! I've got to go call my Mother!"

RadarX: Sadly it's cubic zirconium.

Patch Note: The issues with the adornment on the Plate Helm of the Ether should no longer occur.

Coyote: The issue was; donning the Plate Helm of the Ether would cause you to pass out until people at the party wrote on you with a Sharpie. Not to be confused with the Plate Helm of the Chloroform, or Wristband of Roofies.

RadarX: Look you took away our group cures and gave me pink armor. We get it, you hate Templars. Do you have to keep poking at us? I don't think I've tried to adorn my hat which Coyote refers to as a "bottlecap."

Coyote: Hehe. You look like a 16oz of Fatkid Cola.

RadarX: Better than that Rico Horchata Pimp hat you Swashies wear.

Patch Note: You should now get a proper error message if you try to follow someone a second time.

Coyote: And that error message is "Quit stalking me you freak, NO MEANS NO!"

RadarX: I didn't realize you could try and follow someone a second time. Why…do you guys just LOOK for stuff to break?

Coyote: If you try following them a third time, Smed drives over to your house and kicks you in the nuts.

RadarX: Then he makes you answer his mail about the SWG NGE.

Patch Note: If you are given access to a home by someone other than the owner, the message will now correctly tell you who has given you access to what house.

Coyote: If you are given access to a home by someone other than the owner, make sure that you wear a skimask and gloves or the Freeport CSI team is going to come knocking on your door.

RadarX: So basically people have been getting access to homes from Trustees but the owners have been getting credit. If you give someone trustee access…well first of all you should be smacked unless they are like your best friend. I'm not sure what issues this was correcting.

Coyote: Gnome house parties. You'd give a gnome trustee access because he seemed like a nice guy, then BLAMO - you come home from a long day of tradeskilling and there are 900 Gnomes in your house. They're breaking your dishes, one of 'em peeing in your sink, someone brought a horse...its CHAOS, and it's about damn time that this was fixed.

Patch Note: %o, %s and %p should now work properly when targeting female players.

Coyote: /topless /dothedishes /getmeasammichandabeerFASTwoman not so much.

RadarX: Looks like N.O.W. finally applied enough pressure. This was a serious WTF moment for me when I read this. I didn't realize the sex of character could affect ANYTHING other than the virtual drool factor.

Coyote: Now I'm curious of what they were doing when you were targeting female players. Pinchin' butts, slapping rears, calling them "toots". Why'd this have to be fixed again?

RadarX: The /humpleg command is now working as intended.

Patch Note: Citizens of Freeport and Exiles using evac spells in Antonica will now be transported close to the Thundering Steppes. (The evac drops you in aggro radius of the NQ gate guards)

Coyote: The Gate Guards are attacking! QUICK! EVAC! *poof* .....crap....

RadarX: Awww, I'm going to miss evacing in Antonica at level 20 into aggro radius of the North Qeynos gate guards. Nothing like having to remember to run or DIE when you zone.

Coyote: That's funny, *I* don't have problems when *I* Evac. Mebbe you should try, oh, I don't know....NOT BEING EVIL?

RadarX: To answer your first question? Shaddup. You don't have a problem because you make sure the rest of your group is dead so there are no witnesses.

Patch Note: A number of enhancements were made to help improve the performance of servers during raids.

Coyote: Enhancement? Improved Performance? Your server "ENZYTE" is UP . Boy is it EVER.

RadarX: And all the raiders shouted "Hallelujah!" then focused on complaining about more contested content. I've actually seen this first hand, and it was long overdue. I'm glad to see it go live.

Coyote: Why use a rod when you can have the staff? Why settle for a dagger when you can have a LONGSWORD? Enzyte server, where size DOES matter. (PVP Only.)

RadarX:You do that too well... I'm scooting over a little.

Patch Note: The Deathfist orcs have just finished completely remodeling their citadel in the Orcish Wastes!

Coyote: And it looks FAAAAAABULOUS! *snaps* Some throw pillows, some new window dressing and VIOLA! Amazing what you can buy with the kick backs from the Station Access price hike eh?

RadarX: With more than 50,000 square feet of spacious barracks, towers, and battlements this fortress with rustic military charm can be yours! I'm excited to see them revamping some of the old content. It may not get the use some of the newer content does, but I think it's important to keep adding no matter what tier it's in.

Coyote: Buncha Orcs sitting around bored. "Grung have idea! Mebbe if we get new Window Treatment and throw rug, adventurers get CHI aligned an' come back!" ...sadly, Grung was never heard from again.

RadarX: You know...you never see janitor's or gardeners in there.

Patch Note: Dark Elf Wizards have corrected the problem with flying carpets and hover platforms moving slowly in reverse.

Coyote: It still moves butt slow, but now it goes "Beep...beep...beep" and the corners light up in white.

RadarX: Now if only the Dark Elf Wizards could correct the problem with flying carpets actually FLYING. I'll admit it was a little disconcerting to watch people very…slowly…moving…backwards.

Coyote: Someone didn't read the small print. Here; *note*"By "FLYING" we mean "hovering". Carpet does not actually fly as so much float above the ground like the hoverboards on Back to the Future 2. Except our carpets don't work on water. But wasn't that a great movie? Michael J. Fox is soo dreamy." *end note* .

RadarX: In EverQuest 3 Lucan is going to show up in a DeLorean.

Patch Note: The appearance for the Breastplate of Nem Anhk now matches the rest of the Aegis of Nem Anhk item set.

Coyote: Wow, those Orcs are really on a redecorating kick eh? Grung eye for straight guy!

RadarX: That's right, keep poking! You hate us, it's FINE! I don't care! *sob* Yeah the blue and white, it just wasn't working. Sorry.

Coyote: You templars are just lucky that they nix'd my idea of "Nurses outfits".

RadarX: Healers are NOT nurses! We simply provide healing and relief to the wounded...

Coyote: Like nurses.

RadarX: Yes, like...nur-NO! Shut up!

Patch Note: Dark Elves everywhere rejoice! Numerous items with "Teir'dal" included in the name are now spelled correctly!

Coyote: Great, the Emo Elves have their own brand of cosmetics now. "Teir'Dal eyeliner", "Teir'Dal Lipgloss". They only come in black and blood red and can be found at the Hot Topic for $3.99 next to the spiked wrist bands. Quick Drizzt! Write me a poem about a black rainbow!

RadarX: I have a feeling Kiara might have spearheaded this campaign. What you guys don't have a SOE Spellcheck? Nice to know they do care about little stuff like this though.

Coyote: Now the Dark Elves have to roll their eyes and act like they don't care that it was fixed, all the while they're smiling on the inside. Complex little blueberries aren't they?

RadarX: Are you kidding? I doubt they even put down their journals of angst long enough to notice.

Patch Note: Lure of Innoruuk will no longer damage group members.

Coyote: Why can't we have Miracles like that in real life? If some preacher laid his healing hands on a granny in a wheelchair and her head exploded? You can bet your sweet ass I'd be sitting in the first pew with a Gallagher splatter shield next week.

RadarX: What?!? A miracle that actually hurts your group? Where can I sign up for this? I'm glad they fixed this, because it sounds like the only miracle here was your group not beating you for using it.

Coyote: It's INNORUUK. What did you expect? Old people walking and dancing in the aisles? I say "this miracle is working as intended".

RadarX: Well...no but a miracle usually means something good happens. Granted I'm sure Innoruuk got a laugh out of it...

Patch Note: Enhanced Macro System

Coyote: But they feel real.

RadarX: This was actually a really great change. Macros are a lot more functional and easier to create. I'm a little disappointed you can only macro two abilities at a time, but hey, it's better than typing in the commands.

Coyote: Um…yeah. Plus ya know. Big boobs.

RadarX: Yeah...boobs.

Patch Note: UI Moders can now use the 'child' property of an object to refer to a child object that has the same name as a property value. Example:
In the raid window, script cannot reference controls such as the text control Group1.Member1.Name because .Name refers to the name of the page Member1. The control can now be referenced using the syntax: Group1.Member1.child.Name .

Coyote: ....wow. Thanks for clearing that up for me. Without that example I'd be REALLY lost.

RadarX: I have no idea what the hell this is talking about. I have a feeling it involves stealth nerfing Templars though so STOP HATING US!

Coyote: I tried reading it again, but everytime I got to the word "member" I giggled.

RadarX: I read it again and still don't understand it. Congratulaions! You've won our WTF patch note award! Yay!

Patch Note: Players can further their quest of the Swords of Destiny by reading a book found within the Acadechism of Crushbone Keep.

Coyote: Wait for the movie, I hear its got Richard Grieco in it.

RadarX: Is it written by Prima? This installment thing is loved and hated by many people. As long as the story stays strong I'm going to continue to enjoy it.

Coyote: I love that the book is in Acadechism. Grung say "Take look. It in book. Reading Rainbow."

RadarX: They get some odd shows on PBS there... You think Sesame Street teaches to Orc children to not share.

Coyote: Wait, that's it? No more notes? These were the only ones worth making fun of?

RadarX: Sorry man, that's it we're done.

Coyote: NO! I just got started! I won't leave! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!! I REFUSE TO SAY GOODBYE!

RadarX: I'll take you to the strip club.

Coyote: Bye folks!!!!

*end*