Dancing Teenage Zombies a Go-Go

EQ2 Humor by: Coyote and Tony "RadarX" Jones

Hi! RadarX here. GU34 is going Live and it's time again for Coyote and I to unwillingly sit down and look at these patch notes. As always we're going to be completely honest what we think except this time I've tricked Coyote into believing this is a skin flick. Huh? No dude I didn't say tricked, I said picked. They picked you to screen this film. So let's go ahead and get this party started!

*** Misc Updates ***

- Chief Torturer Goortz and Jailor Qulkor now drop the Deathfist Citadel jail keys as corpse loot instead of treasure.



Coyote: Goortz is just a GOOD name for a Torturer. I mean if you are looking for a good torturer and you've narrowed your choices down to Torturer Goortz and Torturer Timmy? You're going with Goortz EVERY time.



RadarX: How is a key really treasure anyway?  [60-69 chat]  Thanks Ubah Guild!  [Deathfist Citadel Jail Key]!


Coyote: Makes more sense than a bird squeezin' out a treasure chest or a bug dropping chainmail I guess.


RadarX: I will take the bird giving a chest versus the alternative any day thanks.

- Alchemist Yallessul in Deathfist Citadel will no longer charm multiple players during his fight.



Coyote: During his fight? No. After hours, with some soft music, massage oil and aromatherapy candles? Multiple INDEED.


RadarX: I'm actually going to miss this a little.  There is nothing funnier than have the Zerker and the Brigand get charmed and go after the Inquisitor.  She never saw it coming..


Coyote: So..what you're saying is you fell for the charms of another man?


RadarX: I...I...saw 300 recently.

- Priest Kuzbak in Deathfist Citadel should now consume more power when using his "Blessing of Zek" spell.



Coyote: And it's going to go RIGHT to his thighs.


RadarX: Somehow I just don't see a "blessing" from Zek as a safe and positive thing.  It's like saying a blessing from the IRS.


Coyote: Just because you are an evil God doesn't mean that you can't be sensitive. 


RadarX: So can we expect him on the motivational speaker circuit teaching "Sensitivity in Human sacrifice?"

- The Censer of Oracles has been rescaled to the correct size in Deathfist Citadel.



Coyote: See? Size *does* matter. You get what I'm saying? Eh? I think you do. Awww yeah. Bow-chicka.



RadarX: This thing was HUGE.  It looked like a Frost Giant bedpan.




Coyote: Eww..I guess...if yer into THAT.



RadarX: You are the one with the Fae fetish!

- The effect from the Wraith Touched Necklace should no longer consume power when triggered.



Coyote: Touched by a Wraith would have TOTALLY ruled over "Touched by an Angel". 'Course, as I'm thinkin' about it, some of those chicks LOOKED like they were touched by a Wraith...



RadarX: Instead the necklace now only consumes your soul.



Coyote: And then they make you work Customer Support.



RadarX: SWG Customer Support

- Cap of Silent Incantations now uses the new Conjuror helm appearance.



Coyote: Instead of the "Propeller Beanie hat" graphic that was previously in place.


RadarX: Silent Incantations?  Is this a mime hat?


Coyote: You put it on and everyone hates you.


RadarX: But silently...

- Fixed an issue that was causing diety avatars to spawn less frequently than intended.



Coyote: And by "less frequently" we mean "Never".



RadarX: Boy between this and the loot changes the raiders are going to have to start looking harder to find something to complain about.



Coyote: What's that? You fixed EVERYTHING in the game that I hated? Um..that's great and all, but I switched to World of Warcraft about a month back..so..um...yeah.



RadarX: It's all part of a carefully crafted plot to lure them back. Hey you resubscibed, then BAM all raid content is now made groupable.

- Alchemist Yallessul's charm can now be resisted.



Coyote: Not according to THE LADIES. Awww yeah.



RadarX: There is nothing hotter than an...alchemist?



Coyote: It's the skin tight labcoat, chicks can't resist it.



RadarX: You realize a hot bartender isn't an alchemist right?

- Fixed an error allowing city aligned players to attack exiles while immune.



Coyote: The error oddly enough involved SNOWBALLS. *breaks down sobbing*



RadarX: Oh for...you are NOT the hero of Kelethin for discovering that!



Coyote: Were Fae dying because of snowballs? YES. Did my discovery change this? YES. So therefore my discovery stopped Fae from dying - I AM the Savior of the Fae.



RadarX: Those aren't paintings in your honor...they are wanted posters.  If the reward hits 50pp, we're going to take a ride.

- The raid window tooltips should once again display properly after moving people in the raid.



Coyote: Also added was the tooltip "Hey Casper, go outside and get some sun! You're legs are so pastey that the Elmer's Glue people are camping your doorstep!".



RadarX: That tooltip is currently in the version played in internet cafes.



Coyote: Internet Cafes! What could be more fun than using the same keyboard a hundred guys who can't afford a computer just used to look up porn?



RadarX: Eating while you are doing it?

*** Highlights ***

- A new mount is now available.  Talk to Heinrich in the Loping plains to get more details!



Coyote: Just watch how you word it. Talking to guys named "Heinrich" about "mounts" usually ends in ballgags and tears.



RadarX: I read the new mount will be the speed of a carpet and cost 10pp.  I wonder what else is included in that cost...



Coyote: Shame, Humilation, a greasy bottom and emotional scars that will never heal?



RadarX: You use way too much detail for someone who hasn't...let's move on.

- You can now share many of the quests in your quest journal with others!



Coyote: Whether they like it or NOT! Muahah. MUAHAHAHA.



RadarX: Great...so I can expect you to start sharing a quest from Forest Ruins every 5 minutes now?



Coyote: Hello RadarX, Coyote has shared [Scabby Herpes] with you. You now have [Scabby Herpes]. ...  ... That would rock. Our quests need better names.

*** Gameplay ***

- EoF Fabled and Legendary set piece distribution will now be based on the makeup of those who participate in the encounter.

Coyote: Participate? So no Ranger gear is gunna drop? Harsh.


RadarX: Did they even put Ranger gear in yet?  I thought I heard they were going to finish KoS class hats first.


Coyote: Wow. I found an Exploit before it even came live. What if you have a group just full of Necros? Then your Necro Gear is GUARENTEED going to drop. Right?


RadarX: No, you get a coupon for a last name title "Of Stupidity"

- Players who were originally citizens of Kelethin but then switched citizenship should now be allowed to return.



Coyote: Shouldn't that read "Should now be FORCED to return"?



RadarX: Wait...they've seen what a city with walls and buildings actually looks like and they want to go back?



Coyote: I miss my crappy acorn house and a city in the trees with no railings! I haven't fallen off anything in a MONTH! I have to go back!



RadarX: The Ewoks don't need a King, stay in Freeport or Qeynos.

- Tired of that ugly mummy or chubby ogre following you everywhere? Then try /pet hide.



Coyote: Wow /hurtful. Big is beautiful damnit.



RadarX: My ogre has feelings!  How would you like it if I said "Tired of those wordy Test notes?" *sob*



Coyote: Well maybe now we won't see that big ghosty flappy thing blocking our view. Who ever came up with that needs a one way ticked to Kicked-In-The-Nutsville.



RadarX: That thing creeps me out.  Is it a bird?  A spirit?  YOU WON'T GET MY SOUL!

- Some NPCs that both offer and update quests for a player should now have the book icon above their head instead of the feather.

Coyote: Okay. I giggled because I totally read this as "instead of the finger" which to be truthful would be an AWESOME icon.



RadarX: I guess that would be for people who had the wrong faction...

- Further enhancements have been made for server performance.



Coyote: They gave it breast implants. They don't actually DO anything but now the techs won't leave the server room so the response time is phenominal.



RadarX: Instead of dual core they are now using quad hamster processors to improve things.



Coyote: We fed it pictures of chicks and sat around with bras on our heads. Did you hook up the doll?



RadarX: Doll? Check!  Freakish electrical storm that prevents us from shutting it off?  Check!

*** Items ***

- Orclord Ringmail armor has been renamed Orclord Stalking.  All pieces are now properly flagged as leather and now have a more appropriate appearance.  (No stats or class requirements have been changed.)

Coyote: Leather Ringmail. Well, I guess it's not that different from the "Paper Plate" my usual tank wears.



RadarX: Orclord Stalking?  What is the chain version "Restraining Order?"


Coyote: Talk to Heinrich in the Loping plains to get more details! Tell'em Radar sent you!


RadarX: Ok the Swashbuckler hat doesn't REALLY make you a pimp you know....

- The Ribcage Scythe will now deal piercing damage and has had it's +slashing mod replaced with +piercing.



Coyote: No further information available as to how to properly pronounce the word "Scythe". Is it Sky-th? Sigh-th? Sith? Susan? Someone help a public school attendee out here.



RadarX: And which Dev had to sacrifice their ribcage for this weapon is also unknown.



Coyote: I could tell ya but someone already beat us to the exclusive.



RadarX: You are supposed to capitalize exclusive and throw in some exclamation marks.

- Deepforest Fistwraps can now be equipped by Bruisers and Monks.



Coyote: But only if they wear the matching wrist bracelets and headbands.



RadarX: This foils the Ranger plans for new DPS strategies.  Back to your bows.



Coyote: Since when are Rangers DPS?



RadarX: They gotta do something besides hide and make bird calls.

- The Crown of Enlightenment's trigger proc now works correctly.



Coyote: And the three people actually know what it IS are overjoyed.



RadarX: The MORE players these go to the better.



Coyote: What the hell is it? It sounds like something made out of glow sticks that a hippy would be wearing to a rave.



RadarX: Only if the "crown" is a bandana that Willie Nelson signed.

*** Quests ***

- All players above the level 20 can now assist Grot Leadarm in the quest, "Ill Communication" in the Butcherblock Mountains.

Coyote: There was a miscommunication in the communication quest?



RadarX: Grot Leadarm?  Are you sure the miscommunication wasn't his inability to speak English?

- Significantly reduced the number of Enchanted Adamantine Ore and Enchanted Azurite Capillaries that Toranim Skyblade and Gogas Afadin want for the Ghoulbane Empowered subquests.

Coyote: WE'RE SLASHING PRICES! EVERYTHING MUST GO! SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY AT CRAZY GOGAS! WHERE THE PRICES ARE INSANE!



RadarX: Azurite Capillaries?  Does this mean we can stop skinning Golems?


Coyote: Toranim Skyblade sounds like the name some 16 year old girl gives herself when she decides that because she's seen every episode of charmed she's now "Pagan".

- In Greater Faydark, the limecap mushrooms can now be harvested from a normal distance for the quest "Limecap Mushrooms".

Coyote: So stop humpin' up on the fungus you freaks.



RadarX: Who gets to define what is normal?  Maybe people like picking them up with their tongue.

- Temporary items given when you start a quest will now be stamped with the name of the Quest.



Coyote: "If lost return to Fangtooth Face'eater at 132 Death Street..."



RadarX: They will also be inserting a small microchip in all characters hands to track their movements...



Coyote: So will scouts with track now be GPS instead of DPS?



RadarX: Only if you spec your achievements down the OnStar line. 

- Citizens of Kelethin can now do the Ties That Bind in Antonica.



Coyote: Bondage Fairies are hot.



RadarX: ...



Coyote: Pierced wings, clothes pins on their antenna....oh baby.



RadarX: Seriously...stand over there.

PVP - You will now get a message to the general combat channel about why you have entered into combat.



Coyote: That message? "Because you have a tiny penis."



RadarX: Why you have entered combat?  Because you logged into a PvP server?



Coyote: And you have a tiny penis.



RadarX: What is your obsession with...you know what?  I don't wanna know. 

The Estate of Unrest: - Garanel's Shade will no longer break the counter with /yell.



Coyote: And thus was the beginning of the end for the Smurfs.



RadarX: The Rumbler and Garanel's Shade have both filled a defamation suit for being labeled an "exploit."



Coyote: Gargamel just needed a weedwacker. A weedwacker and a pet WOMBAT. I'm not sure what a wombat is, but I bet you ANYTHING that it would F*** up a Smurf.



RadarX: Who really needed to yell this encounter anyway?  Sure going around finding dwarf parts is kinda gross, but how often do you get to do that?

Broker - Containers can be flagged as 'Contents not for sale'.  This will hide the contents of the bag from any vender's sell window.

Coyote: Alright! We can FINALLY put items on the Broker that we have no intention of selling! YES! We...hey..wait.



RadarX: What the...but the broker sells....when you use the....


Coyote: I'm gunna have a yard sale of stuff I DON'T want to sell just to dick with my neighbors.


RadarX: I'm going to transfer to the SE server so I can put up my Brigand for "Not selling" dollars.

UI - Bags should no longer resize when you log in, from their previous size.



Coyote: Unless you log in slowly and arch your back while pouting, then it's anyone's call.



RadarX: If bags had been doing this previously, I'm buying new bags.



Coyote: Now I know where you've been keeping your Enzyte.



RadarX: Those are vitamins!

UI - You can now select the primary spell for a macro that contains multiple spell steps.  The icon tinting, reuse timer and tooltip are displayed for the primary spell.

Coyote: Who writes this stuff? The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in a red zone.



RadarX: This wins our WTF award of the month!  Congratulations! You've won this lovely gold "?"

Coyote: These were just the previews right?



RadarX: Ummm yeah sure...you wait right here and I'm going to get some popcorn. See you folks!