Big Trouble in Little Patch Notes

EQ2 Humor by: Coyote and Tony "RadarX" Jones

Hi! RadarX here again. GU35 is hitting Live servers and Coyote and I once again are being forced to sift through the Test notes as part of a cruel experiment. Expect the same brutal honesty we always provide because we stick it to the man...when he's not looking. Coyote is...eating his fifth box of Milk Duds. This might be dangerous.

*** Tradeskills ***

- Players can speak with Kelryne V'Ziath in Neriak to learn a recipe for Chocolate Cookies of Seething Malice.



RadarX: Those are what Girl scouts deliver if you DON'T buy their thin mints.

Coyote: It's better than the cherry cheesecake of getting kicked in the nuts, but only on par with the cupcakes of nipple twisting.



RadarX: Those cupcakes are expensive too and the girl that delivers them wears a mask. I just said that outloud didn't I?

Coyote: Bring out the gimp....and the cookies.

- Players using the metalworking skill will now see sparks fly when their hammer hits the tongs (on most graphics settings).



RadarX: Previously this was only possible by pouring Mountain Dew into your monitor.



Coyote: For that graphically intense, white knuckle tight, on the edge of your seat....tradeskilling.



RadarX: Tradeskilling can be extremely dangerous, those looms can take an arm off. Did you see Denmother when they removed chocolate?



Coyote: SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY at the Qeynos METRODOME! WE HAVE PEOPLE WEAVING SHIRTS! COOKIES BY THE DOZEN! You can buy the whole seat, but you'll only need the EEEEDDDGGGE!

*** Housing ***

- It is now much easier to move houses! Just go to the new house and purchase it. Your old house will be relinquished automatically and all of your items will move to your new house.



RadarX: This is a great change and will eliminate a huge headache associated with upgrading your housing. Hopefully unlike real movers, things won't get lost.



Coyote: Hopefully unlike real movers you won't catch them wiping their ass with your pillow case or doing armpit farts with your toothbrush....



RadarX: Maybe this will teach you not to hire "kids down the street" to move stuff.



Coyote: They seemed so credible after the cookies.

- When you enter your house for the first time, you will notice a moving crate on the floor.

Coyote: Now get the F*** out!



RadarX: If the moving crate has large holes in the side, just back away.



Coyote: Fra-gee-lay...huh. Must be Italian.

- You can move it around and retrieve items from it, but it cannot be picked up or destroyed.

Coyote: Unless you and 8 buddies take it to the fires of Mount Doom. Whining kid from "The Good Son" not included. See order form for details.



RadarX: Your Elijah Wood fetish is disturbing.



Coyote: It's his EYES. Why does he always look like he's about to cry? It just makes me want to give him something TO cry about.

- Items in the moving crate count towards your total item count in your house, but do not provide status cost reduction and are not useable. Items cannot be put into the moving crate.The moving crate will disappear when all items are removed from it.



Coyote: Do NOT taunt Happy Fun Crate.

*** Zones ***

- Players can now reside in the city of Neriak



RadarX: Let the cutting and poetry readings begin!



Coyote: The zone has 17 Hot Topics and 11 Starbucks because NOTHING says "brooding evil" like a Black Spiderman T-shirt and a Mocha Frappichino.



RadarX: To welcome new citizens they'll have a free screening of "Finding Emo" at the theater house.



Coyote: And when you find him he'll cry and cut his gimpy fin.

- New adventures await low level characters in Darklight Woods.

RadarX: The first of which is to figure out how woods can be dark and light at the same time.



Coyote: All quests begin by hailing the tallshort fatskinny NPC.



RadarX: Some of the quest rewards are: Staff of Stabbing, the Transparent Shield, and a backpack with 0 slots.



Coyote: Act now and we'll throw in some complimentary no calorie weight gain powder!

- You should now be able to find Askadian in the Emerald Halls.

RadarX: The question everyone is asking is why are we looking for Askadian?



Coyote: Oddly enough, the Emerald Halls? Blue. Not emerald at all. Yeah, blue. Cerulean even.



RadarX: Everyones best guess is this has to do with Swords of Destiny. I think SOE is just trying to annoy raid guilds and it's very entertaining.



Coyote: Is that like the Wheel of Destiny from the Man Show?

-Creatures that add to assist Mayong in Castle Mistmoore can no longer be stolen by another raid group by using aggro.

RadarX: Which leaves guilds waiting for you to screw up Mayong with nothing better to do but ridicule you.



Coyote: They also fixed the bug where Mayong would raise his sword to the sky, scream "BY THE POWER OF MISTMOORE! I..HAVE...THE POWER!" and turn into a metrosexual blonde bodybuilder in bondage gear.



RadarX: You had a seriously disturbing cartoon channel growing up...



Coyote: Yeah, 'cause I'm the only one here who was damaged by He-man's package.

***Skills and Abilities***

-The minimum skill required to use Longshadow Evidence has been lowered to 2.

RadarX: What IS this? I think the Devs are just screwing with people. "Hey lets throw in a random test note to throw people off.



Coyote: It's ABOUT time they fixed this! And people say the bug reporting and customer service doesn't listen. THERE is your proof people! Lowered by TWO!



RadarX: Sadly the players were most likely asking for a reduction to 5. Now all the hardcore Longshadow Evidence users will complain.



Coyote: Then those players should be shot and killed. I may not know anything about this topic, but I can still feel strongly about it!

-Hate Position abilities are now more reliable than they previously were at causing an enemy to change targets to account for the change in hate positions.

RadarX: Great! I have to be honest, it's been difficult to grief tanks by stealing aggro using my hate position increasing CA.



Coyote: I can see it now;

"I just taunted you off!"

"What? No you didn't!"

"I did! I totally did!"

"No, no you didn't!"

"Did you take into account the change in hate positions?"

"..no. Hang on. Carry the one...yeah..yeah, you're right. You just totally taunted me off."

"See? Told you!"



And then they kiss. Slowly.



RadarX: Give me the milkduds...right now.

-The /target command will no longer work unless you can see the mob in question.

RadarX: The "moronic targetting whatever mob they want and attacking" fix should be worked on next.



Coyote: /target is still better than /wal-mart. I like to say "Tar'jhay" 'cause it sounds FANCY.



RadarX: I hope you are getting paid for that...



Coyote: Product placement FOR THE WIN! *sips a Pepsi*

*** Spells ***

-The Mystic spell 'Shadowy Attendant' will now summon the correct pet.

RadarX: Meaning Pokemon all over the world will stop disappearing.



Coyote: Before it just summoned the two valets from Ferris Bueller's Day Off who would take your mount and beat the living hell out of it before putting it back unnoticed. They were pretty Shadowy.



RadarX: Have you ever tried rolling back the odometer on a spirit steed? It's not where you think it would be...



Coyote: Go wash your hands. Now.

-The Wizard spell 'Accord' will not apply hate increase to non-fighters

RadarX: Basically this spell grants a group member a potential power increase when they are damaged. A hate increase was associated with it which probably played havoc if it wasn't on the tank.



Coyote: ...yeah. What you said, but you know..with the word "fart" in there a couple of times.

-An issue causing arrows to not be consumed if Quick Shot was triggered has been fixed.

RadarX: Sorry Legolas, your bow ain't magic.



Coyote: Bows USE ARROWS?!? What kind of BS is this?! Hehe..Rangers. They all want Hank's bow from the DnD cartoon. WELL YER NOT GETTING IT YOU LEOTARD WEARING SQUIRREL HUMPERS! AHAHAHAHA!



RadarX: You know damn well we all had that bow when we played Dungeons and Dragons. Nobody "bought" arrows.



Coyote: Every once in a while the GM would be like "Um..did you reload that crossbow?" and throw everyone off. DnD Crossbows are like guns in Hollywood, if a 6 shooter can't fire 12 bullets, than what good is it?

*** PvP ***

-Reduced the pvp stun duration for the crown of enlightenment.

RadarX: So many tweaks to this item over the last few updates... you'd think it was a Ranger item.



Coyote: Rangers don't PVP per se, they kinda just VP or P.



RadarX: Rangers are DPS masters and can own in PvP. Unfortunately most of them are lost in the Antonican woods.



Coyote: "Will you just stop and ask for directions." "DAMN IT DELORAS! I HAVE TRACK! I'm a GOD DAMN RANGER!"

*** Quests ***

-The 'Tie That Binds' quests have been removed from the game. All new players will receive the 'Set Recall Point' ability at the same time that they receive their 'Call of???' ability. Players currently on these quests will find them auto-completed. Existing characters who have not started these quests will be granted the 'Set Recall Point' ability instantly.

Coyote: So bondange just got easier for the new users? Awww yeah.



RadarX: How do you DO that...make recall points dirty?



Coyote: In-YOUR-endo. Up high, The Todd style!

-Changed text of dialog in the mage writ class to correctly refer to Krulkiel Trackers instead of Krulkiel Marauders.

RadarX: This ending a months long battle for the trackers to be recognized as a legitimate form of Krulkiel.



Coyote: Krulkiel! Krulkiel! We made you out of clay, and when you're dry and ready, Krulkiel we will play! Oi!!

-Objects clicked to give Legend & Lore quest books will no longer become inactive for a brief time before allowing the next player to use them.

RadarX: I'm not sure why there ever was a delay. I mean you can't get more than one of the books right?



Coyote: I...I...I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO READ!



RadarX: Which explains why you are still working on the Dwarven Workboots quest...



Coyote: RUCKSIF! It's dwarven for Buckfutter.

-Players can now kill the Adherants, Hellhounds, and Vampires wherever they find them for credit toward "The Stiletto's Thirst' quest in the Bloodline Chronicles.

RadarX: This does give 4 more zones all of which are level 60+ to...finish a 40-45ish quest?



Coyote: Woohoo! I wonder if Mayong counts? Get it? COUNTS?



RadarX: One! One bad pun...ah! ah! ahhhh...



Coyote: Wow, that bites. I mean it sucks. HA! HA! Shecky shecky shecky! *honks a horn*

*** Items ***

-New merchants have arrived in all major cities offering musical instruments for your fun and entertainment.

RadarX: New NPC's have also been added to administer ass kickings and new titles like "Wuss" and "Pansy" can be used.



Coyote: And this one time, at band camp, I shoved a tuba in my...



RadarX: I'm really more curious about this. Will you be able to make your own music? How long before someone writes a guide on how to play the Legend of Zelda song?



Coyote: Wow..even in game yer a band geek.

-Symmetry III now properly adds +15 damage in addition to healing.

RadarX: Unfortunately those are both added to the mob you are attacking.



Coyote: It hurts and heals. I had a doctor like that once. He was fond of using leeches.



RadarX: Is this the "doctor" who was going to cut off your foot for an infected hangnail?



Coyote: We won't even get into his hemmoroid treatments.

-Wu's Intercession will now trigger properly from the Gloves of Whispered Echoes.

RadarX: Whispered...Echoes but...loud...the echo...I...



Coyote: Now available in Darklight Woods. Not to be confused with the Gloves of Silent Shouting...

-The Crescent Moon Skullcap will no longer vanish after zoning.

RadarX: The ultimate practical joke from SOE. Here is your hat...just kidding. No seriously....just kidding.



Coyote: Two mobs playing keep away with it while you run frantically back and forth whining "Come on guys!" until they get bored and toss it in a tree....



RadarX: It's a skullcap anyway. What kind of armor is that? My head would've been compltely bashed in if it weren't thanks to my trusty skullcap.



Coyote: I dunno..it worked for Zorg in the Fifth Element. And Ming the Merciless.

-The chance for a chest to drop 2 of the same item has been lowered substantially.

RadarX: Somewhere a raid guild is crying...



Coyote: Unless you've pissed off the Dev's with your negativity and whining. Then the chest is going to drop 50 "leather skullcaps" and the sound of it opening is going to be prerecorded laughter.



RadarX: I've been asking for them to increase the number of Adept 1's in chests like that.



Coyote: High end raid ornate chest dropping an Adept would be like Christmas without my Uncle getting drunk and punching my Grandmother.

RadarX: Looks like we're out of notes finally.



Coyote: What? You promised this had naked chicks in it...

RadarX: Oh..it uh does. It's kind of like scrambled movies...you have to squint. Try it, I'm going to go...something something.



Coyote: *squints* I didn't realize Laurel and Hardy did adult films... Bye folks!