"EQ2 Interviews: Askadian Adakus"

EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue

"Repetition." A large cat man holding a microphone looks intently into the camera as he speaks the single word. "Large raid forces encounter this on a daily basis. While the journey is enjoyable, the destination is the focus - and when you've completed the same tasks, fought the same beasts, and solved the same puzzles, even the promise of that destination can lose it's luster." The Kerran explains as he hefts his microphone.

"But what if there was a way past the monotony of familiar combat? What if there was a way to shorten your journey and reach your destination at a quicker pace? Well, now there is. This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news bringing you this true story." The reporter finishes with a smile as he moves towards a small goat man who stands nearby.

"Joining me today is Askadian Adakus, Guardian of those paths so often traveled by groups and raids looking for adventure and glory. Askadian, can you please explain what it is that you do?" Coyotee asks as he holds the microphone closer to the small figure.

"Explain? No Coyotee, I will SHOW you." He laughs in a nasally voice while looking off in the distance.

A large raid force of gnomes slowly approaches as they look over the Satyr and the Kerran in confusion. After a long moment one of the Gnomes steps forward and hails the goat man.

"Hail, Askadian." The lead gnome says hesitantly as the Satyr smiles.

"Greetings adventurer! Long and well traveled has been your road. Time and time again you've come here facing foe and combat, and thus...you have earned your reward." Askadian booms in official tones as the Gnomes whisper amongst themselves.

"What..kind of reward?" The lead Gnome asks causing Askadian to laugh slightly.

"A shortcut!" Askadian announces to the delight of the group. "You simply have to meet my challenge, and if you are victorious, the path before you will be clear and you shall travel unmolested!" He explains.

"And..what is this challenge?" The Gnome asks.

"COMBAT! Singular combat! I shall pick one of you, and if you best me without aid from your friends, then the path will be open to you! Send forth your Guardian!" Askadian laughs cockily as he cracks his neck and shifts from hoof to hoof. The raid party nods in acceptance of his decree and slowly part, allowing their Guardian to move to the head of the group.

Askadian's eyes widen as a hulking Ogre Guardian steps forward, easily pushing through the crowd of Gnomes. His armor is as black as night and adorned with wicked looking spikes that gleam dangerously in the flickering torch light.

"Holy hell." Askadian says in a small voice as he looks up at the warrior who meets his gaze with an angry growl.

"YOU are the GNOME GUARDIAN?!" The Satyr asks nervously as he looks over the massive brute before him.

"Adopted." The Ogre grunts as he looks around. "We fight now!" The Ogre snarls as he hefts his weapon.

"Wait. WAIT! I...I didn't s-say GUARDIAN." Askadian laughs nervously as the gnomes look amongst themselves in confusion. "I..I said SWASHBUCKLER. Swashbuckler. Yeah..that's it." He says with another forced laugh as the reporter frowns.

"Actually, you said Guar-" Coyotee starts, but is instantly cut off by Askadian kicking him roughly in the knee.

"No. I said SWASHBUCKLER." He says in a loud clear voice. "Bring on your SWASHBUCKLER." Askadian commands as the Ogre frowns and moves to the back of the raid party.

Smiling nonchalantly as he looks awkwardly at his watch, Askadian looks around as he waits for the Swashbuckler to move to the front of the group. After a long moment the crowd parts once again as the same black armor clad Ogre moves to the front of the group. However, now instead of a helm he wears a feathered Swashbuckler's hat.

"Um...aren't..aren't you that Guardian?" Askadian asks hesitantly as he looks around for support.

The Ogre growls and points to his feathered hat.

"Right...Swashbuckler's hat." The Satyr swallows hard as his eyes dart around nervously. Spying a white robed Gnome in the front of the pack, Askadian quickly points at the figure.

"YOU! What do you do?" He asks hurriedly.

"Me?" Says the surprised gnome. "Um.. Illusionist." He says with a proud smile as his friends cheer him on.

"PERFECT!" Askadian howls as he throws his head back. "BRING FORTH YOUR ILLUSIONIST! FOR I CHALLENGE HIM!" He commands in a loud roar.

Rolling up his sleeves the Illusionist grins and begins casting a spell.

"Hehe. Me KNEW “Illusion Gnome” good investment!!" The small man laughs as he morphs into a hulking Ogre and prepares to unleash his spell.

"WAAAAAAAAAIIIIIITTT!" The goat man howls, stopping the Illusionist in mid cast. The raid group looks confused as they turn to Coyotee who simply shrugs.

"Congratulations mighty warriors, you have bested our challenge." Askadian booms in official tones.

"But they didn't DO any-" Coyotee tries to point out but is cut off by the goat man's speech.

"For your bravery and prowess in combat, the path you seek is now clear. Travel well adventurers." Askadian finishes with a flourish bow.

"Cool! He's BUGGED!" A bunch of the Gnomes laugh in triumph as they run past the guardian towards their adventures leaving the Satyr and the reporter alone once again.

Askadian offers a meek smile as he shrugs slightly.

"You are such a pansy." Coyotee says in disdain as he turns towards the camera.

"Feh, when it's YOUR job to get your ass kicked on a daily basis, THEN you can judge me hairball." Askadian scoffs as the reporter ignores him.

"Shortcuts - Everyone enjoys them, but in the end do they cheapen the experience? Even if it's one you've encountered countless times? Is the destination truly worth more than the destination?" Coyotee asks, drawing another dry laugh from the Satyr.

"It is if it involves me NOT getting my ass kicked by a friggin' Gnome." The goat man mumbles under his breath, causing the reporter's eye to twitch slightly.

"This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news. Back to you Tom and Diane." Coyotee finishes as he walks off camera in disgust.

"Don't you judge me!" Askadian screams after him as the camera slowly fades to black. "DON'T YOU JUDGE ME! I LIVED THROUGH GU 13! DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!" Can be heard as the scene finally cuts to static.

*end*