SOE Fan Faire, 2007 - Coyote in Las Vegas

EQ2 Humor by Coyote Sharptongue

Ahhh Fan Faire. As it quickly approaches I find myself growing giddy with anticipation; however this giddiness isn’t exactly mirrored by the fine folks here at Ten Ton Hammer.

In fact, one could say that me, simply being..well – me, makes them more than a tad bit nervous.

After sitting me down and duct-taping me to a chair as to keep my attention from wandering, they decided that it would be in my best interest to lay down some “ground rules” of what I am allowed to do in Las Vegas as a Ten Ton Hammer representitive…

…and what I am absolutely, under penalty of torture involving zippo lighters and trained rats, NOT allowed to do, attempt, think about , or even giggle silently to myself in thought of doing.

This is what was decided.

“Things That Coyote Needs To Be Reminded NOT To Do At Las Vegas Fan Faire:”

* Sneaking over to the Vanguard Booth late at night and putting "Police Tape" around it before quickly calling CSI to examine a corpse - is not funny.

* If I gamble and win I am *never* allowed to say "Man, they're right - counting cards IS easy" as I scoop in my winnings.

* Do not ask everyone in costume "Which World of Warcraft character are YOU supposed to be?"

* Two words - Dance Fight.

* I should not assume that every woman I see - regardless of age, occupation, or situation, works at the "Bunny Ranch", and ask to see the menu.

* I cannot stand in front of the elevator and claim that I am a heroic encounter that one must defeat in battle before entering the mines of Zek.

* I cannot talk to, approach, or impersonate anyone famous.

* I am not allowed to leave anymore paper "Shinies" ("?") laying around for people to "harvest" with things like "Your Virginity - You already have this collection item" and "As you bent over to collect this, I took a picture of your ass" written on them.

* I can’t take pictures of anyone's ass.

* I am no longer allowed to point out what part of my anatomy that anyone's facial hair reminds me of, regardless of how striking the similarities.

* No, no one wants me to "prove it".

* No wearing my T-shirt with Mister Spock flipping the bird on the back and "Star Wars SUCKS" on the front as I visit the SWG booths.

* The saying is "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" not "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas for a price".

* I am not with Hotel Security, regardless of the number of T-shirts that I own that suggest otherwise.

* It is called "walking into the men's room" not "zoning into an instance" and no one in the "zone" wants to make a trade at this time.

* No offering Matrix Online players a red jellybean or blue jelly bean -they're already on the edge, and it's not my job to help them over.

* Commenting to a Dev who just lost a LOT of money gambling that the casino games are "working as intended" will not win me friends.

* Those who are eagerly awaiting "Gods and Heroes" do not need to be reminded that a game featuring "oiled up, muscle bound Greek men" seems "perfectly straight" to me.

* People who play Planetside will not respond kindly to "So, couldn't hack it in Counter-Strike eh?", so stop before I start.

* "There can be only one" is not our site's slogan, and I am not allowed to challenge any other site representative to a "fight to the death" in order to reinforce that slogan.

* I don't have to accept EVERY drink offered to me.

* My DKP has no "real world" value and cannot be used to buy into any casino games.

* Dropping a penny from the top of the Rio will not "cut a person in half" but it will get me kicked out and possibly arrested.

* Throwing a handful of coins at someone when they win on the slot machines does not help create that "gigglegibber" feeling.

* Anyone with a badge cons higher than I do and should be considered "aggro".

* I am not allowed to record any SOE employee using the restroom for a “monsterous poopy” and then play back that recording as a "direct quote" from that person on a pod cast.

* The hotel elevators are not "The Tardis" and wearing a scarf in August, in Vegas, is suicide.

* We are not filming Oceans 14, and I am not George Clooney.

* It does not matter that I play Kerrans in EverQuest II - Siegfried and Roy have never "repressed my people".

* Hardcore Raiders are never to be referred to as the "Uber Virgins".

* If I want to gamble, I have to go to the casino - I am not allowed to start my own wagers based on people's weight, relative I.Q. or number of estimated same-sex sexual encounters.

* "But they laughed" is not a valid excuse for anything that involves the police or hotel security, and I should not let laughter encourage me.

* Brenlo does not need a bullhorn, and while yes; it is a thoughtful gift - I probably can't get it on the plane anyway.

* An iPod and its earbuds are not a new type of "stethoscope" and I am not allowed to give breast exams.

* As funny as it seems, yelling out a person's in-game race as they walk by COULD offend people, especially the ones that really DO look like Ogres.

* A Warp Core Breach is a drink, not something I have "in my pants".

* When asking for another card in blackjack, the correct term is "Hit me" not "Dots, MORE DOTS!".

* No one really hits you in blackjack, and dealers have heard that joke a million times.

* Getting poker chips is not "buying plat", and it doesn't need to be reported it to anyone.

* The original "Everquest" is NOT "just EverQuest II for crappy computers" and is still a fun game on its own.

* Playing craps with "20-siders" is technically cheating, and definitely not allowed.

Should I agree to, and follow all of these rules to the best of my ability, then with luck - We'll see you all at Fan Faire. Should I *not* follow all of these rules to the best of my ability....

...we'll have a LOT more fun.

-Coyote