Beware The Shard of Fear
EQ2 Humor By Coyote
"The Shard of Fear. A glimpse into a nightmarish plane of raining blood and pools of gore that offers painful and certain death to any who'd dare enter." A large cat man holding a microphone stands in front of a large swirling portal. A single gigantic bloody eye looks downward upon the reporter as he continues his broadcast.
"But what dangers lurk on the other side? What horrors await to greet those who venture into this land of terror? We're about to find out. This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer news bringing you the TRUE story." The Kerran introduces as he steps slightly away from the portal and towards a blood covered human warrior.
"Standing with me today is local Berserker, "Fearless" Malachi Ironfist. A local legend in deed and accomplishment, he stands here today to warn any who would enter of their fate should they cross the threshold of this mystical doorway." Coyotee explains as he nods his head towards the warrior.
Cleaning his armor furiously, it is evident that the man has seen a recent and bloody battle. Pausing only briefly in his grim task, he grunts a greeting towards the Kerran reporter.
"Mister Ironfist, do you have any advice for adventurers who wish to follow in your footsteps?" Coyotee asks with a grin as he holds the microphone towards the fighter.
"Yeah, DON'T go in there! It's insane." The man admonishes with a shake of his head. Wiping the blood off of his armor.
"Could you...define insane?" Coyotee asks for clarification as he grins in admiration at the bloodied warrior before him.
Looking up at the reporter and laughing ruefully, Malachi spits as he turns towards the news man.
"Insane? How about the fact that there are no maps man! NO MAPS! You have like NO idea where you are going, it is SUICIDE in there!" Malachi explains in exasperation as he glances over his shoulder at the sinister looking portal behind him.
Glancing nervously towards the entryway to the Shard of Fear Coyotee flickers a glance towards the battered warrior as he keeps a watchful eye on the swirling vortex.
"So it is full of dense underbrush or choked with trees to the point where you can't see a path or road?" The reporter asks in nervous awe as he darts his gaze quickly to the blood spattered fighter.
Blinking in surprise, Malachi stops dabbing at the blood on his armored sleeve and looks up at Coyotee.
"Uh..No.. No..pretty wide open. Nice paths, really well done." He explains, obviously a bit impressed. "Trees have these freaky weird eyeball thingies on them though. We lost our Ranger TWICE as he tried to examine them, harvest them, or activate them in some way. Turns out? Just eyeballs. Heh." Malachi chuckles slightly as he resumes cleaning his armor.
Not understanding, Coyotee look back at the portal before turning fully towards the fighter.
"So..there are paths? Where do they lead?" The cat man asks as he holds the microphone out towards Malachi.
"How the HELL should I know?" The warrior asks angrily as he looks up from his task. "Exactly WHAT part of "NO MAPS AVAILABLE" didn't you get? No one has mapped it out. There is nothing! Those roads could lead ANYWHERE!" He points out as he throws his arms out in frustration.
"Then..uh..why don't you, you know...follow them." Coyotee asks slowly as he tries to follow the gore covered man's logic.
"Without a map? Just ..follow..the path and explore the zone? By ourselves?" Malachi asks in disbelief.
"Um. Yeah." The report affirms, smiling weakly.
"ARE YOU FRIGGING NUTS? That could take HOURS! I don't have time for that nonsense! I want to jump in, get my quests, follow some instructions, whip through the puzzles and -" The fighter's tirade is cut short as he is interrupted by the reporter.
"Puzzles? What kind of puzzles?" Coyotee asks eagerly as he holds out the microphone and grins widely.
"Oh. Feh. NO clue there man. None." Malachi admits as he looks over his shoulder again at the entrance to the Shard. " Uh..some big lizard things, an altar, something to do with blood and hearts - there's not a write up on it yet, so we left it alone. Ted was already down about half his armor." He chuckles as he gestures over to a blood coated Half-Elf who sadly kicks at a broken bow on the ground before him.
"You didn't try to solve the puzzle?" The feline reporter asks in confusion as he watches the Ranger prod sadly at his destroyed fire arm.
"Wow. You really don't get it do you?" Malachi asks with an incredulous shake of his head. "Look. There are no write ups. No walk-thrus. No handy-dandy notebooks. Nothing. We would have had to figure out the puzzles on our own. Do you know how LONG that takes?" He asks rhetorically as he rolls his eyes at cat man.
"But couldn't you at least...try?" Coyotee asks, his words only bringing more exasperation and head shakes from the fighter.
"Twice. TWICE to eyeball trees." Malachi points out as he points to the still mourning Ranger. "Do we really look equipped to figure out some creepy blood fountain alter thing?" He sneers as he tosses his blood soaked washrag towards the Ranger.
As he chuckles ruefully to himself the fighter notices that Coyotee is slowly approaching the portal with his news crew following apprehensively.
"Wait! Where the HELL are you going?" Malachi Ironfist calls out as the reporter turns and looks back with a smile.
"We're going to peek our head in, explore around a bit." He answers with a mischievous grin as the news crew slowly begins to step through the portal.
"WHAT?!?" The fighter cries out in shock as he throws his hands in the air. "Didn't you just listen to a SINGLE WORD I SAID? No maps! No walk-thrus...eyeball trees...EYEBALL TREES!" He screams after them as one by one the news crew steps through vortex and into the Shard of Fear.
Rolling his eyes in disgust as the camera turns towards him before stepping through, Malachi shakes his head and returns to cleaning his armor.
"What a bunch of frigging noobs." The warrior spits in contempt as the camera man disappears through the portal and the news broadcast quickly cuts to static.