Santa Versus The Patch Notes

With Frostfell right around the corner SOE has given us the greatest gift of all - more patch notes to mock. So join us as we delve into GU# 41and never wonder once why our game crashes with the message "Who is laughing now funny boy?" or we seem to fall through the world more than most.

Adventurers have recently discovered strange, reflective shards in various of the more dangerous dungeons around Norrath. After intensive research and experimentation, Norrath's tradeskill societies have discovered a way to work this magical metal into a mirror with unique, soul-capturing abilities. High level crafters in good standing with their respective tradeskill societies will be able to acquire this recipe from their city's local tradeskill faction merchant.
Coyote: I hear if you say "Bloody Mary" into it three times a hobbit jumps out and kicks you in the nads.
RadarX: Wait a second... are we so out of ideas for collection quests we are picking up broken glass?
Coyote: There's a lone Barbarian over looking through the trash strewn plains. A single tear rolls down his woad stained cheek...
RadarX: Woad stained?  Seriously? Someone just finished their classical writings collection quest...
Coyote: ....would "inky blue" been an easier description for ya there Cletus?

You can now store an Achievement Profile in your home, using a device crafted from a primary component obtained in high level dungeons. You can store one profile per device, and they are usable from within your own home. The finished device cannot be traded and will need to be crafted using the commission crafting system if you are not yourself a high level crafter.  (See the tradeskills forum for reminders on how commission crafting works.)
Coyote: Some restrictions apply, offer only good in participating cities, side effects may include....
RadarX: Ok am I going to walk in peoples houses and see like clones of their bodies in little tubes because if so?  That is friggin AWESOME!
Coyote: If your profile lasts for more than four hours or becomes painful, consult your doctor immediately.
RadarX: I think I got that offer in an email the other day,  but it was horribly misspelled.

Linguists of Norrath, rejoice! The militaristic language of the Gorowyn Sarnak, Gorwish, is now available for purchase! Check with a nearby language vendor to see if they have managed to find the new Gorwish Language Primer.
Coyote: Funny, she doesn't LOOK Gorwish.
RadarX: Speaking the language unfortunately does not prevent the spitting an hissing associated with Sarnak languages.
Coyote: Achoo! Bless you! Naw, that's my name man. Ah-choo.

You can now resist the damage done by most lava.  Be careful!  Some areas of lava may be more potent than others.
Coyote:....who is going to test this? Hey look! I can resist THIS lava, and THIS one he-*vaporized*
RadarX: Yeah the Devs aren't screwing with people.  Hey you can now resist damage from this level 80 Epic X4...no seriously!  Go try it!  *snort*  He's...*snicker* perfectly tame.
Coyote: Great, the Devs are getting kickbacks from the Menders. "No really, Ogres can fly - but only from REALLY high up! Try it!"
RadarX: Apparently the money sinks aren't working so they are thinking outside the box.  Next we can expect "We've removed the breathing underwater mechanic...even though you still see the blue bar you can TOTALLY breath under water now. Really."

Chests containing items less than Fabled will no longer appear exquisite, even when they do have Fabled-quality coin rewards.
Coyote: Instead they will appear "craptastic" and emit a sound similar to "awwwww" so you don't have to.
RadarX: That's one thing I've never understood.  You set expectations with a nice box.  When I'm getting the cloth pants of  +25 poo I expect it to drop in a brown shopping bag. 
Coyote: Aww..someone left a flaming cheese box on my front door step!
RadarX: Don't put it out with your boots...

Casting a beneficial spell on a hostile target without a target should now target the caster instead.
Coyote: Unless that target's target has been targeted by another target.
RadarX: What the...how am I casting a...on the target with no...
Coyote: It's like that scene from Super Troopers. "Did you just say Target?" "Did I say TARGET? Am I wearing a red shirt boy? Am I offering you savings on already low prices? Am I runnin' around all nimbly pimbly with a dog with a red circle around his eye?"
RadarX: These are the views and brand choices of Coyote and not reflective of Ten Ton Hammer, it's other employees, or Wal-Mart.

Drag will no longer allow you to drag "stationary" objects.
Coyote: Pull will no longer allow you to pull them either. Push is right out.
RadarX: And don't even bring shove into this because we know how that story ends...
Coyote: You try wiggle and we will break every bone in your frigging hand.

Conjurors and Necromancers will now receive a new spell to shrink their primary pets' size.
Coyote: That spell is entitled "Cold water" and has the effect "shrinkage".
RadarX: I'm just curious why the need to shrink pets.  It's hard to find a zombie that is only 18 inches tall nearly as menacing.
Coyote: *drools and moans* Aaaaankles....aaaaankles....
RadarX: Oh god an army of miniature zombies crawling up your bed while you slept?  *shudder* 

Fixed an issue with Swashbucklers' Sleight of Hand and added additional hate reduce or hate gain for the target of the spell.
Coyote: Hate reduce if she's into your sneaky lil' hands, hate gain if yer drunk and she's actually an angry biker guy with a name like "Snake".
RadarX: And next week on "What Coyote did Last Friday..."
Coyote: Sleight of Hand for hate reduction. "I know we're in the middle of combat Mister Dragon, but....what's THIS behind you ear? IS THAT A QUARTER?!"
RadarX: And after THAT we’ll show you what Coyote used for a left hand...

Troubadour 'of Magnetism' Set: Armor set now increases the proc effect by the mentioned amount, 5% upgrade should be visible on equip.
Coyote: A Troub with a "of magnetism" set? Mag-Note-o? HA!
RadarX: Great work...you realize that person will be running along with Tinkerball in GF next week right?
Coyote: Ha! You think being a bad influence is easy work?
RadarX: Yes...yes I do.  It's almost natural.

Items with the effect Assassin's Thirst no longer grant a base 2% increase to combat art damage.  They now add +35 to combat art damage.
Coyote: But yer still thirsty.
RadarX: And an Assassin.
Coyote: And probably a Ratonga. You my friend are the trifecta of suck.
RadarX: And named Druzzt. So you are the...quad...fecta...of...shut up!

You now have color choice when selecting your cockatrice pet.  If you have already claimed your cockatrice you can examine it to choose a new one.
Coyote: It is ABOUT TIME! I vowed to stop playing the game until they fixed this, and by gods they LISTENED!
RadarX: Hehehehe...cockatrice...hehe.  Oh what?
Coyote: What...is your favorite cockatrice? Blue! No! Yelloooooooooooooooooooooo...

Cockatrice housepets now have additional interactions.
Coyote: For those lonely, LONELY nights farming.
RadarX: Ewwww... I hope they put in our suggestions including /poo on floor *crosses fingers*
Coyote: Our suggestion Mister Fecalpheliac? Yer the one with count'em, TWO poo references already...
RadarX: Keep laughing, let's remember who made the first comments in the "cockatrice" notes.

The Pocket Golem will no longer be quite as powerful as it once was.
Coyote:......but you should still probably wash it after every use, 'cause....ew.
RadarX: How powerful WAS a pocket golem to begin with?  I mean...it's in your pocket.
Coyote: Oh he's powerful. DAMN powerful....yet...surprisingly gentle.
RadarX: Just....ew.

The Mace of the Eluded and The Lava Etched Leaf Blade are now classified as One Handed.
Coyote: Leavin' that other hand free for your POCKET GOLEM. Awww yeah.
RadarX: Again with the pocket golem....how many of these do you have?
Coyote: Obviously as many as you have poo fetishes there Captain Yuck-fingers.
RadarX: Is that a pocket golem in there or are you just...it is isn't it?  Stand over there.

The Residents of Teren's Grasp will now take notice of your amiable deeds and conduct business with you earlier.
Coyote: Because they respect and appreciate your money...er..you. YOU. You big hero you!
RadarX: Yes you will now be offered the opportunity to buy "bags o' poo" and "rusty razors" to show their deep respect for you.
Coyote: Okay. Seriously, we're approaching "creepy" now.
RadarX: Pocket Golem creepy or just regular stuff I'd see on your blog?

Deputy Nettlebrine will now update her own quest even if the player has the quest "A Thousand Words."
Coyote: And if you wait long enough she'll go out, get the items and fight the mobs for you too. Does WoW do THAT for you? DOES IT??!? Yeah..that's what I *THOUGHT*.
RadarX: Deputy Nettlebrine was tired of people trying to explain the "Thousand Words."
Coyote: That's great, she's got no patience. I can see it now.. "No. You know what? You are too STUPID to go and collect leaves, I'll do it myself. You just sit over there and just continue to jump in place for no apparent reason, okay Brainiac?"
RadarX: They keep talking about MMO games getting easier, is this the next step?  Will NPC's say something like: "You couldn't find the dragon scale?  Oh for crying out loud I'll just go kill the dragon myself.  You are useless!"

Pen Keeper Valjik in Fens of Nathsar has discovered that more spotted budlings are necessary for her to make an effective frog stew.  Luckily, many more of the budlings have been seen growing throughout the Swamp of No Hope.
Coyote: Oh I just BET she needs more. And her eyes are all red and puffy from her "allergies" too. Now go get her some "budlings". And hey! Some Cheetos if you can find'em.
RadarX: Her budling stew is good, but the magic is in her brownies.
Coyote: The name of the quest has been changed to "Are You A Cop? Because You Have To Tell Me If You Are".
RadarX: Why is there no hope in the swamp?  Does Britney Spears live there?

The budlings required for the quest "Frog Stew" now grow a bit larger, which will hopefully make them easier to spot.
Coyote: If you are still having trouble seeing them simply follow the giggling trail of smelly hippies.
RadarX: Do NOT lick happy fun budling.
Coyote: Side effects may include giggling, munchies, and being a DIRTY STINKING HIPPIE.
RadarX: They've probably made these so big now you have to walk around them.  Bring your axe to harvest these mushrooms.

Interception: Removed the requirement to examine the packet of plant food while in New Tunaria.  You should now be able to examine the packet in any zone.
Coyote: But Vhalen's tools still have to be examined in private. Bring flowers.
RadarX: And lots of alcohol.
Coyote: And tell him that he is "pretty".
RadarX: But only after the alcohol or he may punch you.

Keeper Chorwin in Gorowyn now stocks egg warmers.
Coyote: Ladies be warned; I hear he stands in the back and watches you with this creepy smile as you try them on. I also hear that he owns a van.
RadarX: I...why am I warming eggs?  I saw this in a movie once...Game over man!
Coyote: HA!! Look! It's hatching! Is it an bird? A lizard of some sort? A *THWAP* GEDDITOFF! GEDDITOFF!

Those who accepted "Cut the Head from the Beast" before completing "Lambs to the Slaughter" should no longer find themselves gated.
Coyote: This will then finish off the quest "The Happy Peaceful Kitten".
RadarX: Gated?  Wow.  No quest for you! Back of line!
Coyote: Gating..of the Lambs. I ate his liver with some Horned Gourd Seeds and a fine Jumjum.
RadarX: With violent quest names like that I have to wonder how much LARPing SOE Devs do around the office.

Queue's Blyzurite: The blyzurite nodes should now be more plentiful and faster to respawn.
Coyote: And the chick from the frog stew quest says she needs some for her glaucoma.
RadarX: You need a lisp to pronounce this correctly.  Blyz...Blyzu...
Coyote: Thee you on the thee thaw Tharnak.
RadarX: You're dith'picable.

Project Xakhiz: It is no longer necessary to "wrangle" the coerced mudfin. Instead, merely netting it will automatically "wrangle" it after a period of 5 seconds.
Coyote: Cuddling afterwards however can go on as long as you need. I CAN'T QUIT YOU!
RadarX: Ok I'm telling PETA.  Wrangling is illegal in many states.
Coyote: Unless you are truly in love, then it is okay. Unnatural, but okay.
RadarX: Your therapy bills must be amazing.

Anaphylaxis: Now offers scouts an item more suited to their class.
Coyote: And a helpful guide so that you can actually SPELL Anaphylaxis.
RadarX: Anaphylaxis sounds really serious.  Is there choking involved? 
Coyote: I knew a Halfling chick that was into that..
RadarX: Let me guess...best 50gp you ever spent?

You can no longer receive Ganak's Phylactery to spawn Dominus Ganak..
Coyote:......you wanna go first on this one Radar? Because it just SOUNDS dirty.
RadarX: I don't know what Ganak's Phylactery is...and I don't wanna receive it thanks.
Coyote: You have received Ganak's Phylactery...now go wash your hands.
RadarX: Once you've gone Ganak you never go...OW!  That was funny!

Field Chief Ry'zilk's 4th quest should no longer be given out before his 3rd quest is completed. Taskmaster Gax's 3rd quest should no longer be given out before his 2nd quest is completed.
Coyote: And if you get the 3rd quest while still on the 1st and try to go to the 4th your head will explode.
RadarX: I think people were actually bending space time here...
Coyote: They quest the streams! HA! Full Protonic Reversal!
RadarX: This is probably one of those bugs they could've just fixed without the patch notes.  I'm confused just reading it.

Sonjaz Manx should no longer respond to invisible characters
Coyote: She just sticks her fingers in her ears and goes "LALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU EITHER! LALALALA"
RadarX: Unless Manx is shot at which point you, Lucky, Dusty, and Neddy are screwed.
Coyote: Ignoring invisible chars eh? If you need me, I'll be in her shower. Waiting.
RadarX: That...*THAT* right there. THAT is why we make you wear the ankle bracelet.

Hammin, found in the Bellywhumper Burrows, has given the family trading business over to his son, Blugie.
Coyote: And that family business? SLAVE TRADING! YAAAAY!
RadarX: What kind of name is Blugie? He wasn't born, he was hocked.
Coyote: Soon my son, all of this will be yours... "What? The curtains?"

It is no longer possible to share the quests: "A Strange Creature," "Another Strange Creature," "Yet Another Strange Creature."
Coyote: However  it is still ENTIRELY possible that SOE has run out of names for Quests.
RadarX: I think you are being too hard on them.  The "Quest for the Strange Creature" hasn't been taken yet.
Coyote: I think they're saving that for the "This Creature is Strange" line.
RadarX: Or the new tome quest "Tales of the Strange Creature."

You can harvest once again while under attack from an NPC
Coyote: But it is RUDE.
RadarX: How annoying,  I mean hello?  I'm digging up roots here Mister Attacky Pants.
Coyote: 'Cause I know whenever I'm out looking for roots and a BEAR attacks, I ignore him and keep digging.
RadarX: This is kind of an odd change to make after so long.  Will this change shiny grabbing tactics?  *crosses fingers*

A number of tradeskill writ and recipe issues have been addressed
Coyote: And that number is ...three.
RadarX: And by addressed they mean acknowledged and laughed at.
Coyote: Tradeskilling lost all appeal to me when I could no longer be killed by a batch of cookies.
RadarX: Did they address why the NPC has asked me to make 278 pairs of Fulginate plate pants because seriously...that is approaching a fetish.

The carpenter-made redwood streetlamps have been pruned to a more reasonable size.
Coyote: They come in wee, not-so-wee, and OH GOD THE LIGHT IT BURNS!
RadarX: Unfortunately because they are still made by carpenters they are single use...
Coyote: Single use lights. Clap on! *clap clap* Clap off! *clap clap* Clap on! *clap clap*...*clap CLAP*....crap.
RadarX: And then the room is on fire.

Bathezid, Danak and Riliss recipe books issued can now be destroyed if you no longer wish to proceed with the writs.
Coyote: Klaatu, Verata, Ni*cough*
RadarX: You'll finish those writs now!  Were you raised a quitter?!
Coyote: YOU A QUITTER BOY? Where you from? North QEYNOS? HOLY HELL BOY! The only thing that comes from Qeynos is boobs and N00bs, and I don't see no nipple on you BOY!
RadarX: I LIKE YOU BOY! You can come over to MY zone and PWN MY SISTER!

PvP - Killing another player will always reward experience now even if the player has their adventure experience disabled.
Coyote: Awww no more level locking to get easy ganks on n00bs? 'bout time you friggin' cheaters. Not that I'm bitter.
RadarX: Oh yeah I can't taste any bitterness 1000 miles away...
Coyote: Nothing like getting ganked by the equivalent of an Epic Mob n00b hunter. Buncha savages in this town...
RadarX: What are you crying about?  He emoted "bend over please" before he ganked you.  I thought it was considerate.

Good players on PvP servers should have somewhere to evac to in the Fens of Nathsar now.
Coyote: Unfortunately it is camped by griefers who will gank you, teabag emote, and call you a "frickin' n00b" as soon as you appear. Enjoy.
RadarX: For the last friggin time!  There is no "teabag" emote.  Stop exploiting the emote system!
Coyote: Sure there is. Next time group wipes, I'll be GLAD to show it to you.
RadarX: We've traveled down a dark road...  I'm just going to end saying I'm glad they provided a fair evac point for good players.

Pressing ESC will open the EQII menu if there's nothing else for it to do.
Coyote: Ya know. If you WANT it to. No pressure or nothin'. It's just gunna sit up there...alone..unused..
RadarX: Keyboard functions on ADD...come on ~ I know you are itching to do something. 
Coyote: I hotkey map mine for evac. That way it has a DOUBLE meaning.
RadarX: And the poor windows button?  What love does it ever get?  It just sits there...knowing full well we're going to alt+tab instead. 

And that's the end of the patch notes folks! See you next time!
RadarX: Really? That's how they're going to end this?
Coyote: Are...are you mocking us..mocking the notes?
RadarX: It just seemed like a weak ending.
Coyote: Maybe we could mention poo a few more times. Would that be a better ending freakboy?
RadarX: Maybe I could mention the drunken photos you don't remember from last Fan Faire. Would THAT be better?
Coyote:...
RadarX: Yeah. That's what I thought. See you next time folks!

~End~