Twenty Things *I* Would Do If I Were Dumb Enough To Be A Bard

EverQuest II Humor by Coyote

I hate Bards.

They sing songs and play lutes and stomp around like that River Dance guy during combat while the rest of us are doing USEFUL things like trying to get the mob to attack the Bard.

But upon admitting my dislike for the velvet wearing Nancies, I met a flood of unexpected backlash. Bards everywhere (all seven of them) flooded me with messages about how great they were, how badly I sucked, and promised that I would never ever get a spell buff again.

.....which kinda sucks, because I need them.

So in order to appease my singing brothers and sisters out there, I Coyote, have decided to become a Bard.

But not just ANY Bard. If I am doomed to become one of the band geeks, then there are going to be a few changes to the class before I step onto the field and march in place. So I humbly bring you;

"Twenty Things *I* Would Do If I Were Dumb Enough To Be A Bard"

1) I would not play a lute, I would play an AXE. Not a slang term for guitar, but an actual battle axe with strings running up and down it. Sure it would suck and sound like hell, but when people came over to see it and went "WOW, an AXE-Lute!" I could cut off their head.

2) I would dress like Gene Simmons from Kiss. Now I know that doesn't sound intimidating to YOU, but if I'm a Bard it's what? 1712? People in 1712 were scared of EVERYTHING and a giant painted mime spitting blood in high heeled boots would freak the living hell out of them. Then I'd cut off their head with my axe guitar.

3) I'd become a serial killer. I'd torment the masses by killing people and doing sick and depraved and at times cannibalistic things to their corpse. Then I'd leave a tiny little lute next to the body for the police to find. I'd do this until the entire world was in fear, that way when I went into battle with my group of adventurers and pulled out my lute? They'd be tricked into thinking that I was a psychotic killer who dined on human flesh instead of just a Bard.

4) I would change the name of the "Lute" to the "Instant Death Pain Machine", because if it caught on someone might scream "Hey? Who's that guy with the Instant Death Pain Machine?!" And if you didn't know it meant "Lute" you'd be pretty scared.

5) I would play my instrument from a wheelchair. No one would beat up a guy in a wheelchair, and even if he did his buddies would go "Dude, that's not cool" and help me up while giving him disgusted looks. Plus, people throw change.

6) My Bardic instrument would be the "clear drum full of live spiders". I don't care how easy a target you are, no one is coming near the guy with the big tub of spiders. Ever.

7) All of my songs would point out the weakness of my allies for the enemy so that THEY would need me too, and not want to stab me. "Ohhh the sky is blue and the sun is shining and the warrior's left flank is weak plus he haaaaaaas...a bad kneeee. Nooono...the other one, theeeeere you go."

8) The only song I would play would be the National Anthem, over and over again. The first time someone charged me I would point out "HEY PAL, I'M PLAYING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM! SHOW SOME RESPECT!" which would shame him in front of his friends so that he would take off his hat and hold his hand over his heart. Then I would cut off his head.

9) No matter what the battle, dangerous or not, I would tell the people around me "Oh ho! If I survivith this glorious skirmish, I shalt sing to thee heaven tales of thy bravery and skill!" and then point and wink. Everyone wants a song about how cool they are, so they'd probably protect me.

10) My Bardic name would be "Coyote The Super Contagious Singing Leper!" and I would cough a lot during combat so that everyone would keep a good distance away.

11) I would weave really peaceful and tranquil spells into my songs so that people wouldn't want to fight. Instead they would want to lay down their weapons and settle the battle with words and understanding. Once they did that, I would cut off their heads.

12) Whenever a female adventurer joined our group, I would sing the "get topless song". It doesn't do anything but get chick to take off their shirts, but hey - isn't that ENOUGH?

13) Anytime something good happened in battle and I was singing, I'd totally take credit for it. "Luck? No. I was singing my "Troll steps on a rock and slips and falls off the cliff" song. The only thing LUCKY here is YOU. Lucky that I am as amazing as I am." Then I'd roll my eyes and walk off while shaking my head.

14) Since no one knows what the hell a Bard actually does, I would claim that all of my "song spells" required large amounts of coins and gems as "magic components". If the wizard in the group tried to disprove it, I'd sing a song about how he was wearing a dress and he'd get all embarrassed and shut up.

15) I'd never have to sing "Happy Birthday" at a party again. If someone noticed me not singing and got upset I would say; "Hey Pal, I'm a FRIGGING BARD. My power is in my VOICE. Do YOU want little Timmy's head exploding all over his god damn presents just because you wanted me to sing? Happy Birthday Timmy, NOW YOU MUST DIE? No? You sure? Then SHUT UP." And then I'd get cake.

16) Warriors are stupid and can be convinced that the "Hokey Pokey" will give them extra power during battle, which is just funny to watch.

17) I'd have it easy. The rest of the group fights, gets dirty, gets wounded and attacked while I sing a song and get an equal share of the treasure? (More if they fell for the "I need really big emeralds for that song spell" trick.) Yeah, that's a no brainer.

18) Singing + Guitar = Chicks. Yeah, YOU do the math.

19) No matter how annoying the group finds The Spice Girls, if you spell weave into their songs and it is helpful, they HAVE to listen to you. Then you can mock them all for getting energized by listening to the Spice Girls.

20) I would finally be able to wear women's clothing and not be made fun of because Bards are SUPPOSED to look like that. Right guys? Right? ...Guys?...........guys?

...crap.

Bards suck...

-Coyote

~end~