Game Update #46: Shop Smart, Shop S-Mart

EQ2 Humor by RadarX and Coyote

 

 

During "Gathering Tempest" (GU46): The ranks of Freeport's Academy of Arcane Science and Qeynos' Concordium have been stretched thin as they attempt to investigate the mysterious and dark storms that have erupted across Norrath. Those wishing to volunteer their services for the investigation are encouraged to speak with the Concordium Pupil Adepts or Academy Apprentices that have been sent all across the world.

RadarX: These are dark times indeed and never before have so many braved danger to study...meteorology?

Coyote: It was indeed, a dark and stormy ...knight.

RadarX: Hey! Here is a dark and ominous storm! You should go check this out...seriously.

Coyote: Don't forget to wear your rubbers!

RadarX: ...who still says "rubbers".

Coyote: Storms need love too?

 

There is a great commotion stirring around Bog Mountain, goblins from all nations appear to be drawn to the halls of Runnyeye Citadel! High level groups can now investigate, should they choose, the new dealings with the goblins in Runnyeye: The Gathering!

RadarX: Upon further investigations, the goblins were attending a summit to promote world peace and you killed them. Nice job hero.

Coyote: Haha! Gives a new meaning to the term "Swamp Meet" Eh?

RadarX: Um..they don't live in a swamp, and it's "Swap Meet", not swamp.

Coyote: Haha! Gives a new meaning to "ruins my jokes" Eh?

Poisons now have the option to auto consume when they run out. Check out the "POISONS" section for details.

RadarX: Long overdue. It has been annoying to keep checking poison icons.

Coyote: Yay! Now we can auto consume our food, drink AND poison...*falls over dead*

RadarX: I'm not sure I like this auto-consume trend. Pretty soon people won't have to remember anything.

Coyote: I'd like to think that I'd remember taking poison.

 

Carpenters, inspired by some of the elaborate cloaks adventurers have discovered, have started learning to create similar tapestries for the home. They have also acquired a few new recipes inspired by Kelethin and Maj'dul craftsmanship.

RadarX: Carpenters make...tapestries? What is this HGTV?

Coyote: Sure, and they hang them on the wooden racks and display cases the tailors have made.

RadarX: This class already focuses mostly on "wood" and now they are doing window treatments? Not that there is anything wrong with that...I'm just saying.

Coyote: Well I think it's FABUUUULOOOUS!

 

Stealth and Invisibility spells should no longer be broken by NPC buffs which trigger off damage. The same will apply in PvP for player based damage shields and similar spells.

RadarX: So you are going to have to find a new place to stand and gank people, sorry.

Coyote: However "Group Stealth" will still be broken by some jerk the moment you cast it.

RadarX: Especially if that jerk has feign death...right Coyote?

Coyote: Hey, feign death is a Swashy's best friend. Right up there with "Evac" and "Blame the Ranger".

 

Bank trainers have been informed that the amount of bank space a character receives has been increased.

RadarX: I realize that banking is a learned skill but you need trainers to tell you how many slots you have available?

Coyote: No. My pimp tells me how many slots I got available. Awww yeah. Heavy with the ho-hand.

RadarX: W..what? No. Slot. SLOT. With an "o".

Coyote: That costs extra.

 

The player movement requirement in the Tangrin and Avatar of Growth encounters are somewhat more lenient than before.

RadarX: Meaning those of you with no rhythm will now dance to ballroom music.

Coyote: And they've thrown in the "white guy lip bite" emote to compensate for loss of rhythm.

RadarX: However Do-Rags will not be in this update.

Coyote: Wait. Is it "Do Rag" or "Dew Rag"?

RadarX: I'm not sure, check google?

Coyote: Wow. It really doesn't GET much whiter than googling for the correct spelling of do-rag.

Rhino mounts no longer cause the camera to bob up and down.

RadarX: So get your jollies elsewhere pervert!

Coyote: However the rear view "third person" camera will still be mostly obscured by "Mammoth Rhino Ass". Enjoy.

RadarX: Tonight on "When Third Person Views Go Horribly Wrong..."

Coyote: Just pray that the camera is mounted tight and the rhino doesn't stop quick or you'll be playing "Sim Colonoscopy".

Trustees of your house can now interact with house pets.

RadarX: But you be VERY sure to leave on the nanny cam...

Coyote: Show us on the Webkinz where he touched you.

RadarX: Hey those people have rights too. Just not Trustee rights at my house.

Coyote: I always wondered how you moved your cat without using your hands...

'Battleaxe of Venom' now properly deals poison damage.

RadarX: Which begs the question...what was it dealing before?

Coyote: How do you field test something like this? "Okay Mike, we're gunna whack you in the chest with this battleaxe, and you tell us if the poison ration feels correct, or if the distribution feels uneven throughout the wound."

RadarX: They had more "Mikes" than Marlboro had cowboys...

Coyote: I wish I knew how to quite you! *thunk* That’ll work.

'Turmoil Warts' will now evoke an unsavory effect on those who dare equip them.

RadarX: Oh just because you can't SEE them doesn't mean you don't HAVE them.

Coyote: Those effects will be in the form of giggles from your friends and cruel nicknames like "Captain Bumpysword".

RadarX: This is like many other topics going down a dark, dark road.

Coyote: Which is exactly how you get Turmoil Warts in the first place.

 

'Remkit's Belt of Flight' was improved slightly for ranged classes.

RadarX: This belt now allows Rangers to run away from a fight even faster.

Coyote: What they need is a belt of "If you pull aggro ONE more frigging time I'm going to kick you in the center of your green friggin' tights". We get it. You do a lot of damage. Settle down Robin Hood.

RadarX: You know...aren't spell casters ranged classes also? Are we being fair in hating just Rangers?

Coyote: No, but since when are we worried about being fair?

RadarX: Touche.

 

'Warlord's Long Bow of Defense' has been renamed to 'Warlord's Short Bow of Defense', to match its type.

RadarX: Great...go ahead Coyote. Let's hear the "size doesn't matter" joke.

Coyote: It was COLD OUT! There was shrinkage! SHRINKAGE! He was JUST in the pool! Leave Britney alone! *sobs* LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

RadarX: And there it is...

Coyote: *reapplies his eyeliner*

 

'Vexthorne' may now be equipped by Paladins and Shadowknights.

RadarX: Vexthorne is from the latin meaning "Still no DPS."

Coyote: Vexthorne is a pretty Emo name. Sure, Shadowknights are pretty Emo, but I know for a fact that they don't sit around cutting themselves - they don't do enough damage to break their skin.

RadarX: Are you sure Vexthorne isn't the anti-depressant they are issuing these classes now?

Coyote: Caution, use Vexthorne only under a physician's direction. Side effects may include: Sucking, not being able to get groups, being overlooked for a real tank, and rickets.

'The Teachings of Master Wu' book is now No-Trade.

RadarX: This will keep people from doing things the easy way but I have to wonder how much this was really being traded.

Coyote: No Wu For You! Back of line!

RadarX: Making huge nerfs like this won't Wu back many players.

Coyote: Well, Wu reap what Wu SOE.

Consuming 'Magma Fish Reduction' will no longer prevent you from imbibing certain potions.

RadarX: What the crap is imbibing? Should I be doing that? Is anyone else?

Coyote: I heard the Magma Fish had to get the reduction because her back hurt and she was sick of not being able to buy stuff off the rack. Shame tho, she was SMOKING hot.

RadarX: Ok that's just creepy... A fish?

Coyote: She had a great personality!

RadarX: ..oh.. Does she have a sister?

Coyote: Like 45 thousand of them.

 

'The Bloodthirsty Choker' should now properly inflict the 5% damage instead of doing slightly more.

RadarX: You remember back in the good old days when armor...didn't hurt you when you wore it?

Coyote: The Bloodthirsty Choker apologizes for being over zealous. He just REALLY likes his job.

RadarX: Only available at Hot Topic.

Coyote: Man, it really DOES hurt to look this good.

 

The Token of Loyalty has had its description changed to avoid confusion. While equipped it still grants the same bonus as before.

RadarX: Confusion? What was the description before?

Coyote: "The Token of Loyalty contains no actual token or loyalty. In fact it isn't even a token, it's just this thing we found that we thought looked cool even though Smitty says it's just a piece of polished glass."

RadarX: Is this the bonus before or the bonus after the change and why is the bonus...ok now I really am confused.

Coyote: It's the same, just different.

Summoner: Caution should be used when attempting to pull with 'Magic Leash' now.

RadarX: Cautions should ALWAYS be used when touching your magic leash.

Coyote: Magic Leash has been known to stick to certain types of skin. Magic Leash is made from a glowing material that presumably fell from space. Don't taunt Magic Leash.

RadarX: Magic Leash can be purchased at your local Target and K-Mart stores.

Coyote: Or at Radar's Weird Fetish Emporium. Mention this ad to get a discount.

Curing a charmed pet should no longer remove the charm from it.

RadarX: It's baffling why this would happen in the first place but I guess bugs happen.

Coyote: It happens. The magic wears off, you don't feel the spark. You both start seeing other people but agree to still be friends...

RadarX: You know... I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you owning in game pets anymore.

Coyote: Hey. If you can't actually SAY no, you can't...ya know...SAY no.

The Hostage Line should now be useable on breakable objects.

RadarX: Breakable objects? Like Legend of Zelda vases?

Coyote: Like our spines when the Devs get a hold of us for these patch notes?

RadarX: I'm not worried. Most of them play Shadowknights and Rangers.

Coyote: Or Age of Conan.

Crafted javelin, tribal and great spear appearances are now more appropriate to the weapons' names.

RadarX: So they no longer look like a pink pool noodle? I guess looking more javelin like is a good thing...

Coyote: Really? I heard you love the pink pool noodle. You LOVE it. Crave it nightly. That pink pool noodle that you love.

RadarX: Yet you sit right next to me...

Coyote: Because *I* accept you.

 

Short spears are now somewhat shorter in appearance.

RadarX: TWO! Two size doesn't matter jokes...ah ah ahhhhh!

Coyote: But the long spears get the LADIES. Awww yeah. Pink pool noodle baby. Pink pool noodle.

RadarX: Nimbledy Crickets man! Let the noodle go....FIGURATIVELY!

Coyote: WHOA big guy! My hands are RIGHT here. I like you, but I'm not ready to move in with you and your 37 cats JUST yet.

All woodworker-crafted wands now look wand-like. Woodworkers are also able once again to make magic-imbued wands.

RadarX: What exactly does "wand-like" look like?

Coyote: Pink pool noodles.

RadarX: Ok now you are just reaching...yes yes for a pool noodle, I know.

Coyote: And yet you silently judge...

Crafted sledgehammer recipes have been replaced by a crafted sledgehammer which has more unique stats. Any existing crafted sledgehammers will remain as they are.

RadarX: And the award for the most use of the term "sledge hammer" in any conversation goes to..

Coyote: *crosses his fingers* C'mon, c'mon big money no whammies...

RadarX: I'm so nervous... *opens the envelope * Who the hell is Peter Gabriel?

Coyote: Like cowbell, everything can use more sledgehammer.

Shrink has once again been enabled on PvP servers. The new shrink will constrain the characters to a minimum height rather than scaling the model down which should alleviate many of the issues found in the past.

RadarX: I forbid any further use of Pink Pool Noodle.

Coyote: That's what SHE said.

RadarX: I mean it! I hate being hard on you but somebody has to have the nards to tell you "no."

Coyote: Wolfman has nards!

RadarX: And a pink pool noo- DAMN it. Now you have me doing it.

You can now leave chat channels that contain characters such as semicolon.

RadarX: The chat channels were like a roach motel?

Coyote: However every new channel you go to will still contain characters such as "The Know-it-all" and "the guy who won't shut up about a nerf".

RadarX: This makes me wonder what kind of channels exist in the game... Do the Furries have one?

Coyote: I don't want to know what was nerfed in the Furry channel.

The minimum width of the main chat window has been returned to its previous width.

RadarX: Assuming the width of said window was the previous width, it now extends to a new width beyond the current width.

Coyote: Warning: Widening the width while windowed will withdraw the window's width

The /who command is now throttled.

RadarX: And it'll get throttled again if it doesn't get back in the kitchen.

Coyote: And for good measure we beat the piss out of the /camp command.

RadarX: This has to be the question mark note of the update. What does this mean?

Coyote: It means that dinner won't be cold again, that's for sure.

RadarX: But seriously folks, domestic violence is not a joke and should be taken with the utmost seriousness.

Coyote: Or else we’re going to throttle you.

RadarX: I...say goodnight Gracie

Coyote: Can’t. Throttled.

RadarX: Alright we gotta go! Thanks for reading folks!

Coyote: VIVA LA PINK POOL NOODLE!

~End~