Game Update #44: Island
of the Patch People

EQ2 Humor by Coyote and Tony
“RadarX” Jones

Entrances to the Shard of
Hate have been activated in Neriak and Nektulos Forest.

RadarX: This zone created from a combination
of forum posts and raider feedback promises to be daunting.

Coyote: Dude. This zone WAS created by forum
posters and raider feedback. Their hate and anger became a physical
mass and is now available for you to play in! Please note. There will
be no puppies.

RadarX: Of course there will be puppies.
Sure you'll need 24 well equipped people to pet it and they proc a curse
that reduces your armor mitigation for 2 days but they are there.

Coyote: Well then, I'm calling for a puppy
nerf. They're obviously over powered.

You can now choose to display
your equipped bow instead of your melee weapons by going to Persona->Options
and checking Display Ranged Weapon.

RadarX: This does not make Rangers any more
intimidating, sorry.

Coyote: Can we display charm items instead?
Because an 8 foot tall Ogre with a battle axe is scary? But an 8 foot
tall Ogre with two dolls and a weird smile? Yeah.

RadarX: Ohhh is it a whimsical charm?

Coyote: Whimsical in that "Scary big
guy cuddling two dolls" kinda way.

Not to be outdone by their
Qeynosian counterparts, the Coalition of Tradesfolke in West Freeport
have refurbished their headquarters to provide more convenient facilities
for crafters.

RadarX: In keeping with the Freeport theme,
this means portolets have been added on each floor of the building.

Coyote: Tradesfolke? *Blows a whistle* Personal
foul! Unauthorized use of an extra "e"! 10 yard penalty and
forced attendance of a speech class at Ye Olde Shoppe.

RadarX: The people in the Olde Folkes Home
would be offended sir.

Coyote: To helle withe theme I saye.

The Village of Shin's monk
challenges will now provide experience for players above level 70.

RadarX: That experience is a kick in the nards
for not completing that content in 2007.

Coyote: HA! Shin Village is starving for tourism.
I've seen monks with "Will snatch pebble from hand for food"

signs EVERYWHERE.

RadarX: Last time I ended up there it was
because of a shipwreck...3 hour tour my ass.

Coyote: Which was Gilligan's Island, which
was like 30 years ago, which was when you should have completed this
content in the first place.

The client will automatically
enable a low-memory mode when you are running low on memory. The low-memory
mode will downsample far away textures and unload geometry that hasn't
been drawn in a while. The low-memory mode should generally be
invisible.

RadarX: All I read in this was I need to buy
more memory...

Coyote: High-memory mode will be enabled when
you are running high on memory. Medium memory mode means that you're
just f***ing with us.

RadarX: I think this is just one of those
notes they stick in to see if anyone reads these.

Coyote: It is a sponsor thing. It has to be.
How do you fit "Low-memory" five times into three sentences?

The client is Large Address
Aware, meaning that you are much less likely to run out of memory if
you have 3GB or more of RAM and are running either the 64-bit versions
of Windows or have modified your boot.ini to support 3GB user address
space.

RadarX: What they don't say is now that it
is "aware" SOE is almost done with Skynet.

Coyote: Heheh. COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO
LEVEL! Hasta La Vekenor baby! Wait..wait. Ahem. Sarah Con-low HA!

RadarX: *groan* I'm going to terminate
this line of jokes thanks.

Coyote: Well then. I'll be back!

RadarX: Why didn't I see that coming...

Raid Leaders can
now create designated raid looters by right-clicking their names in
the raid window and choosing add/remove looter.

RadarX: This is actually a nifty change.
Sure it isn't a new raid encounter or fixes to an old one but be happy
for 30 seconds would ya?

Coyote: "Only your raid leader can loot
this shiny". You god damn commies. The shiny nerf is *OUR*
"NGE". I'm going to go play SWG.

RadarX: That is what they need in raid zones...shinies.
There is nothing that says additional stress like wondering which one
of the 24 is going after it.

Coyote: None now, the cry baby whiner girls
got their way.

Mounts will automatically
be suspended while climbing a wall.

RadarX: Which is what they get for not listening
to people about climbing walls. Enjoy detention.

Coyote: I don't care about the mounts below
the wall. I care about the ones ABOVE it.

RadarX: Good point. Say is it raining?

Coyote: HAHA! Catching raindrops on my tongue!
..bitter...salty..horrible raindrops..OH GOD.

RadarX: Annnnnd I'm done with lunch.

Shallow water will no longer
scare away your horses, rhinos and wargs.

RadarX: However angry fish will now gnaw on
them. I'll admit it's an annoying thing and I'm glad they fixed
it.

Coyote: But it will still scare the piss out
of Dwarves. Stinky buggers.

RadarX: Dwarves do NOT have small hands and
smell of cabbage.

Coyote: Shallow personalities however...will
scare them away. They're sensitive you know..

Ranged ammo has been adjusted
to have a minimum level that represents the start of the tier. Ranged
weapons will then no longer scale down to that level unless the ammo
is significantly lower than the weapon. For example, all ferrite
ammo is now level 70 to use. Level 80 ranged weapons will use
level 80 for calculations now instead of scaling down to level 70.
Overall damage of current level 80 items will stay the same.

RadarX: So level 80 weapons use level 80 calculations
and level 70 use 70 calculations. umm...doy?

Coyote:...... Three shall be the number
thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four
shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then
proceed to three. Five is right out

RadarX: I still don't get this. Does
this require Trig or not?

Coyote: I can sum all of this up in three
words. Ready?

RadarX: Dear God I'm afraid.

Coyote: "Arrows work now."

RadarX: And there was much rejoicing.

Coyote: Yaaay.

Normalized procs will now
cap out at 5.33 second delay for calculations.

RadarX: I...carry the one, divide by x squared.
The answer is...fork. Did I do this right?

Coyote: I was told that there would be no
math.

RadarX: What the hell. First that 80/70 one,
now this. I hear the new expansion has a new race called "Math
Geek".

Coyote: With the racial ability "Die
alone with no friends".

Combat text will now display
if you double attack, flurry, ranged double attack,

etc.

RadarX: So parsers will now more correctly
read DPS? Awesome. Gentlemen! Start your epeens!

Coyote: Oh. It is started baby. Started BIG
time. Mmmm. Would you parse me? I'd parse me. I'd parse me HARD...

RadarX: Get that lotion away from me!

Coyote: It rubs the parser on its skin! It
does this or it gets pwnd!

RadarX: Okay..this just got uncomfortable.

Mitigation has been increased
on all low fabled raid armor sets. Boots, Gloves, Bracers, Shoulders
and Helms have a higher chance of dropping.

RadarX: This doesn't mean Labs farming is
going to resume is it?

Coyote: Alright guys! Let's go farm Pawbuster!
Guys....guys?

RadarX: This just makes the good raid loot
a little more insignificant. It could be worse...it....ok I got
nothing.

Coyote: It could be worse, they could make
you do math?

RadarX: That'll work.

Collection items that you
don't need will now con grey.

RadarX: They will however still sell for 2cp
on the broker.

Coyote: Conning grey - when "YOU ALREADY
HAVE THIS ITEM IN YOUR COLLECTION" in big red frigging letters
JUST isn't good enough for you.

RadarX: Yeah but you have to click on each
one. I want to know the minute I open my bag. I'M A SUBSCRIBER
TOO! Don't force your hardcore style on me!

Coyote: I would but we left the lotion about
three jokes up.

The Pirate Jones encounter
for the Swashbuckler Epic quest should be a little easier.

RadarX: I've seen a lot of complaints regarding
this encounter and I just have to say, would a real Pirate cry nerf?

Coyote: Of course he would. He'd sob like
a sissy girl, I mean his last name is Jones isn't it?

RadarX:...

Coyote: Awww....issums wanna tissue?

Deputy Hopple in the Enchanted
Lands is no longer trying to take twice as many apple muffins as he
had asked for.

RadarX: Greedy Halflings and their damn apple
muffins.

Coyote: Apple Muffins? Who is Deputy Hopple
and why does he want horse poo? WHAT KIND OF GAME ARE WE PLAYING HERE?!!?

RadarX: Hopple is actually a SOE controlled
NPC. They make the new guy play him. It's kinda like hazing.

Coyote: Hopple sounds like a drink old people
swill down so that they can MAKE apple muffins regularly.

RadarX: You are fixated on poo, aren't you.

Coyote: Don't you judge me.

Exchange server players
can now obtain three quests previously unavailable on those servers
because they are given out by guides. Seek out NPCs in the Commonlands,
Antonica, and Everfrost.

RadarX: There are no guides on the Exchange
Server? It truly is the wild west...

Coyote: Yup. Cowboys are TOUGH. The way they
fight. They way the move...the..the way they kiss..

RadarX: Does it always have to go THERE?
Why couldn't it be John Waynish?

Coyote: Sure, but his real name was Marion,
which is a chick's name, which means...

RadarX: He can't quit you.

Coyote: Bingo.

Grandmasters in the five
starting cities now offer some new quests for tradeskillers who have
assisted them previously.

RadarX: Actual tradeskill content. I
am stunned.

Coyote: We're getting tradeskills in this
game?? REALLY??

RadarX: I heard tradeskillers will actually
be able to make furniture and weapons and such.

Coyote: Feh. Waste of time. If I want to bake
apple muffins I'll just eat a lot of chili like everyone else.

RadarX: Wow...this may border on fetish.

Test server players will
now find a small bookworm in the Tower of the Moon can assist them in
finding hard to obtain crafting recipe scrolls.

RadarX: I'm not sure I'd want to take advice
or buy anything from a bookworm...

Coyote: Who, me? No, I'm just a worm. Say,
come inside, and meet the missus.

RadarX: Stay for a nice spot of tea?

Coyote: Well now you're just imposing. Piss
off.

The hawk will no longer
break stealth.

RadarX: Yes the large screeching bird should
never break stealth...

Coyote: That sounds like secret spy code doesn't
it? The hawk will no longer break stealth. The Halfling is gassy after
jum jum.

RadarX: The portolets are used by the Tradefolke!
I repeat...

Coyote: Who has the poo fetish now smart ass?

RadarX: That would still be you.

Coyote:...... ... touche.

Harmonization should no
longer increase the immunity of Jester's Cap.

RadarX: A nerf on the Troubadors? Ouch.
Poor little guys.

Coyote: Harmonization has minions?!

RadarX: Dude...you are going to get a flute
with it's head cut off in your bed.

Coyote: This one time, at Band Camp...

Adjustments have been made
to Chardok named NPCs Those that were level 85+ were lowered to
84, but had their health increased significantly, and DPS slightly.

RadarX: So they lowered them by a level or
two but made them harder? I'm confused...

Coyote: What's so confusing. They made them
harder so that they'd be easier to fight.

RadarX: The good news is it comes with a free
Frogurt....

Coyote: The bad new is that you have to eat
something....called Frogurt.

This concludes Game Update
44 patch notes.

RadarX: This also concludes any hopes I had
for tasteful humor without poo jokes.

Coyote: If you still had hopes for tasteful
humor you're more delusional than -

RadarX: A Cowboy hoping that the world will
openly accept his alternative take on being a cow-poke?

Coyote:....wow... That'll do pig. That'll
do.

RadarX: See you next time folks!