At The Bosom Of The World's End

EQ2 Humor by Coyote

"The end of the world." A large cat man stands solemnly in front of a television camera as he speaks into a microphone, his jade eyes serious and focused on the topic at hand.

"For years the Doomsayers have been singing of its coming. Holding protests, hefting signs and trying to bring our attention to their theory or prophecy only to have the date of destruction come and go without incident. And now a new threat is upon us. A new world opening and threatening to swallow our own as its creation spells our end." The Kerran trails dramatically." This is Coyotee Sharptongue for Ten Ton Hammer News bringing you this exclusive first look at the end.....of all time." He finishes as he turns towards his right.

Standing beside him is an equally serious looking human male hefting a large sign that proclaims "The End Is Upon Us". The man's eyes are red rimmed and sunken and it is obvious that he has been preaching his message for quite some time.

"With me today is local Doomsayer and self proclaimed "Prophet of the end" Earend Adanac." Coyotee introduces as he nods towards the tired looking man. "Earend, can you tell us exactly WHY you believe that the world is about to end?" The reporter asks as the street preacher nods and holds up his sign with renewed vigor.

"When one world is created, another ends. So it is written." Earend says cryptically as he looks directly into the camera. "The world of Hyboria is cresting the end of its genesis and bringing to light wonders never seen! When it is fully formed OUR WORLD WILL END!" He cries frantically as he waves his sign chaotically.

"What amazing sights and never before seen wonders is this new world offering?" The reporter asks, obviously impressed despite hearing these cries before.

"What wonders? How about swords and sorcery! Rogues and Rangers! Classes never before dreamt of!" The prophet howls as he continues to wave his sign.

Frowning slightly Coyotee suddenly looks less than impressed.

"Wait. We have swords and sorcery - in fact, I can see the mage tower of South Qeynos from here. And as for Rangers and Rogues, we have the most classes, the most diversity. What more could you possibly ask for? That doesn't..well...sound new to me." The cat man admits as Earend turns to him, a scowl slowly crossing his face.

"Oh yeah? We'll they've got GOLD! How about gold. Eh? We got gold?" Earend asks defiantly as he glowers at the reporter.

"Um. Yeah. Lots of it. In fact the lottery is up over 3500 plat as we speak." Coyotee admits drawing even more ire from the doom preacher.

"You...you don't UNDERSTAND! There's like...you know...MATH involved." Earend growls as he sets down his sign. "It's complicated and stuff. I'm serious! This world will end ours! The number don't lie!" He reassures, but the cat man looks less than believing.

"So what you are saying is that the end is near because a new world is coming and the population of this one will be destroyed." Coyotee asks with a grin as he winks at the camera. "Just like Azeroth, Middle Earth and Xen'drik destroyed our world and ended us all?" He asks for clarification.

Nodding happily Earned hefts his sign once again.

"Exactly Coyotee! Just..like...oh..heh..wait. I see what you did there." The street preacher laughs lightly as he catches the Kerran's words.

Shaking his head in annoyance Coyotee turns fully to the little man and tries to reason with him.

"Can't you see a pattern forming? Worlds will be born and worlds will die, but we'll still be here. A new world while exciting and "fresh" to our eyes will simply join the others in ranks - not dominate them. Your fear is unfounded. We can exist peacefully, we can -" Coyotee's logic is cut off instantly as Earned utters a single word.

"Nipples." The doomsayer says smugly, letting the word echo for effect.

Flustered and surprised at being cut off Coyotee looks around in confusion before shaking his head and looking at the little man.

"I'm sorry?" The reporter asks for clarification.

"Nipples. They have nipples. Big ones. Like angry red tea saucers." Earend explains as he puts his hands in front of himself and makes a large circle as if to convey size.

"Angry...tea...saucers?" Coyotee simply blinks, too stunned to do anything but repeat the man's words.

"And they're everywhere. Men, women, horses...nipple nipple nipple - it's a frelling NIPPLEPAZLOOZA!" The street preacher says excitedly as he slams a fist into his palm.

"Nip..nipplepalo-..can we say that on the air?" The reporter asks nervously as he looks around suddenly very uncomfortable.

"Face it man. Adventures and monsters get old, but come on, NIPPLES? It's BRILLIANT! Who gets sick of NIPPLES? NO ONE! They're great! " Earend continues excitedly as he shakes his head in awe of the concept. "Which is why we're like totally screwed. Big fleshy discs of destruction. The hooter hubcaps from HELL. Nipples man. NIPPLES. Big ones." He trails with a sigh as Coyotee shakes his head and regains his composure.

Staring at Earend in disbelief the reporter slowly lifts his microphone and clears his throat.

"Ahem. You're saying that the fate of our world, and all the worlds around us is sealed because of -" Coyotee trails leaving the end open for the doomsayer.

"Nipples." Earend nods.

"Nipples." Coyotee repeats in disbelief.

A long silence falls between the two man before the reporter finally shakes his head and turns back towards the camera.

"There you have it folks..." He begins reluctantly. "..a symbol of life, now the symbol of death. If this...ah..prophet is correct, the beginning truly becomes our end. We'll keep you informed on the uh..turn out. Thanks for tuning in. Once again this has been Coyotee Nippletongue..er..SHARP..Sharptongue for Ten Ton Nipple news, bringing you the true story." He stammers, blushing crimson behind his fur.

"NIPPLES!" Earend shouts suddenly with a wave of his sign causing the reporter to turn towards him quickly.

"Will you QUIT SAYING NIPPLES?!?" Coyotee roars as the news feed is cut.

"Nipples." Is heard echoing ominously in the darkness as the scene mercifully cuts to black.

~end~


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Last Updated: Mar 13, 2016

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