Game Update #45: ..And
then there's Hancock…

EQ2 Humor by RadarX and Coyote

 

 

The time limit between repeatable faction quests in
Sinking Sands has been removed.

RadarX: The time
limit of 6 hours for finding a useful collection item in Sinking Sands however
is still in place.

Coyote: At first I
was really happy to finally find a "yellow sand"...but then I thought
"Hey. Wait. If yellow SNOW is...OH MY GOD!" and ran to wash my hands.

RadarX: Have you
seen the market for that stuff?  I'm surprised people are so anxious to buy it.

Coyote: Giant spider
pee is an aphrodisiac in some countries.

RadarX: WHAT
countries?

Coyote:...countries
with pee fetishes? Germany and Japan come to mind kinda quickly.

 

Damage that can not be resisted or mitigated will now be
referred to as "focus" damage instead of
crush/pierce/slash/poison/heat/cold/etc in combat chat messages.

RadarX: Having to
follow all those types of statuses has definitely damaged my focus.

Coyote: /ETC damage?
Does that come from bored mobs who just don't care anymore? "You've been
hit with Meh for whatever points of damage!"

RadarX: And it's all
slashing damage, but only to the wrist.

Coyote: And it
doesn't really kill you, but leaves visible wounds that you really want people
to ask you about.

 

Corpses of powerful creatures will now stay locked for
twenty minutes.

RadarX: Making it
easier for you to bring in the guild alt that can use what's dropped?  I'm not
sure I understand this one.

Coyote: Maybe if you
weren't a huge exploiter you'd realize is it so your guild can take a picture
with the dead uber mob without it despawing so that they can post it in the
"nobody really cares" section of their guild site.

RadarX: If they
weren't even there, why do they need their picture taken? You can always tell
those people too.  They are shoved off to right where the picture is cropped. 
"Look!  That's my arm! I was there...for the picture."

Coyote: Heh, and then
they run to the unofficial sites to brag. "MY guild just killed an UBER
MOB! WE RULE!" Because no one ever asks "Really? Were you
there?"

 

Respawning near Jarsath Wastes in the Kylong Plains is
slightly less dangerous.

RadarX: The mobs
that would kill you immediately at respawn now give you to the count of five.

Coyote: Ha! Now the
truck beeps before creaming you into a pile of pudding.

RadarX: Remember the
good ole days when you could be killed 3 or 4 times in 60 seconds?

Coyote: Yeah, it was
called "last night" in the Shard of Hate.

 

Mounts should now suspend while feigning death or riding
on a griffon, sokokar or cloud.

RadarX: I'm not sure
I can envision a Warg on a Sokokar...nor do I really want to.

Coyote: Now if we can
only get mounts to suspend when the retards are crowding the broker. Nothing
like looking for the sell price of a nice drop and getting a face full of Warg
ass.

RadarX: I know
right?  You are shopping and there is some obnoxious Kerran Swashbuckler with
his big frilly hat and stupid cape t...oh.  Hey uhhh...what were we talking
about?

Coyote: You calling
"checking the broker" "shopping". We have a word for people
who do that. And that word is "Chicks". Hope you got a good deal on
your handbag there precious.

 

Grinash the Vicious and his pack will now trigger in the
Steppes for players on "Vicious Assault".  Previously he would only
trigger while on "The Cove of Decay - Kraughl's Request".

RadarX: Isn't that
the guy and his 26 friends who would run laps and mow players down in
Thundering Steppes?

Coyote: Who has the
title "The Vicious"? What, this guy been playing Fable in his spare
time? "Oh no! Look out! It's Grinash the Arseface!" "Maaan..I
gotta buy a new title."

RadarX: Wasn't there
a player on our server named Arseface? I wonder what happened to him?

Coyote: I got
petitioned and the GM made me ..uh...um. No. No. Don't recall that character.

 

Squire Kivan in Antonica will now give out the quest
"Getting the Axe" to characters that he previously thought were too
advanced for his quest.

RadarX: Ask me if
I've seen a gnoll....do it and I swear to Lucan....

Coyote: No no, you're
much too qualified to help me. I need someone who could fail or get horribly
mangled, not someone who can do the quest quickly! What were you thinking?

RadarX: What's a
squire doing handed out a quest anyway?  Aren't you supposed to be holding a
javelin or something?

Coyote: He's the
administrative assistant from the old SNL days. And you are? "Coyote the
Destroyer!" Mmmhmm. Do you have an appointment? "Wha..no. I just want
the quest." Mmhmm. Be a lamb and have a seat riiight over there will you?

 

The No-Trade flag has been removed from a large number of
book pages that were dropped from mobs or harvested from page spawns.  Check
your inventories!

RadarX: I understand
making people go harvest the books was important but this was
annoying...especially the old school zone books.  Great change.

Coyote: That's right
kids! Reading is fun! Stay in school! And that's "One to grow on"!

RadarX: Thank you
for leaving out "And knowing is half the battle."

Coyote: GO JOE!

RadarX: ...you know
I hate you right?

Coyote: Yeah. It
sustains me.

 

Clay golem hearts for "The Heart of Fear" quest
in Cazic-Thule now drop as corpse loot instead of chest loot.  They also will
only drop while you are on the quest now.

RadarX: I never
really understood the reasoning behind that personally.  Presenting your heart
to your attackers in a chest just seemed odd.

Coyote: No guff,
especially with that crackhead Jack Sparrow running around trying to steal it!

RadarX: That's a
MOVIE. We're talking EQ2.

Coyote: OH! You mean
in real life!

RadarX: Exactly.

Coyote: You realize
this is why we're both still virgins right?

RadarX:...b..but
chicks DIG guys who podcast! I saw it on G4!

 

Multiple players should now be able to receive an update
from killing Pawbuster when on that portion of the Conjuror Epic quest.

RadarX: Thank
goodness because dear sweet lord if you hold back raiders from their epic...

Coyote: Their whines
will flow like..um......wine.

RadarX: Very
explicative filled and poorly spelled wine.

Coyote: Which aren't
really shenanigans at all. Evil Shenanigans.

 

The Nox Noctis Sword will no longer fit in the primary
weapon slot.

RadarX: Because
why...would a sword...do that?

Coyote: Hehe. It's
like that old saying Radar...You can't have your saif and wield it too.

RadarX:....  ..how
long did it take you to find a sword name that rhymed even loosely with
"Cake"?

Coyote: Like 5
minutes on Google.

RadarX: Time well
spent my friend. Time well spent.

 

Deathfist Citadel crafted armor stats have been
improved.  Existing armor will automatically receive the upgrade.

RadarX: And the
people farming DFC for armor component parts rejoiced!

Coyote: And then in
the frozen lands of Nador we were forced to eat them.

RadarX: And there
was much rejoicing.

Coyote: For like an
hour.

RadarX: I don’t get
it. Why only an hour?

Coyote: Some of them
were Asian. They got hungry again.

RadarX: WOW. That's
[email protected] folks! Write angry and write often!

 

The Karana deity pet and the sokokar pet should now stack
together.

RadarX: Those two
never did get along.

Coyote: But only if
you play Barry White and get them REALLY drunk.

RadarX: It almost
sounds like they are...Legos.  

Coyote: Except that
if you step on a GOD PET in the middle of the night, you have bigger issues
than a sore foot.

 

Swindler's Gift should now overwrite itself properly
rather than giving an error about having a more powerful spell already.

RadarX: A Swindler's
Gift is preferred to Vhalen's Tools any day.

Coyote: You should
know, you've spent enough time examining them.

RadarX: And thank
you for lending me one of your ten sets. 

Coyote: No problem! I
heard that your barely four sets weren't cutting it. Glad my ten could help!

RadarX: …I'll take
"comments that will never see print" for 400 Alex.

 

Coercer - Possession has been renamed to Possess Essence.
 It now takes control of your target's essence and makes them into a pet that
you can control.

RadarX: I...was this
a change?

Coyote: HUGE change.
Previously you'd possess them and they'd puke up soup, piss on the carpet and
do this freaky upside-down crab walk down the stairs.

RadarX: You watch
WAY too much Cinemax. 

Coyote: Only late at
night. Women's prisons are like slumber parties for naughty girls.

 

Conjuror -  Golem pets have now mastered the skill of
walking silently.

RadarX: Next patch
they will be able to play hide n' seek.

Coyote: But they
still run like girls.

RadarX: Well
Conjurors got their way it looks like.  Previously you couldn't have a good
raid without hearing one shush their pet.

Coyote: The ground
still shakes and your cup of water does that weird "ring" effect, but
you don't hear'em!

 

The Paladin and Shadowknight squires should no longer
look differently after zoning.   

RadarX: Look
differently how?  See what happens when you let them stand too close to the
priest?  And I forgot all about squires, I can't believe people still summon
them.

Coyote: They zone and
then they look different. They giggle a lot and their eyes are all bloodshot
and dilated. Then they raid your packs for munchies. Hell of a thing.

RadarX: I mean you
can't even pit fight them against each other.  What fun is that? 

Coyote: We could
always go to the arena if we want to fight pets.

RadarX: AHHAHAHAA!
Yeah, and after THAT we can go and TRADE SKILL! HAHAHAHAHAH

Coyote: Hehe....touché.

 

Priests - Cure Noxious, Elemental, Trauma and Arcane have
been consolidated into one spell called Cure.

RadarX: This was
actually pretty controversial.  Apparently mashing buttons based on icons that
pop up was more challenging.  To replace this system, Priests will now have to
play a mini-game of Simon during combat.

Coyote: Ahh yes,
"Cure". From the Latin "Curitos" meaning "What your
bitch ass doesn't get unless your in group one."

RadarX: Maybe if you
stop putting hate transfers on your DPS/Healer group mates you'd get to be in
group 1.

Coyote: Uncle
Coyote's Raid tips! Number 14! Hate transfer on an afk group member, a nasty
boss mob, and feign death can lead to ALL SORTS of fun.

RadarX: Wow. Group 1
is the least of your worries. You're lucky you're invited at ALL.

Coyote: I'm group 5,
and just fine with that. The back of the bus is where the COOL KIDS sit.

 

Manaward now acts as a true ward with a ratio of 1 health
to 1.5 power.

RadarX: I don't
remember what it was doing, but it apparently was masquerading as a ward. 
Maybe some damage leaked through...like focus damage!

Coyote: Unlike the
previous incarnation of the spell called "Manowar" which protected
you with big hair and blistering guitar riffs.

RadarX: Or Manwich,
which saved you by harnessing the powers of tasty goodness.

Coyote: Which is
ironic because usually casters get turned INTO a messy red ground meat.

 

Banks how have four extra slots for a total of twelve
bank slots per character. Shared banks now have four extra slots for a total of
eight shared bank slots per account. Shared banks now allow you to share coin
between characters on the same account. Exiled characters continue to be unable
to use shared banks with other characters on the same account.

RadarX: This is such
a great change, I can't even mock it.  Nice one.

Coyote: Awesome
change, well done, and desperately needed. I can't wait to buy a bunch of plat
online to trade between my characters!

RadarX: Where is the
command to ban you from these notes...

Coyote: Sorry
Nippleneck, you knew that selling your soul came with a price. MUAHAHAHHAHA...

RadarX: …nippleneck?

Coyote: Oooh! Ooh! I
know this one. "The weirdest glitch ever in the Age of Conan"!

RadarX: Dude. No.

Coyote: Hehe. Sorry.
I mean, "What IS the weirdest glitch ever in the Age of Conan?" …Stupid
"in question form" rule.

 

Weaponsmiths and woodworkers have learned to create
recipes for new, more desirable crafted weapons with a choice of new effect.

RadarX: The effect
"Sword of Tradeskill Grinding" is on most of the items.

Coyote: But you can't
equip it..because..then..you could..um..use it.

RadarX: Oh you can
equip it...just not in the primary, secondary, or ranged slots.  It makes an
awesome cloak though.

Coyote: You can wear
it once, and only if you aren't allergic to cutting and bleeding.

 

The command "/inventory unequip all" will
unequip all of your gear except food, drink and appearance items.

RadarX: I'm no
designer...but wouldn't /naked have been easier?

Coyote: It will
unequip EVERYTHING...except for the stuff that it doesn't.

RadarX: So you have
no mitigation and for all intents and purposes ARE naked but it doesn't appear
you are naked because you have a pretty robe.

Coyote: Ya know…..I'm
naked.

RadarX: I know, I
know. "Under my clothes", right?

Coyote: Newp.
Just....nekkid.

RadarX: AND THAT
CONCLUDES THIS WEEK'S PATCH NOTES! Please check out the next installment which
will feature a NEW host, "ANYBODY BUT COYOTE"!

Coyote: HANCOCK!

 

~End~