Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

Less than a year since its initial release date, Age of Conan finds itself battling rumors and whisperings of population drops and plummeting subscriptions. But don't expect them to go down without a fight.

Who doesn't want to play as Arnold?

"Look, we had over six hundred THOUSAND people signed up for BETA, all because of a rumor that AoC contained topless women." Stated one Age of Conan executive in an exclusive Ten Ton Turnip interview.

"So going on that? We're bringing back the boobies. You want topless chicks? You've got'em. In fact, the further you progress in the game, the more "butt nekkid" they get. If we have to throw in emotes like "/lapdance" or make the starting scene on the slave boat look like a trailer for one of those fantasy porn websites, we're going to do it. I'll be DAMNED if we're going down like that lame-ass space game." He snorted as he angrily pounded on his desk.

That "space game" of course is in reference to the now terminally ill "Tabula Rasa", which is only a few short months away from what amounts to a virtual mercy killing, as game creator Richard Garriott pulls the plug on the hosting server.

Aside from ramping up the nudity and hosting staff controlled "Cyber" events in order to win back it's target demographic of 13 year old boys and 34 year old virginal men who still live at home, Age of Conan executives are also promising to provide the type of game play that all true Conan fans dream of:

The chance to play as Conan himself.

"I'm Conan, you're Conan, hell - my GRANDMOTHER can be Conan if she signs up. You want it? You've got it." Our executive promises as he explains the concept behind "Everyone is Conan".

"Look, our cash flow is hemorrhaging like a hemophiliac at a cactus convention. Most of our dough went into paying staff members to ban names similar to Conan. Coonan, Konnan, Coooonan - you name it, we've seen it. It was a full time job, and now it has been cut. You wanted to be Conan, now you can. This way everyone gets what they want and we don't have to pull a Tabula Rasa and end up in the .99 cent bin at Wal-Mart."

Skeptical on whether or not these changes will help save the ailing game, or bring back the waning fan base, we asked the most important question of all: Is this in good taste?

"Taste schmaste, we have tits." Came the official reply. "Remember that line in the movie that you geeks are always quoting? "Conan! What is best in life?" - Well I think we all know the REAL answer. Boobies." The AoC Official finished, bringing our interview to an end so that he could get back to checking on his profile on Monster.com.

And we found it hard to disagree.