Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

"Why do geeks behave like the Star Trek Universe is a real place?"

Because it is.

Well, it is to *us* at any rate.

We see a culturally diverse society full of the best and brightest from every planet, solar system and walk of life conceivable. There is a rich and exciting history that we commit to memory as we study and research it with almost fanatical devotion. Unlike our TRUE world history...which none of us can retell with any real accuracy, or rock solid assurance that "Montana" really is, for certain, an actual state.

Yet explosions and cosmic wars aside, we geeks hold a special place for Star Trek deep within the recesses of our heart and I can personally guarantee that at least some of you reading this have had the following conversation:

"If Star Trek were real, what country would be the Federation?"

See?

If you are reading this statement in confusion, I promise that you are in the minority. If you have stopped reading this and are currently wide-eyed and checking your room for listening devices, don't bother…

All hardcore geeks eventually have this conversation. It just acts as a cement to further harden and solidify our love for the genre. Still, late night talks like this are key to understanding your average geek. They show insight, thought, and above all else, they prove that:

The United States is totally the Federation.

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Now most would probably assume that this is because America is the best place on Earth, or even in the galaxy to live - and they would be right.

Mostly.

This is also because like the fictional "Federation", the United States seems to think that it is their job to protect the world. Just like the Federation, we put on a smug sense of superiority while pretending to respect and observe the cultures and diversities of people foreign to us with a quiet reverence no matter how badly they weird us out. We offer them the olive branch of friendship, and extend forth a hand of equality and learning...

And then somewhere about 25 minutes into the episode, we have to blow the ever loving snot out of them - in a respectful and understanding way, of course.

Still, even for our short comings and tendencies to nuke the hell out of people who are just a little bit TOO diverse, we know that like the Federation, the United States is the BEST place to live.

Because other cultures eat bugs and worms and stuff. Which is not only GROSS, but brings us to the fact that..

Klingons are from Russia.

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Eh? EH? Not too shabby with the comparisons NOW, are we?

We base the Klingons off of Russia for a number of reasons. First, you have the striking similarities in the fact that:

* No one knows thing one about Russian or Klingon culture, past the fact that they could probably kick our ass.

Which is a pretty important fact. Face it, Russians are big, tough, and occasionally wear armor that looks like it is from a 1950's version of the movie Mad Max. Klingons are exactly the same, except for the fact that their spine has grown up past the back of their neck and ended up on their forehead because they lived a tad too close to Chernobyl.

* * They both speak a raw, crude sounding guttural language that skinny white geeks everywhere wish they could learn, but only end up sounding like they have a chest cold..

Both the Klingon AND Russian languages sound badass. You could say "I like to dress up in frilly pink dresses and play with kittens" and it would come out sounding just mean and intimidating, like "KWALTH MEANA GORTA GINGAS!" , and probably scare the hell out of anyone listening to you. (That was the actual Russian translation. Klingon is still unavailable.)

Life on the Klingon home world is hard. It is a repressive and violent society in which the people have to fight for every scrap of bread that they get. There is constant bloodshed, conflict and huge guys named Boris fighting with really curvy swords. They wait in long lines in a grey world (color has been outlawed) and mumble about honor and victory as they turn in their voucher for a daily stipend of vodka.

Meanwhile, Russians wear tribbles as hats. Which is just BADASS.

The Chinese are The Borg.

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Now you're beginning to think "Wow, this guy is either on to something, or ..on..something", eh? I mean how perfect an analogy is that? China has the numbers, the technology, and the drive and determination for both learning and perfection that could some day actually TURN them into the Borg. Which is PROBABLY what they are going for anyway.

Of course they'd all be 5'1 and collapsing under the weight of their implants, but still...

The Chinese out number the rest of the world, 126 THOUSAND to 1. That means for every one American, you have 126,000 Chinese workers who can do his job better and without complaining or putting up stupid pictures of kittens in funny situations. They’re stripped of their individuality, and work together in small “hives”. They're already assimilating (much like the Borg) the best of every culture and influence and it is estimated that by the year 2025, China will be the number one English speaking country in the world.

Resistance is futile as they will adapt, learn, and improve. There is NOTHING that can be done to stop them...

...short of like...putting our really important data on the top shelf.

Hehe.

"How cute, he's trying to assimilate my kneecaps. Who’s a big scary Borg drone? Yes you are!"

And if China becomes home of the Borg, it goes without saying that Mexico is...

...um..

...

Okay, Mexico was probably obliterated by some really technical but amazingly powerful cosmic event that left a smoking crater right where the diarrhea capital of the world once stood.

Because there are no Mexicans in Star Trek.

Think about it: We have black crew members, white crew members, Asian crew members and even some Russian dude who says "wessels" milling about the bridge of the Enterprise. They're holding hands across the galaxy in a huge showing of understanding and cultural acceptance like the universe’s biggest Coke commercial...

And there's not ONE person of Mexican descent to be found anywhere? Not even one culturally insensitive stereo type like they did with "Scotty", because it was the 60's and you could get away with stuff like that?

I don't buy it.

Come to think of it, you don't see very many people from India on Star Trek either, although I'm guessing that they're probably there behind the scenes...

...

...doing transporter Tech-Support because the Federation out sourced it for cheaper labor.

Hehe. Can you imagine THAT badly accented and racially insensitive conversation?

"Oh yes. Thank you for calling Transport Tech Support, how may I be being of service to you today?"

"Theese es Scoo-tee! Tha transpooter is malfoonctionin'! Ensign' Ricky came bock, an' he dinna 'ave a HEED!"

"Oh dear, that is not good at all sir. Have you tried rebooting the transporter unit? Turning it on and off and waiting for the lights to blink?"

...

....

We're all going to hell for that, but that's beside the point.

Geeks love Star Trek. And that love is the reason that we treat it (and so many other fictional things) as if it were a real, actual, breathing part of our own history, because in many ways it is. We've devoted countless hours of our time and effort to learning it so that we can feel as if we were more apart of it.

Geeks treat Star Trek as if it were real, because it absolutely is.

Plus, at least half of the people reading this now want a tribble hat.

-Coyote