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I, Zombie

Updated Tue, Jan 27, 2009 by Coyote

“Why are geeks so fascinated with zombies?”

Because zombies are the ONE undead monster that we can take in a fight.

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Okay, to be honest we probably can’t even take a zombie one on one. It would be a group effort, and there would be tears, heavy losses, and mild to alarming instances of people wetting themselves. While zombies are slow moving and clumsy, (much like your average geek) they know no fear and will never succumb to pain. Much UNLIKE your average geek, who is frequently diagnosed with injuries such as “tennis elbow” or “carpal tunnel”, which by the way…

…is a scam.

Since this column is dedicated to the explaining of all things geek, let’s take a quick sidebar and look into what Carpal Tunnel Syndrome really is; an injury sustained by frequent and repeated motions of the wrist and hand.


….

LUCKILY most Doctors are geeks and thus we don’t have to get into the *real* way in which most of these injuries are acquired. We just show up at the Doctor’s office with our carpal tunnel, exchange sad-yet-understanding glances, and then in a show of comradery…

We blame it on typing.

Which if anyone really thought about, they’d see how lame of an excuse THAT is right off of the bat, because typing has been around FOREVER. In fact, in the 60’s there were no keyboards or ergonomic hand rests. There were just 900 pound typewriters that took a team of seven men to operate and an average of six THOUSAND pounds of pressure to actually depress a key.

And then you’d type too fast and all of the letters would slam into place at once, and you’d have to go get a backhoe and forklift in order to un-jam your typewriter.

Yet with all of these shortfalls, limitations and harsh work environments, no one EVER complained about “carpal tunnel”. They just worked diligently, smoked 15 packs of unfiltered cigarettes (now with EXTRA tar) and went home in hopes that another president was getting his head blown off on live television. But right about the time that “free, no we mean it, REALLY free and easy to find” internet porn became available online…

…carpal tunnel cases started being reported left and right. Coincidence? Well that’s between you and your doctor, and none of our business. We’re talking about ZOMBIES here.

Which brings us back to the original statement that we can “take” a zombie. By take, we mean (obviously) “run away from with some large degree of success”, which is your average geek’s way of battling everything from large spiders to asthma. (Although the asthma usually wins in that case.)

So why are zombies so cool? Because zombies are an equal opportunity undead monster, unlike say, vampires.

In order to be a vampire you have to be ruggedly handsome, have piercing eyes, and a broody sense of mystery that follows you everywhere you go. Then and only then do you have the hopes of being bitten (preferably by some hot chick) and turned into one of the undead.

With zombies, you just have to be really slow, or really lazy – which to be honest is more our style anyway. Vampires brood about choices and whine about never seeing sunsets and all that other stuff that makes you suspect that their arms are covered with suspicious-yet-not-life-threatening scars. Vampires want soul mates and young, good looking people who will stay that way forever.

Zombies just want the fat kids.

Zombies don’t care if you are popular or good looking, or even if you've done a single “crunch” in your lifetime. Zombies just want someone to bite, and the cool kids who are picked first for gym class are just as tasty as those of us who forged notes that involved the word “rickets” so that we didn’t have to roll around on hard rubber mats with other sweaty guys, or get hard rubber balls lobbed at our noggin.

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Zombies don’t judge us or pull nasty pranks involving Chinese food and maggots, (unless the zombie happens to be a maggoty Chinese food delivery person, and even then it is more “coincidental circumstance” than actual prank) they just want to bite us, maybe chow down on some of our pasty white flesh and infect us with their happy little zombie diseases.

There are no politics or cool kids, no hoops to jump through or Zombie Masters to appease, there is just a bite, a scream, and a wound you hide from your friends until the very last minute so that you can share your new little gift with them. We love zombies because zombies love US.

Plus, they’re really easy to kill – which again, fits into the geek lifestyle of “ease” quite nicely.

We won’t get up and walk seven feet to grab the television remote even though one of those Oxyclean telemarketing commercials with the guy who screams at you to buy it is on. Seven feet is just WAY too far, and hey, you never know when you might need to get a wine and blood stain out of a carpet. So you’ll sit there and watch it.

Ease is key.

With vampires you have to find their coffin, and carve a stake and stab them, and there’s blood and screaming and fire and decapitation and in the end it just all boils down to WORK. Plus if the vampire knows you are coming, it can turn into mist or hypnotize your friends and do a bunch of stuff that just makes your task of offing it even HARDER.

With zombies? You just shoot them in the head.

That’s it. Bang.

No more zombie.

And then you can just wait for your mother to clean it up, or hope that one of your roommates will get sick of stepping over the corpse in the living room and take care of it so that you don’t have to, all the while insisting that you were “just about to clean it up”.

Geeks love zombies because they are easy. They pose a threat that will engulf the masses, leaving only the most brainy and savvy among us as survivors – which means that we get any chicks that manage to not get chomped. They’re fun and easy to kill, and in the end you don’t have to worry about them forming some “cool kid” club and donning leather trench coats that show off their pectoral muscles under too-tight t-shirts.

Slow moving, bad skinned, and prone to moving in shambling herds, geeks love zombies - because we know that we're just a deep fried Oreo induced heart attack away from becoming them.

-Coyote

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