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There are many myths and misconceptions surrounding geeks and their habits that haunt us and too often evolve into embarrassing situations. These range from honest mistakes or slightly flattering faux pas to blatantly insulting gibes meant to humiliate or slander.

So rather than allow these stereotypes to spread we’ve decided to address some of more common myths that plague your average geek in the hopes of exposing these lies and educating the masses.

Myth: “Geeks are all math wizards.”

Actual Fact: As a species we geeks are an amazingly diverse bunch. And while elevated levels of intelligence are a trait that we seem to almost (ALMOST) universally share, this does not mean that we are all good at math.

Some of us down right suck at it.

And not in the “Hey, I suck at math because I don’t understand Quantum Mathematics” kind of way. I’m talking suck in the “Oh my god we’re getting back SIX MILLION DOLLARS FOR OUR TAX REFUND…hey why is an IRS convoy pulling into our driveway” meaning of the word.

Just because we’re usually above average in our intelligence don’t assume that we’re certified geniuses in every area of advanced study. Like a herd of Star Trek quoting Rain-men, we tend to excel in specific fields instead of the entire gambit. And while those fields can and often DO include mathematics…

…check first.

Or else you could end up really happy, then really * really * sad. And then possibly gang raped in prison when your tax refund arrives.

Myth: “Every Geek is a computer God.”

Actual Fact: Some knowledge is a million times more dangerous than NO knowledge when it comes to fixing computers.

Like the math example above, computer aptitude is generally assumed when dealing with your average geek. I mean geeks love gadgets and know how to set their DVR’s for the most part, so why SHOULDN’T they all be computer geniuses?

Because computer repair and diagnostics is a complicated field, and even though you can be trained or taught, the best techs are born with the talent to do it well. Some people have a flair for languages, or others can play any tune by ear; fixing a computer is really no different. Strong intuition or a “feeling” of what is wrong is a +2 sword of ASSKICKING when it comes to fixing a broken PC, and as a tool no price can be put on its real value.

Which brings us to our opening statement: SOME knowledge is more dangerous than NO knowledge. With no knowledge you shrug, walk away, and call your buddy who builds robots out of tin cans and string to fix it for you. With SOME knowledge you get cocky, assume that you can fix it yourself, and dork it up so badly that it takes those of us who CAN fix them hours just to undo the “repair” that your tard-fingered self attempted.

If you are uncertain if your geek is a computer tech, simply ask. If he says “Yes, I can fix it!”, do NOT let him touch your god damn machine. This is an imposter as we real techs are sick to f***ing DEATH of fixing computers and would rather poke out our own eyes with the sharp end of and old S3 video card than help you. We loath fixing computers and will deny any and all knowledge of how to do so.

Also, under NO circumstances should you ever attempt your own repair, unless you want to end up really REALLY sad and possibly gang raped in prison.

Myth: “Geeks are the most practiced, considerate, caring, tender, tentative and satisfyingly talented lovers on the planet.”

Actual Fact: This is completely true.

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We apologize for the oversight and have no idea how such a well known and heavily documented FACT made it onto this list of myths. We’re sorry for the inconvenience.

Now…..How YOU doin’?

Myth: “Being a Geek is the same thing as being a Nerd, Dork or Dweeb.”

Actual Fact: Geeks, Nerds, Dorks, and Dweebs are all separate species, and while they may share similar traits, they are not the same and should never be grouped together.

So what are the differences between them? Well let’s break them down:

Nerds: Super intelligent with absolutely NO social skills what-so-ever. Nerds can calculate complicated equations in their head while decrypting the dead sea scrolls, but are unable to comprehend why no one will shake their hand after their finger has been up their nose, in a crowded public place, for well over an hour.

Dorks: Average intelligence with only the bare minimum of social skills. Dorks are the obsessed among us. They have the ability to function in society and can actually seem pretty normal until you discover their “trigger”. Every dork has one and once this trap is sprung, step back and take cover and try not to get caught up in the blast.

For example; John and Mary are enjoying a pleasant date. John seems well adjusted, and Mary is having a good time. Noticing that it is getting late, and suspecting that John may be a “geek”, Mary makes the joke that “Scotty should beam us home”, and laughs lightly.

John grins and then nonchalantly stabs her in the eye with a corn-dog stick while screaming at her that in NO episode EVER did Kirk or ANYONE ELSE EVER UTTER THE WORDS “Beam me up Scotty” so violently that little flecks of spittle fly out of his mouth. As she writhes in pain, partially blinded at his feet, he continues to berate her loudly while spewing every single useless Star Trek fact that he has ever crammed into his noggin, in its original Klingon.

THAT ladies and gentlemen, is a Dork.

Dweebs: No brains, no social skills, and we have NO idea how this short bus riding member of the stickered helmet brigade keeps getting shoved onto US as if he’s some Aghar cousin to our dwarven clan. Dweebs make no sense, have nothing in common with us, and to be honest…

…they weird us out.

Just because he’s wearing a vintage Ghostbusters T-shirt and making loud “Pew Pew” noises with a replica phaser, don’t assume he’s one of us. WE do it because we’re making reference to pop culture and goofing around. DWEEBS do it because they are f***ing INSANE.

Stop pushing them off on US. We don’t want them either.

And lastly…

Geeks: The heroes and stars of this particular play. The geek. We come in all shapes and sizes and range from above average intelligence to certified-frigging-genius. Yes somehow we have social skills, jobs, friends, and actual lives in which we interact with others of our kind.

Geeks are the easiest of the four listed here to spot because we’ve had sex. Real actual sex with another actual person who wanted to have sex with us. That alone changes a person and makes us easily identifiable when paired with Nerds, Dorks and Dweebs.

We gets us a lil’sumsum. Awwww yeah.

Myth: “Geeks are all doughy and pasty and used to being shoved into lockers.”

Actual Fact: We have entire websites dedicated to the look of shocked surprise on the faces of people getting their asses handed to them by geeks.

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People forget that geeks come in every shape and size, and while yes – the majority of our population could barely get OFF of a bench without help, let alone actually bench PRESS anything…

…there are those among us who could kick..your…ASS.

Geek isn’t a physical form, it is a mindset and a way of thinking. It is as social genre and way for those of like habits to identify with each other. But to think that we’re all tubby dorks who can’t fight back is just plain suicide.

There are weight lifting geeks, geeks who study martial arts, and geeks who were once Marines and know over 187 ways to kill you using only YOUR OWN PINKIE FINGER.

So remember, before you assume you know what your geek is capable of, do a bit of research and figure out which breed you’re dealing with. Because if you don’t, and you take every myth and stereotype as gospel, you may end up more than a bit surprised, disappointed...

…and possibly gang raped in prison.

-Coyote