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“Flight or Invisibility”

Supposedly this is the “age old question” that geeks everywhere have pondered ever since the stone age when young Brok Slagrok chiseled his way through the very first prehistoric Graphic Novel. The question itself is said to have no true answer and reveals not only your views of the world, but your very nature, depending on which you choose.

This is a crock.

There *IS* an answer to this choice of geeky preference, and if we’d stop to analyze it without the haze of romantic fantasy that surrounds it, it would be very easy to see.

Or…not see as it is.

Still, in hopes of helping the world understand the geek mind in all of its glory, we delve into the topic of countless arguments and Funyon fights to bring you from on high, the answer that we all know in our hearts to be honest and true. Which would you prefer, flight or invisibility?

Let’s look at the choices, shall we?

Flight

Pros: You can fly.

Seems pretty straight forward doesn’t it? And for the sake of appeasing my geeky brethren, we’ll call it “wingless” flight ala Superman. You can fly by means unknown to man without wings and reach impressive speeds that humans can’t usually travel without things like windshields because a junebug would be like a .45 caliber slug to the forehead.
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You never have to buy gas for your car, wait in line for an airline ticket, or sit next to a weird guy screaming at “invisible Jesus” on the bus again. You are your own mode of transportation and the only things you have to worry about are power lines and your teeth looking like the grill of an SUV that just went mudding in the swamps.

Cons: People will shoot your ass down.

You think I’m kidding? Or trying to be funny for the sake of humor? Think again. Society is full of whack jobs and shallow, petty people who will see you and your new found Peter Panness and become sick with envy. Why should you get to fly when they have to jam onto a crowded bus on a hot day next to a woman who doesn’t bathe and a guy who does bathe, but seemingly in his own urine who happens to be “cleaning” right now if you get my drift.

What gives you your power? Is it a ring? Is it something you ate? Can they dissect you and take the gift away from you? If they wear your skin like a human leotard will THEY be able to fly?

Now mix that with the fact that since you can fly – most people will assume that you have other powers that protect you from things like the elements, nature, and shotgun blasts to the face. Everyone and their brother would be taking shots at you, and since your power in no way gives you immunity from “lots-of-bullets-itis” you’d be dropped from the sky and mounted on some Redneck’s wall in a matter of days.

Don’t you think that people shoot at Superman on a regular basis? That he has to dodge incoming artillery fire and has learned to shrug off the occasional bullet related rip and tear in his costume? The answer is no. No he doesn’t because he is Superman and you don’t take shots at a guy who can melt your head from space.

Flight with invulnerability and super strength makes you a god.

Flight by itself...makes you a target. Especially if you wear a cape and tights.

Invisibility

Pros: You are invisible and no one can see you.

Which means getting into things for free is now a breeze. Theaters, exclusive clubs, and woman’s locker rooms are no longer off limits and people cannot stop what they cannot see. And again: For the sake of stopping all geeky sidebars, we’ll say that this is “true” invisibility that cloaks you and your belongings in a shroud of nothingness.

Not that weird “invisible man” side effect where you can see what you ate for breakfast and Chevy Chase’s teeth.

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At will, you and your clothes and whatever you are holding becomes invisible. You are now the perfect spy, the perfect thief, and above all else…

You never have to pay for a peepshow in a weird bleach smelling booth again.

Cons: Like flight, people will become jealous (if they find out) and want to capture and dissect you for study. Also, pop culture and countless stories warn us of a “God Complex” that slowly takes over when you realize that you can go anywhere and take just about anything that you want.

So…ya know. Watch for that.

But no one just randomly starts shooting because the Invisible Man is there. No one even KNOWS unless you have squeaky shoes or a hacking cough, which – lets be honest; if you do you should probably have taken care of those things before planning some great invisible caper.

Things like thermal imaging, displaced water and smoke and silly string will still show exactly where you are and probably make it easy for people to capture and study you – but if you are so big a moron as to tell another living soul that you are the invisible man, or so greedy as to get caught…

Then you didn’t deserve the power anyway and probably should have chosen “flight”. At least it would have been funny to see the YouTube video of your ass getting shot down over Wyoming.

The “age old” argument of flight verses invisibility isn’t age old or even an argument. As cool as flight would be, people suck. They are jealous and petty and just sick enough to think that shooting you down would be hilarious, especially if you got tangled in a bunch of power lines first. Society wants to be open minded, accepting, and understanding, but the truth is that we aren’t.

We’d want the power, we’d know in our hearts that you don’t deserve it, and from that point on every flight you took would involve evasive maneuvers and thwarting guys who want to wear your spleen as a magical flying charm.

Flight would be perfect in a perfect world, but invisibility is the only choice for THIS one. It would allow you unimaginable freedom, the ability to take whatever you wanted WHEN you wanted it, and most importantly of all…

THE WOMAN’S LOCKER ROOM.

‘Cause c’mon guys…

Who hasn’t had THAT fantasy.

-Coyote

(And yes ladies, I realize that you can get into the locker room already which is why you should choose flight. Not because invisibility would be wasted on you, but because I’d personally play Duck Hunt whenever you were out and about, laughing dog and all.)