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“Do geeks really live in basements, and why?”

Stereotypes are a funny thing. On one hand they unfairly categorized the whole by spotlighting a few and open up a world of misconception, on the other...

…they usually contain a grain of truth.

Thus the notion that all geeks are basement dwellers who set up subterranean lairs in which few would dare venture, unless they had to, you know…do laundry or get something out of the “good” freezer.

This of course isn’t usually true as your vast majority of geeks live well above ground. At some time in their lives they have crawled out of their foot-and-Cheeto smelling holes, seen their own shadow, and ventured off to start families of their own after six more weeks of gaming.

Sort of like a larger, pastier, Sci-Fi watching “Paunch-utawny Phil”.

But for those of us left behind who still lurk within the darkness just beyond the bottom of the stairs where the Wild Things are…

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…the basement is a very real, and a very sacred place.

So rather than dispel unfair stereotypes, or get into WHY this is a common belief, we’ll instead take the higher road of learning and education in order to further it for our own amusement, much to the chagrin of those unlucky enough to have lived, or who currently live there.

Because this column is dedicated to learning, if nothing else.

The Basement

Like the Satan of old, the basement goes by many names, and is known throughout the world by different titles. The Man Cave, The Lair, The Command Center, The Dungeon, The Pit of Despair, and The Place Where Your Mom Stores Empty Soda Bottles are the most common examples of this, but the names can vary drastically depending on both location and type of geek living with in.

So for the sake of both brevity and clarity, we’ll stick with “The Lair”, as it is the most commonly used, and for our purposes, the most appropriate.

The Lair

See? You feel at home already don’t you?

Make yourself comfortable on the old, badly stained love seat that our neighbors were going to just throw away, and we’ll answer the original question as to “why” the basement is so popular. Starting with:

Sunlight:

Geeks generally hate sunlight, and while yes – there are the Day Walkers among us, they are rare as the sun is known to not only scorch and consume our flesh, but bring into glowing, painful light, EXACTLY how pale, ashy, dull, or grey we truly are. There is nothing quite like your own “loser spotlight” hanging in the sky to make you feel good about yourself when you glow like a Chernobyl kitten. Bear.

The Lair protects from the harmful light of the sun, and aside from a few ground level windows that are quickly blotted out with Hefty Bags and duct tape, living underground offers us sanctuary from the dreaded Day Star. The Lair keeps us safe, cool, and in the event of a zombie outbreak: relatively well protected provided that you cover the main entrance and that your lair has one of those folding back doors that Dorothy’s family dove into during the Tornado that whisked her away to Oz.

Other People:

On a whole, other people suck.

This is not a stereotype as much as it is a firmly rooted and often proven fact. However, in the favor of the geek, other people are often both too lazy to walk down a flight of basement stairs, afraid of basements in general, or a welcoming mixture of both that keeps them away.

Basements are always dark, gloomy, spider filled, weird smelling places that contain things like “C.H.U.D.”. And while we are adults and know full well that C.H.U.D. are not real and do not exist, we are also burdened with the knowledge that they are VERY real and DO exist, and probably live in basement lairs.

Which is why we avoid them.

You Get To Say That You Have A Lair

Let’s face it: Living in your mother’s basement? Not exactly cool. Living in a LAIR?

As cool as it gets.

You just have to ensure that people refer to it AS a lair, lest they lose the fear associated with the word and take it upon themselves to venture down because they’ve lost the nervousness usually associated with basements.

Things like constantly referring to it as “The Lair”, removing light sources closest to the bottom of the steps, and hanging a gallery of newspaper clippings in which you’ve removed the eyes from every picture will do this nicely, and is akin to hanging an “unwelcome” mat at the mouth of your cave.

Very few things tighten the sphincter like grabbing for the string of a basement light only to have it illuminate a wall full of pictures in which the eyes have been carefully and meticulously removed.

Plus? You get to say:

“Do you have a LAIR? I have a LAIR!”

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So in answering of the title question:

Yes, some geeks DO live in basements, and it only takes a small number of these Middle Earth dwellers to give us all the reputation. The reasons as to WHY they live in the basement are too wide and vast to pinpoint, but are often centered around family and a sense of comfort.

You have to realize that even 50 years ago, it was not uncommon and often “the norm” for extended families to live together. Parents, grandparents, children, and grandchildren under one roof, out of not only necessity, but an instinctual sense of togetherness and pack strength. People tend to forget or look away from the fact that we are human, but in being human, we are still pack animals. Animals that hunt, gather, and live together in order to prosper and survive in a harsh and unforgiving world.

…as long as you consider microwaving a Hot Pocket “hunting” that is.

Okay, we’re not animals. We’re monsters. Monsters who live in basements. Now stay away.

Rawr!

-Coyote