Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

“How real are teleporters?”

More real than you might imagine.

Scientists who work in the field of teleportation, (Or as it is known by its technical name, Wonkavision) have recently completed a successful experiment in which a beam of light was teleported from one location to another through a series of complicated calculations.

They created a teleportation device, calibrated it and after years of exhaustive study and design…

…basically turned on a friggin’ flashlight.

[img_assist|nid=67860|title=|desc=|link=none|align=none|width=212|height=216]

OoOoOoOh, behold! The wild and mysterious magics of SCIENCE!

...

…

All of that time and money and you teleported a beam of frelling light?

First of all, where is the excitement in THAT? Whose idea was it to use LIGHT to test the world’s first teleporter? Who let THAT guy into the lab? They could have shot a cat through the cosmos, or hocked a chunky one through time and space just to gross out the other scientists a million miles away – but no…

…they chose LIGHT.

Not lasers or death rays, or even a blinding ray of pure UV – no, they probably used a light from an old EZ-Bake oven so that no one could possible get hurt, or attacked by a sixty foot tall mutated loogie.

I’m only going to say this ONCE kids: Nothing fun EVER happens when you let the RESPONSIBLE people in the lab. If you are going to teleport something, wait until the boss goes home and then stick a mouse in Johnson’s lab coat pocket and kick his ass into the chamber.

THAT is how great science is made.

SECOND of all, how is teleporting LIGHT proof of actual teleportation? Sure the scientists can scream “success” and dance around the lab in a frenzy, but can YOU tell the difference between two beams of similarly colored light?

No?

Well guess what? Neither can most people – including the bosses of said scientists. So if you just spent eleventy BILLION dollars on a teleporter, and your scientists said it works because they teleported a beam of f***ing light, could YOU disprove them?

I know a con when I hear it.

Still, teleportation does wibble around to both sides of the coin. With teleportation comes consequence: namely the good and the bad.

The Good: Instant Travel

You can now quickly and safely travel long distances in the blink of an eye. Lives are saved as people are rushed to hospitals across the world, food is zapped to starving children, and world peace and harmony embrace us all.

The Bad: Brundlefly

[img_assist|nid=67859|title=|desc=|link=none|align=none|width=269|height=229]

See? Anyone who has watched the Sci-fi channel even in PASSING knows the most likely outcome of teleporting is…

…the brundlefly.

Everything goes well on all the tests, life is good and you’re helping mankind, and then POW! You close the door with a fly on your arm and the next think you know you’re puking on donuts and impregnating a young Gina Davis. Which might SOUND fun at first, but flies have like 9,000 kids and sooner or later, SOMEONE is docking your pay.

When you teleport, you are not just instantly zapping someone from one place to another – in theory, you are destroying them on the molecular level, and then using pattern recognition and proper components, rebuilding that pattern with absolute flawless perfection on the other side, thus giving the person who “teleported” the sensation of travel.

But in reality, two things happened:

1) That person is dead and you are now looking at his doppelganger. So EVERYTIME you teleport, you die only to be reborn on the other side. Like Jesus…

…but with a more “burnt bacon” smell.

B) If the computer on the other side makes the tiniest mistake, has the slightest bit of lag, or is running ANY version of Windows, no matter how well patched or service-packed…

You’re ending up with your ass up front.

[img_assist|nid=67861|title=|desc=|link=none|align=none|width=252|height=277]

Think of the time, care, and precision that has to go into each and every calculation. Think of how well cared for and maintained that instrument has to be.

Now think of every dumbass you know. Who would YOU trust to maintain that equipment?

Teleporters may only be a few decades away, but we’ll never have the technology in place to ensure that the people who run them aren’t complete and total morons. We can’t even get the people running our NORMAL transportation systems to stop text messaging their girlfriends at 50mph…

…how are we going to stop them from slacking off when we have things like holodecks and virtual porn?

I can’t tell you how “real” a teleporter is, or how truly along in the research of the technology we’ve come. But I can tell you one thing with the highest amount of certainty: The first guy to be successfully teleported was pushed.

And the rest of us were watching and giggling.

-Coyote