Ten Ton Hammer - Taking MMO Gamers to the Next Level!

In order to answer this question, we have to go back to the very beginning. We have to look at the life and times of a great man who wandered the world with his friends preaching love and self-joy. His word, his deed, and his very presence changed the course of history and without him, the world would be a very different place. I of course am talking about none other than the son of God himself…
Scott Baio.

Scott Baio is known for many great things. He was Chachi on the hit Sitcom “Happy Days”, star of the television show Charles in Charge whose theme song still occasionally plays in our heads for no reason, and he once gave pink eye to some kid on South Park.

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Yet aside from being a Man Whore, and sticking his Chachi (Literally means “Having a bit of Chach” in the Old Latin) into every Joanie out there, Scott Baio gave me something that I will forever attribute to him, and his memory.

Herpes.

…

And of course, by “Herpes” I mean, “A very real and long time love for the study and theory behind “Telekinesis” inspired by the movie Zapped! and not that whole “My special spots look like they’re covered in corn flakes”.

But I’m guessing you knew that.

“Zapped!” was a movie that came out in 1982 when I was nothing more than a gentle lad of 8. It was the heart warming story of a science geek who gained powerful mental abilities in an accident during a high school chemistry experiment. This movie changed my life, gave me an early appreciation for the female form, and is the sole reason that I was injured in over 136 lab accidents in high school.

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And never once did I gain the ability to rip off clothing with my mind – and not for lack of trying. Still, telekinesis has always been a fantasy of mine, and against the odds and what some may call “sanity” I still regularly check myself for this ability on a daily basis.

So what IS Telekinesis?

Telekinesis is the ability to move or affect objects with nothing more than a thought. It is literally “mind over matter” and it breaks more laws of physics than I care to research because as we all know, physics is REALLY boring. It also falls under the umbrella of “psychokinesis”, which covers just about any type of kinesis you can think of:

Aerokinesis – The ability to affect air currents and the wind with nothing more than a thought, and possibly a large can of baked beans.

Pyrokinesis – The ability to cause fires with your mind.

Hydrokinesis – The ability to really piss off that pyrokinetic guy.

Fecalkinesis - Observed and recorded by Chinese Parapsychologist Hooflung Pooh.

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Hehe.

Sorry.

But is it REAL? Can man really move matter and affect objects with the power of his mind alone?

Well….we don’t know, and we probably never will for two reasons:

Reason One: It is said that people with this ability are seldom aware that they have it, as they have little control over it and it usually manifests in coincidental ways. This has been used to explain luck, chance, and the phenomenon of poltergeist, a word that I shouldn’t be able to spell – but for some reason totally can.

Reason Two: People are big fat f***ing fakers.

I mean seriously. If you had the mystical ability to use your mind to influence matter, affect objects and change the outcome of your life, would you use this ability for good? Would you become a mystic, help change the world? Or would every bra in the universe suddenly rip free in the most jiggle-tastic unexplained phenomenon ever known to man?

It is a no-brainer.

Man doesn’t do CRAP for “good”, and if you suddenly got the ability to do what you want, when you want, without fear of retribution because you had the power to crush heads from 50 feet away, you’d be a rich tyrant living somewhere like a modern day GOD.

Not bending frigging spoons in Vegas.

Yeah. That’s right Uri, I’m looking at YOU.

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So can man really move things with his mind? Is Telekinesis as asked, truly real?

We still don’t know.

The mind is amazing thing, and what we know of its more unusual abilities is truly astounding. It can make us, hear, feel or even SEE things that are not really there. It can allow us amazing feats of strength, give us the ability to do impossibly complex calculations, and it holds more secrets and mysteries than we can even conceive as possible.

Yet no one out there is ripping off bras or crushing skulls, so as much as I’d love to believe it, I’m still skeptical.

And for that, I blame Scott Baio.

Well..that and the herpes.

-Coyote